I feel like it’s really important for me to think about good things that are happening in my life right now, and it’s really difficult to do that.
One positive thing is I finally found a primary care doctor and had my first appointment today.
I’m normally super anxious for new doctors and visiting those types of facilities in general, but this place was actually not too bad. They used blue and grey colors and I think that really helped make it feel calmer in there. The ladies out front were really kind to me and talked to me for a little bit, which was nice.
The doctor I had was actually really kind and seemed very knowledgeable. He really took the time to listen to my health concerns, and made sure he didn’t miss any details which made me feel a lot better. My main reason for going there is because I’ve been having troubles with my digestive system for the last 3-4 years, and I’m well overdue to see a GI / Digestive Health doctor.
When I described my troubles to him, he immediately recommended me to their GI doctor. I already feel relieved just knowing that I’m finally going to figure out what is up with my stomach. I can’t wait to find out what is causing the problems, and hopefully there will be a relatively simple solution.
I’m just so tired of being afraid to eat for fear of what it will do to my body.
On the mental health side of things, I could be better, but I’ve also been worse. I feel like some of my emotions have just been pent up lately, and I’m not sure how to get them out.
It doesn’t help that my boyfriend is currently struggling with his mental health too… He’s discovering that he might have bipolar disorder, and is having a really hard time processing all the emotions he’s been experiencing. He used to turn to substances to help with the bad times, but he’s recently quit alcohol and smoking, and it’s just really hard to see him struggling like this. We’ve been together a little less than a year, and known each other for about 2 1/2 years.
He’s seeing a therapist and doing what he can to get help, but for a while he was really leaning on me for emotional support, and he really hurt my feelings a couple times. He’s not the type of person to try and hurt others, and it’s not a normal behavior for him, and he’s apologized so much, and I know he doesn’t realize that he’s being manic or mean to me in the moment. I can literally see in his eyes that he’s not himself anymore.
He has been really sensitive to others’ emotions lately, especially mine. He’s normally so supportive and has a lot of philosophies about life and things in general, and lately he’s just someone else completely - he talks like things are black and white, and has a hard time talking about any struggles that I’m having as well as what he’s going through. I will literally watch him go from manic to depressed in a 10 minute window, and it’s so hard to predict what will trigger either.
I know that he’s doing his best to heal and get better, but I’m absolutely terrified that he will become a different person permanently/altogether, and I’m afraid he won’t want to be around me anymore or maybe he’ll feel like my mental health issues are too much of a burden.
Maybe my fears are slightly irrational, but I’m thinking that they’re coming from my past relationships, where I get to ‘know someone’ and then they suddenly change all their behaviors. I don’t think that’s what is happening here, and I really do think he’s doing everything he can to get help. I think I’m just having trouble in the interim, because I don’t have many friends that I can talk to about my life struggles… I don’t have many friends in general to be honest. And I’m sitting in line for therapy until the end of August, which leaves me with 2.5 months of… I dunno.
Anyway, I already have to shove my emotions aside for work all day, and then I’ve had to shove them aside even more on the weekends and that’s the only time I see my boyfriend, because we live about an hour apart from each other, but also the only time I have off from work and other socially and mentally exhausting tasks. It’s just getting hard to stay positive, and I’m normally a very sensitive person and it’s exhausting to try and not be. Really exhausting.
I just want us both to get better and I don’t want to lose him. It’s obviously great if he changes and it’s for the better, and I hope that does happen, because he deserves to be content. I just fear that I’ll be pushed away in the process, and I’m trying to do everything I can to help, but I feel like I keep pushing buttons without knowing.
I think I’m gonna try to talk to him about my fears and maybe just ask him to help me understand more what he is going through. I wish things were better, and I wish I could help him feel better.
It feels good to get this stuff off my chest.
Literally every day feels like an eternity lately.
I keep having really weird dreams/nightmares, and really intrusive thoughts. I even had a flashback of some really nasty memories today, which is something I worked on moving past for years.
I can’t get a good night of sleep to save my life. I just am in this in-between the whole time. Half awake half asleep.
How do I even help myself right now.
I feel lost.
I feel really fucking lonely.