I have always been aware that our existence is absurd and meaningless but I didn’t have a depressed attitude about this. But lately I’ve been feeling hopeless. I replay in my head the events of my life from childhood to now as a string of moments like some sort of a montage with a background music and I am depressed by the mysterious passage of time and how absurd it all is and how it’s all going to end.
I see the childhood me who was smiling and happy and loved and I see the now me who is crying and I don’t know how I got from there to here. It’s like a disconnected series of moments, one moment I was there and now I’m here. I’m saddened by the fact that this is it, each moment only happens once and it’s gone and that childhood cannot come back and everyone I know and love will be also gone as will I. I wish there was a way to relive, to play it back.
I am saddened by how much effort my parents put into my upbringing, how they dedicated their lives to raising me in a way that I would be happy. They did everything to make sure that I would be that smiling kid yet somehow that kid is gone.
There is a feeling of extreme loneliness that further saddens me. I’ve always felt like a bit of an alien and I find it hard to convey these feelings to anyone as there’s no clear and obvious reason why I’m sad except it’s just life itself that’s saddening. And even if I could I don’t really have anyone to talk to. It seems that this planet is full of people but everyone is going about their day and I am all alone.
I sit at my computer and try to find one of my methods of coping, to play a video game or watch something funny but I cannot help but be overwhelmed by how absurd this life is and how sad it is that we exist and then we die and nothing ever makes sense. To borrow a cliche, I don’t want to die but I sometimes wish I’d never been born. I wish there was a way for the happy childhood to go on forever.
It sounds like you’re grieving the loss of innocence. Your inner child is sad because it’s become extremely difficult to express child-like wonder and joy. You probably didn’t fully grasp the suffering in the world when you were a child.
There is absurdity to life, and in the end, we face our mortality. We do have a measure of control when it comes to how we deal with things before we face it.
Because you’re here, you are not alone. There are countless people here who understand the kind of feelings you’re dealing with. Life is both absurd and often beautiful. I’ve decided that mortality actually adds value to the time we spend here.
Each moment happens only once. It’s the only time in which we can make choices. Each moment happens only once, so make it count for something. Offer to others what you wish to receive, in this case, relief from loneliness.
Every now and then, you can let your inner child play a bit. That in turn, makes it easier for others to let their inner child out for a while. Have some absurd fun in this absurd life.
Hang around here, and you’ll feel connection with those who understand and care.
Hi Friend, Welcome to the forum! Thank you posting and trusting us with your story. If you think you have depression and you don’t have anyone to talk to, perhaps looking into therapy would be something you could think about. Sometimes, depression isn’t just because of your life, it can just be a chemical imbalance in your brain. This can usually be managed with meds and therapy. I hope you will give it a chance; it would be a good start in figuring this out. You matter! ~Mystrose
I am proud of you for coming here to post & get support through this moment in your life. We all feel this way throughout our lifetime. Life has its highs & lows. Life has its beautiful moments, as well as its moments where it isn’t quite that beautiful. We need to create moments of sunshine & happiness. It can be finding something that brings you joy. It might be smiling at the person that you walk past in the grocery store because they might need something like that without you ever knowing they need it. It might be finding an organization to join & work with to help find some purpose.
I agree with Wings…let your inner child have some fun every now & then. Run through the sprinklers. Sing a goofy song. Do something for you & not anyone else.
You are valid. You are strong. You are enough. You are important. You matter.
i am so thankful you joined the heartsupport forum and feel comfortable here to share how you’re holding up. thank you for being here - i hope you feel the love and support of your HS community in these replies.
i’m going to be real with you in this reply because of how raw and valid you get with your existential reflections. as someone who faced near death due to my shoddy immune system, i’ve thought similar things. i understand you, i hear you, and i wish there were clear answers to it all on why this mysterious passage of time carries us as it does. but what i can say is that even if time excels us forward at alarming speeds, my main wish for you is that in the far future, you can look back on your completed life and say, “i lived it to my best ability” and not “i wish my regrets didn’t hold me back.” i spent too many hours, too many days spent shut off in my room grieving my lost childhood, lost opportunities, and lost time spent in hospital rooms. but someone i looked up to reminded me that the only thing we can control is the here and now so i had to make up for the past in the present. cherish the memories you make and the time spent with the ones you love. i hope this mindset can help you reclaim the peace your childhood self felt.
you are far from alone though and you have a whole community here at heartsupport who are here to support, love, and encourage you. thank you again for being here and i hope you find the clarity you need, my friend. you got this!
Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, you were doing some major thinking when you wrote this, life is indeed absurd but as far a meaningless I guess like the saying goes “life is what you make it” that doesnt mean I guess that we all need to rush out and do great things everyday to make life worth living but I wonder if it is a problem perhaps to get too wrapped up in what may have been? I read your post and agree that you do sound sad and that can bring on thoughts of how things could have been different so then my thoughts turn to how to make that better and turn that into a postive. It happened, you cant change that so now what?? deal with the deck of cards that you have been dealt. Make something beautiful with the ingredients that you have instead of wondering what you could have made if you had bought different ingredients. What I mean is Try to enjoy now, if you think you cant, go and speak to your doctor and see if they can help you at all, mabye chat to a therapist and find out why these thoughts are overwhelming you. I wish you luck. Lisa x
Though I agree that this world can be a bit absurd at times, I wouldn’t say any aspect of existence is meaningless. We can define what we want from/out of life, and put meaning into our actions. You say that you are feeling hopeless. That tells me you are hoping for something, and finding yourself at a loss on how to make progress at it. It seems that you’re looking/hoping to find happiness that you used to feel when you were younger. I can relate… when I was college age, I found myself feeling quite similar. It seems like when I was younger, it didn’t take effort to be happy, or at least content. As time went on and I ventured out, contentment seemed to get further way, and doing what used to cheer me up just wasn’t doing it anymore. A dull numbness become the normal. I know the feeling.
From what you describe, it could very much be absolutely nothing you’ve done, or not done, which is leaving you feeling hopeless and lonely. Have you looked into talking to a doctor about chemistry imbalances? It very well could be that your body isn’t doing what it needs to. Just a thought. Seeking a counselor may also help in talking through some of this… maybe spark a conversation that leads to something. In any case, I do hope things improve for you. It wasn’t easy for me, but that emptiness can be filled, and happiness found again. It may just take some work and time. You got this, friend.
