Have you ever experienced feeling like everyone in your world only tolerated you?
You have friends and people that you trust… but there’s these moments you have with people that build up towards tis feeling like you are not truly loved or accepted by these people.
It is incredibly heartbreaking and lonely.
It only makes you more sad. But you can’t help but wonder if it’s really true. Every social encounter you have over the course of a day seems to go badly wrong for some odd reason and you can’t explain why other than a form of self loathing.
On top of all of this, trying to deal with a breakup with the person you were convinced that you were going to marry? Totally debilitating and soul crushing.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have started seeing a counsellor but I wonder if it’s too late.
I just feel so hopeless and worthless.
I miss my ex partner. I miss the joy we had together.
Now I just feel empty… like I’m back in high school dealing with this overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
Yes, I know the feeling well. I still struggle with it sometimes. Part of me is convinced that my friendships have been closer ever since I met my wife and she started hanging out with my friends too, as if she’s my ambassador to my friends. I’m more or less okay with that because it means I don’t have to put as much effort into trying to be fun or charming, but an outsider would probably say it’s not healthy.
Awkward social encounters are rarely as bad as we think they are. We may get really embarrassed because we’re self-conscious; but unless it ends in some kind of argument or getting thrown out of a bar or something, our friends go on with their days, even if maybe they pause for a minute and think it’s a little weird. They have more important shit to worry about than judging you being a little awkward.
As for the breakup, I’m sorry to hear that. Nothing I say will make you feel better right now, but I’ve been there before. It still haunts me on occasion, even though I am much better off now. Anyhow, I understand what you’re feeling, and with time it will get better. For now you need to grieve your loss, because it was a loss; and even if you run through the grieving process “correctly” it may still take upwards of a year.
It is not too late to start seeing a counselor. When we hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. We don’t understand our feelings or thoughts very well when we’re in crisis, and counselors are trained to help us organize them and process them. It will probably take awhile, but you took a huge first step just by going.
Hold fast. I understand the feelings of worthlessness from high school to your present day. The one thing that kept me going was thinking “there HAS to be more to life than this. Healthy people don’t live like this.” I never let go of that idea, and over a decade later it finally paid off. I will never forget what it felt like to be drowning in self-doubt, and I still have those days more often than I’d like, but life got better.
Loneliness and hopelessness are both very difficult emotions to have and process, but healing can be done over time. That may sound like a lie or like something that is possible for others but not you, but it is truly possible for everyone. But there’s a reason that thousands of poems and songs have been written about heartbreak for hundreds of years: it’s hard! But it’s also something that we humans can overcome.
Good for you for seeing a counselor! Healing from emotional pain can be compared to building a house. You may only have one tool (a hammer) which is really useful for some tasks (building the frame) but not helpful for others (pouring a concrete foundation). Counseling can often help us discover more tools to help us cope and heal.
I know that feeling. I have it almost every day. I lock myself in the bathroom, and sit in the bathtub and sob.
I know about feeling empty.
The emptiness always leaves when I talk to my sister about the past.
Not my feelings, just what happened. And I think a way to help the emptiness leave, is to pay attention to the dreams you have at night and the feelings in them.
You will feel the dream feelings.