I’m sorry everyone I failed hard this time. I haven’t tried to do what I tried tonight in a long time but my dad keeps being stubborn and I keep trying to be nice and I keep getting hurt and I wanted to not be hurt anymore. So I tried to end it. Again haha. 18th time. I’m just becoming more and more likely to die from this stuff each time. Statistically speaking. Haha. I’m sorry for trying. I try to fight the urge. I even let myself self harm to try not to do thinking that’s better than this but I didn’t feel better and the urge was stronger and I… I did it. I tried. I’m such a failure. I’m such a nothing of human being. I’m so selfish. Maybe I did deserve to try in the case that it worked… maybe I should again but with my luck it would fail. Like I am. It would be a failure like me like every thing I do. I’m such a failure and so selfish. My dad is right about me. My uncle is right about me. I’m a useless idiot who can’t do anything but ruin others days. I should just disappear forever. Just cut off connections. It would stop anyone from being hurt by me again and sure it would hurt me but what’s one to a crowd? Haha… I’m sorry for trying everyone I’m sorry. I should have vent sooner but… but I didn’t want to be the burden I know I am. Sorry
we love you, friend, so much.
Are you safe at the moment? Or do you need to work through your safety plan?
I don’t know. What do you think from what I wrote. It was literally what I was thinking.
Also that was genuine
can you call a crisis line to talk to someone?
I don’t want you to be alone, and I want you to be safe.
I could call when everyone is asleep because I can’t put this on anyone in my family because either they can’t handle or they cause it
i dunno what your dad and uncle told you, I only know what I know about you, and that is that you are wonderful, talented, amazing and a delightful person, and it always brings me joy to see a post from you, especially a happy one.
My uncle was the less mean one. He said I was unemployable and that I would never get a job. My dad on the other hand is literally mental abuse with a side of occasional physical. It’s horrible but I take it. So no one else here has to. Not that works very well but it does work a bit
that alone shows me that you do a lot for others by protecting them.
A human who is mentally and physically abusive to his kid… oh buddy, i know it’s hard to constantly battle against this type of thing. I know it’s hard to keep being strong.
But I mean this from the depths of my heart and my soul, a man who hots his kids does not deserve the respect and honour of shaping how YOu think of YOU.
You’re already a better and bigger person than him!
You know a funny response to being told you’re unemployable? Thank god for small businesses/work for yourself things ,huh?
I truly am sorry that they made you feel so bad about yourself.
But you matter, to me, to so many many of us here.
And we need you around. Who else will I talk about skirts and dresses? Who else will make and share amazing music creations with us?
You have a little slice of the universe that is yours, and you’re a wonderful force of good.
Please, listen to those of us who love you, who want you to thrive and grow and blossom, let those words be a part of how you see yourself.
The ones who are mean and hurtful? They literally can’t judge you or tell you how you are when they lack the ability to look at themselves and make good choices. It’s hard to be a good all the time, it’s NOT hard to be decent to your kids.
Please stay with us.
YOU MATTER @Paladine , SO MUCH
Thank you. Those words mean a lot. He’s shaped me and some how I didn’t become him. Honestly that’s my biggest fear that I’ll become him. That monster who for some reason I still care about and want him to care. I’m sorry I’m really a mess at the moment
that you still care and want him to care? that’s a measure of you as a person, and it shows that you’re amazing and have a lot of compassion in you. trust me on that, a whole lot of us would find it hard to do so!
I mean every single word i’ve typed here. The fact that you’re introspecting and not wanting to be like him is probably a good indicator that you won’t be, that you’ll remember important love and compassion and gentleness are.
I don’t want to make you more emotional, but i do want you to remember all the good things about yourself. I want you to see yourself through those lenses, and to see how much value and worth you have, how much love you have inside you.
I’m thankful you came here and shared with us. I hope you will make the call when you can. I gotta go to bed, long day of grueling work ahead tomorrow, so i got to go to bed soon.
Will be thinking of you and sendin you lots of healing vibes.
Thank you and you didn’t make me more emotional you helped me A lot. Have a good sleep. I promise I’ll be here in the morning
that just made me so happy!
I genuinely care about you, friend. And I really like how much you care about folks here.
I’ll check in tomorrow as soon as I wake up and I’m coherent enough to type!
Thank you and have a good sleep
keep venting here if it’ll help distract you, or get the thoughts out.
see ya soon!
That’s a good idea. I’ll be doing that right now so don’t worry when you see this as it’s just venting what I’ve kept in for too long.
My dad almost gaslights me but he doesn’t as it ends up being me who does it to myself. As I end up doubting everything thing that I think about him when he acts nice for a day. It’s so confusing. I just wish I didn’t even have to deal with that. Everything that he does just puts me on edge. He seems like he can blow up one second and be nice and gentle the next and it makes it all the harder and makes it so much more confusing. He just puts me down in so many little ways that I feel like over haft of them are me over reacting. Like it seems when he looks at me he’s annoyed with me but it can’t be that every time so it has to be me making it up. Or he really holds that much anger in him I don’t know anymore which it is. He also just makes me self conscious about everything I do and made my justification problem. I have to justify myself for just existing to be acceptable. That’s no where near okay I think. It’s hard to know what is and isn’t a thing when your home life is a mess. The biggest thing he does to me outside of the literal abuse is that I don’t thing he likes me being pan and trans and that makes me feel self conscious just being myself and like I’m the one doing things wrong when he’s just being an arrogant person. It’s so hard him being like this. I’m so scared of what he’ll do if he ever finds out that I even think like this about him. He’ll probably… probably beat me to a pulp haha… that’s probably why I haven’t been able to tell my therapist about this stuff. I’m so scared of what will happen. I wish I could stop caring about him and weather or not he cares about me. I wish I didn’t care but I do and I can’t stop caring so I just keep going and going and going without stop and keep acting like everything is fine until I implode. Like tonight. Haha sorry for the very long phargtaph
You matter to me Paladin. You do matter. I am sorry you are struggling so much. Please know that we are here ok. You are not pathetic or weak. You are just dealing with a lot right now. Here let me give you a hug 
you need it. I would hate to lose you friend.
I’m sorry that I did try. I don’t want to hurt anyone which is why me trying is so selfish and I’ll take that hug haha. I wish I could have one in real life
You don’t have to feel like you’re selfish or feel guilty for having feelings. I know what’s it like when they get too much and it feels like they can’t be controlled.
Seeing the way you support others and being such a kind soul, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re a giving person to people who need some love, and you deserve the same in return.
Thank you for being here and being with us. Thank you for talking about this instead of holding it in.
You don’t deserve the pain your father causes you. Not even to protect others. You doing that for your family is the least selfish act anyone could do.
I know what it’s like to care about someone who hurts you. I think it’s okay to care about them, but your value lies elsewhere, beyond the hurt and the pain. You are not your father and nobody has the right to make you feel unloved and uncared for.
I’m so so so proud of you for being here.
You’re so important.
You are not selfish 
. Everybody needs a something. I am glad I could give it to you.