It’s been a rough few days for me. I was getting through it up until yesterday. All day I felt angry and depressed, just hoping something would shake me out of it. I tried doing positive things like cleaning, writing, watching a show that always makes me laugh…then I overextended myself and ended up with a pinched nerve and can’t move. Feeling like one too many punches to the gut with disappointments and frustrations. I’ve got so much I need to be doing and the stress was already eating at me. I fell back into eating my emotions to cope over the weekend and had an instant gain in weight. I’m ashamed so I won’t say a number, but I’m already in the morbidly obese category and I’m a little deeper into it again. I’ve been disgusted with myself since the binge and tried to make changes. But then now in this boat of a pinched nerve, my mind immediately went to thinking I don’t deserve to be here. Lies. I know their lies. They just keep getting louder because I’m already down. I keep messing up in one area or another and I’m just so upset with myself that I’m in this place again. It feels like nothing will get better. I know they can and they have, but it just feels so isolating. I don’t want to tell the people closest to me how I’m doing because I know they have things going on. On top of that, I keep thinking I shouldn’t go anywhere until I can lose some of this weight and be a little more mobile. At this point, even if I wanted to, I can’t because of the pain from the stupid pinched nerve. To top it all off, a concert I’ve been looking forward to going to all year is this Saturday and I’m just really hoping I can get my mind and body okay enough to go. I don’t want to let anyone else down with my bad decisions and consequences. I really just don’t want to lies to get any louder and feel any worse. I know the right things to do, it just feels overwhelming right now and I needed to let out how I was feeling. So thank you, if you’re reading this. Any encouragement is very much welcome. I could use some truth right about now.
Thank you for sharing. We never talked to each other directly but I really appreciate your replies and the support you bring here. You are a kind and generous person, I hope you know that.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with binges. I struggled with eating disorders during a long time and I’ve been so down because of it. Even still ashamed of it somehow. It’s been much better but I still have some fragilities, depending on the seasons of life and my ability to cope. But it is mostly due to the way I still perceive and treat my body/weight, which triggers everything else. Well… I’m not sharing this to diminish what you’re going through at all. I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I feel your struggles. I understand that feeling of being isolated. And I really wanted to say there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You will always be loved just as you are, and never because of a number.
I don’t know where you are in your own path, if you receive profesional help to work on this or not. I guess I just wanna share this: for some of us, working on what trigger the urge to binge helps, but for others it makes things even more complicated. I know that, for me, it was really helpful at first, but thinking about what emotions pushed me to binge wasn’t helpful over time. I could have binge urges whether I was happy or sad, busy or bored, satisfied or frustrated… And I realized these urges became more of a kind of habit I had to deconstruct over time. I don’t know if you know it/if it could be helpful, but there are some interesting enlightments and tools in the following workbook: “The Brain over Binge Recovery Guide” by K.Hansen. When I relapse somehow, whether it’s through eating or thoughts habits, I tend to get back to this reading because it helps me to get reassured and think straight. Because yes, you are aware of the lies but sometimes it’s just hard to fight against that by yourself. So you need to surround yourself with everything you can to go through it. If you want, the author has also a blog: https://brainoverbinge.com/blog/ with articles and podcasts. I don’t necessarily approve everything, but there are some interesting perspectives in it. I hope it could be useful for you too.
It’s quite normal if you gained weight after a binge. It can reflect the weight of your food, water retention (especially when we eat sugary things), etc. What is displayed is not revealing in itself and only the long term counts. I know… it’s hard to take that into account when you’re dissatisfied with your body and are diminished in your abilities. I promise you’ll get there. You’ll reach your goals and, hopefully, in a gentle and loving way for yourself.
And this thought:
I keep thinking I shouldn’t go anywhere until I can lose some of this weight and be a little more mobile.
Gosh, I thought the same for such a long time. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this idea. It’s really painful. But you know it’s a lie, and the beginning of a vicious circle. To keep going outside and do what you want, as you can, is part of what can be helpful for you over time. I know it feels really uncomfortable sometimes. But to stay isolated or hide yourself will never be part of the solution. This thought is not entirely depending on the number you see on your scale. You could think the same with a different weight. And there’s an other question with it: when will it be enough to do what you want? You have the right to live and exist, right here and right now. So take it easy. Step by step. You’ll lose the weight you want and feel even more comfortable over time. But this goal should never prevent you to live. Don’t push yourself if your body can’t handle this. But let’s get rid of those lies too!
Also, you said you’ve got a lot of stress going on. How do you deal with this generally? Maybe there are strategies that you can put in place, depending on your available resources right now.
You’re trying, you’re doing the right thing. Seriously, for what it’s worth, I’m just so proud of you. You are wonderful. And you are loved. Take care of yourself. Get some rest if you need too. Prioritize the things you have to do. There are probably some of it that can wait and be done later.
Sending much love to you.
Sister Friend… I love you.
blahdahfkjahdl;gj;alsdhfkahsglkjj I just stinking love you so much. <3 I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. I’m never too busy to talk. I miss you… everywhere Joe and I go we find something we want to get you for Christmas… because everything makes me think of you! Because you’re awesome! lol.You’re such a huge part of our lives and we miss you. Our home is too quiet this week without you. The lack of your presence and laughter is noticed.
We’re totally going to that concert Saturday! We’re gonna kick that concerts butt and get our Jesus worship on! Because you deserve this. You deserve all the gifts that God has for you. God isn’t waiting for you to lose weight to bless you and want to spend time with you. We just gotta show up! It will be awesome and I can’t wait to hug you.
Love you. Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words, friend.