The past few months have been just one thing after another after another. My Sister moved away without telling me and the hurt I felt resulted in an intense falling out. She was my main emotional support and the void left behind is felt almost every second of every day. When I left my emotionally abusive ex seven years ago he told me that if I left I’d be single forever because no one else would tolerate my crap. I’ve been single ever since and I’m really afraid he was right. I lash out so horribly when I’m hurt it’s like I’m a different person. To top this off… my first love resurfaced recently and apologized for everything he ever did to hurt me. But also added in a big dose of digging up old feelings and giving conflicting answers about our past. He’s come in and out of my life so many times and it hurts like hell every single time. I often wonder if he is a sociopath and this is some kind of game to him. He makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough. I eventually told him that I appreciate his apology but this friendship is toxic. But it killed me. I’ve been abandoned so many times. I’ve pushed people away so many times that burning a bridge was agony and I’ve questioned it ever since. I have so many friends on twitch but I have very few people IRL and not many of them are local to where I’m currently living. I’m getting older and I’d really like to experience some kind of relationship that isn’t complete torture before I leave this world. The holidays highlight this loneliness so much. Most times I’m fine with being single because it means I’m free, but the holidays tend to make me feel like I’ve failed to build a family for myself.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to talk to people and that the isolation will never end.
Yeah life sucks at times. Especially the people that you trusted end up treating you horribly. I prefer to be alone and don’t try to hook up with anyone mainly because I’m so damaged that I can’t trust anybody. (Not even my own parents) You need trust for any kind of relationship. So I have barely any friends let alone a lover. The friends that I do have are more like acquaintances. We never hangout.
Like you most of the people I connect with are online. Yet I barely ever stick around. I just brood trying to fix myself or use distraction to avoid my issues. I research and add coping mechanisms to my big bag I have already. I fine some leviation when I interact with others or listen to music or watch one of my favorite shows/movies.
One way to battle the loneliness is to go to an event.
I am not a Christian. My family are. So I go to their church every Saturday, I like reading books so I go to the library every once in a while & I participate in group therapy. This is how I battle it. Another way I’m planning is to adopt a dog from the shelter next year or the year after & train it to be my therapy pet. Also, joining a group or club that shares your interests helps. I use to be an avid member of several bookclubs. (I’m a bookworm) I don’t have much time anymore since I’ve decided to work on some of my life goals.
I hope you find a way to leviate the loneliness. I understand though it be better to have someone you could kiss & cuddle with.
So.much of what you said resonates with me. Im very much the same with a lot of those things.
I even have trouble talking to the few people I do care about. Because I’m afraid if they get to close or dig too deep the damage will scare them off.
But then the distance comes anyway because one can only try for so long. Honestly I don’t even think I’m emotionally ready for a relationship. My recent experience with the ex showed me that. Once I get settled into my new place next week I want to start looking into social options nearby. Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it.