Sorry, it will be very long, Writing is…something that I enjoy but, also, I detail too much.
There will be some…symbolism too like a mask means hiding emotions and etc.
I’ll be saying a lot:“person” and “them” to keep their privacy.
It’s been longtime…Since, we stopped talking.
It was a friend where I used to hangout and talk in my last year of school.
It was not really a close friends like best friend but, I seen that person a friend only.
It was also the only year that I have friends too because…I’m not really the type to social and has difficulty to make friends now.
During school, we hangout and talked too.
I didn’t know this person very well but…All I knew that person trusted me enough to talk out about what’s wrong and other stuff.
I was aware that this person was dealing depression, loneliness and has issues in life.
So…I’ll tried my best to help them because, I have being a dark place where I felt very alone in the past and faced some inner-demons (Depressed & Loneliness)
To be honest, I do not know if it helped or bring them out of the darkness that I used to feel in the past.
Since, I couldn’t tell from looking at them, almost…a mask covering it for me able to read.
This is where, I see myself as a bad person…
I’m the type of person who prefer talking a person in RL than, Social Media.
What happens is that I stop talking to this person from time to time from either spending some time alone( as being an introvert/stubborn side of me) or I didn’t message back, as soon as, I get the message.
We used to talk Instagram/Discord like invite each other in a specific video game or talking together.
Now, it stopped…Since, the person removed me from Instagram/Discord.
I’m unsure the reason behind it…but, I have feeling it is because, we didn’t talked 3 months or for a longtime and…more reason behind it.
A part of me felt guilty about it because…I should be there when they need the most if they trust me enough to talk it out.
From time to time, I check on them in Instagram(as anonymous) because, i’m aware they post sometimes stories…
I don’t know why…It may be because, I felt guilty about it still or I don’t let leave them alone in that mindset that I once felt.
Ever since, I stopped talking to them, it has gone bad where…Their stories were asking for help or what they want to have it was to have friends to talk to without feeling the loneliness again and stopping this endless nightmare cycle.
Looking back these text messages what they said that echos in my mind and consuming me more in guilt:
“Kinda knew we’d stop talking”
“Well you never talk to me”
“Well it’s not to difficult. you can just say hi from time to time”
“It’s not much but to me it would mean a lot just to hear from you”
“We like never talk or hangout anymore…What happened?”
“But we friend right?”
“I blame you” (Something about happens in a video games, a wrong move from me in game but, it still hits me because, my insecurities. )
There was one that hit the most where…I couldn’t find it back.
It was where they said that they depends on me.
Looking back to all these, I feel overwhelming and feeling back the guilt again.
I could of done better where I could of continue to listen to them but…I was slowly feeling something negative feeling from being empathy (feeling someone else’s emotion that are not mine) or it can the words have being said in texts and how they talked to me…
In the beginning of our friendship, I felt…a warning where I felt the friendship was very rushed.
There was a lot warning later on that are telling me:
“Be cautious” and a feeling something was bothering me.
There was not much boundaries sets, there was a mix of uncomfortable stuff that they shared or they were saying were negative more than, positive but, I understand it but, others…I felt very uncomfortable.
I won’t details it because, I don’t want scared anyone like I am feeling currently or judgement towards them.
I’m not sure at all, it was the right decision that I stopped talking with them.
That’s why, this guilt is around me.
I felt that I am a bad person, unable to help but, I’ll not to let that guilt consume like my own inner demons.
I’m aware that sometimes that you can’t help anyone or pleased them even.
I have talked about it with my mother and my boyfriend
My mother have listened and told me that:
“Sometimes…There’s things that you can’t do to help.”
A part of me that is too kind or care too much with people, i’m aware that sometimes you can’t but, still…
I give too much to others.
My boyfriend told me his point of view that…
“The person seek help of others but, has a hard time to help themselves”
“They need to accept themselves to get help.”
There was more but, I don’t recall all of it…
To this day,
I tend be cautious on who I am friends with or called “friend”.
Even with someone that I don’t know very close as “acquaintance” asking to hangout.
I’m not ready to go back having new friends or going back friends with them.
I’m scared that I’ll feel the negative energy or facing the same situation again.
I’m aware that…I may seen them again in an event convention in the next month but, I do not know how to react if I see them again like…I motioned, I’m not ready to go back into the friendship.
I don’t want to ignore them either over this. It is just wrong and bad to do that.
I will need a long moment to calm down after this.
It was too much overwhelming and guilt looking back the text conversation.
Thank you for reading.
I’m very sorry again that it is long.
-LostWings