TW: suicide ideation
As an older guy with many psych classes and life lessons under my belt I believed that I knew myself. Nerd, check. I’m an introvert geek who loves heavy metal, cartoons and art. I have an odd sense of humor and I believe in being honest. But these are just superficial concepts and this experience demonstrated to me how little I truly knew about who I am. There is so much to my mental health journey that precedes the events provided here, things that span nearly a decade. Perhaps I can discuss those events in more detail in another chapter but know that it was during that time things got so bad I had to be hospitalized for a major depressive episode that left me wanting and planning an end to it all. My work identity played a major factor bridging both that previous crisis and the challenges in this period. I know now that work cannot be an identity. I absolutely believe separating self-worth from work is essential to happiness. I also believe, however, that work or more accurately the purpose that I associated with work is a difficult thing to not have in one’s life. I had poured so much of myself into making my graphic design business do well that as it fell apart it took me with it. I had invested more than twenty years into defining myself as a designer. I had regrettably sacrificed time with my wife and children to boost the business. There is so much more to tell about those days. The days after my hospitalization was truly the start of my mental health rebirth. I went through a lot to build myself back from that dark brink. I was in counseling, on medication, and looking for strength in spirituality. But, I still needed to have an income to support my family and my family. My wife had equally gone through her own struggles with employment during this time. We were in bad financial shape.
As my spirituality grew I felt a pull that this was a message directing me towards another path. It was time to choose another career. And so I searched and searched and searched. I prayed. I listened. I prayed more. I explored options near to my obvious skill set. Things design related, like UI/UX. Door after door closed in front of me. I tried skill-adjacent fields. I’m good with technology so I started classes in cybersecurity and while I did well I couldn’t afford it. More door closed. Months passed, stress increased but then an unlikely possibility appeared. Software engineering. The opportunity would be demanding and had its own risks. It was something I never considered before but it was as if it landed in my lap. I was scared. I am in my 50s and attempting to go into a completely alien field. And one that admittedly draws a much younger demographic.On top of that I had been experiencing memory issues for months prior to this. Memory tests were coming back fine but still I wondered… Could I even do it? Was I too old? What should I do? What is the right decision? What if I fail? How would this affect my family? And I prayed again. I was trying to lean more on faith which I’ll admit is hard for me. Faith in myself. Faith that things will work out.
I closed my eyes, swallowed deep, breathed even deeper and stepped into that unknowable circumstance. I’d love to say the process was a breeze but it wasn’t. It was hard. Very. Hard. About 3 months into this 9 month program I was exhausted and that ugly, harsh inner critic bellowed at me. I had messed up! What were you thinking?! I AM too old. Everyone else is so much better at this than I am. I felt lost and ashamed. My family tried to offer emotional support but I could feel myself slipping into a familiar cycle of depressive rumination. I didn’t think I could handle more and then my pet died. He was my buddy, my support companion and in what was a relatively quick span of time he got very sick and passed away. I wept. No. I wailed. I felt alone.
But in truth I wasn’t alone. The inner voice that had lied to me so often before, especially during my darkest days, trying to lower my self worth, to punish me, was lying again. I prayed more and asked, if THIS is truly my new path, help me see a little hope. And then…a little hope was there. Nothing earth-shattering but a little whisper of hope. Sometimes it came as a random quote that stuck with me each day. Reaching into the dark pit and giving me just a little strength to get out of bed each day and try again. “Do what I can, with what I know, where I am now.” Don’t try to take on the big picture. Don’t think about next week or even tomorrow. Don’t think about what others might be doing, it’s irrelevant. Just think about today, right now. Like baby steps I moved forward. Sometimes the hope was just hearing others in my cohort echoing my fears and knowing I wasn’t alone in my worries. After each big project I completed I would sit back and laugh with bemusement. Each technical assessment that I took to test my understanding I was passing. I was a nervous wreck but I was passing! It seemed absurd in some way but I was getting through this. And then, one day, 9 months after I had launched into this foreign field, I graduated. I had taken a huge leap in believing in myself and now I WAS a software engineer. I had crashed and crashed hard during this challenge but I hadn’t given up on myself, not completely. If I had to cry, then I cried but I would then try again. If I had to crawl then I would crawl to the computer to do my assignments. Crying, crawling. These were totally okay. Giving up was not.
I learned a lot about myself in this endeavor, about my abilities, about my intelligence, about not being too old and about WHO I am. And I think that is the biggest message this chapter demonstrated to me. I was not a graphic designer or a software engineer or whatever role I saw assigned to me. Those are just tools, skill sets but they’re not who I am. Who I am is that person that took an enormous risk, and found a way through it. Who I am is a person that even when feeling beaten and lost did not give up. I found faith in myself. What would I tell my earlier self or others? Take chances on yourself even if they seem scary and formidable even if you don’t know how to get through it. You don’t need to have all the answers or know exactly how it will work out. If it gets overwhelming and it definitely might, consider the mantra I used…do what you can, with what you know, where you are right now. When you get through it, and I believe you will, take time to celebrate the growth you’ve had.
