The pain I am in took away the last thing I could do to care for myself

I am not actually alive. I do not do anything. I’ll get back to this.

I want to have sex. Except not, because I don’t want to have sex. I want to express my sexuality with someone. It is, if I was with that compatible person, something sexual, but there is no consummate “deed”, and this leaves me with one huge hurdle off the bat:
How the heck do I even go looking for that?

I’m talking about wanting to find someone, for expressly the purpose of a physical fling, except they better not be talking about their genitals because I am not into that.

A relationship is great too. But I just have to be honest with myself, I want to have sex. One sexual experience. One thing to feel embodied and existing in the world and not just in my head about this.
I know partners, the other side of what I’m looking for, exist. But no app or forum anywhere would be designed for it.

Next problem: Why the heck would I make an emotional connection. As in, why would anyone want me. My only chip is if they just physically want me. Which brings me back to the “how do I find a hookup who would actually not be looking for a ‘hookup’ ?”

I thought this post was going to be about the other thing, which is, god, I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone, since I don’t seem to love anything about my life any more. (Thus, what would be the substance of loving another?) Everything is so passive. It’s also dysfunctional. I’m talking about barely capable, never adulted at all, can-just-manage-to-clean-whatever-I-use baby-man status. I blame childhood mistreatment, as I literally begged my parents to show me how to do one thing, one thing at all, and they never did. Blame is another issue for me, which is more a identity problem. I am so filled with vengeful feelings. Resentment. Im not sure which word applies; emotion words were not a strong suit of people in my family. I lived under a delusion of being, at the least, someone who was never angry. Who genuinely enjoyed looking for a way out of any frustration, even owing to someone else’s mistreatment. But one thing is holding me back from wanting to work on anything in my life, and that is I hate what I was underserved to be, so much, that I’d rather take vengeance (somehow) by sucking and being rotten so much, that… it would… prove that I was destroyed by the mistreatment and abuse and professional negligence and apathy (I guess?). I just want to hurt them back, and I want it more than actually making my life better. Only, there is no “them”, it’s an abstract mass of the systems I interacted with. Except for my parents, of whom one still lives. My surviving parent is 100% an emotional trigger to me every time they open their mouth - even if they’re not talking to me!

I cannot tell the difference any more if my blame game is valid. I mean, I am disabled, and ND, and that comes with stress and trauma, there’s something real there; but so much of everything else is honestly just imagining that I was owed something, but was I? Seems not. No one gets what they deserve by justice itself, it’s connections and luck.

To tie it all together: Connections. I don’t open up with people. I didn’t even know I wasnt opening up until I got a taste of some personal writing from people who “got good” at it, and realized I’ve actually not been living as myself for my entire life, and I don’t even know how to begin. To have feelings, and exist with those feelings, in the moment: Totally foreign to me. I have shared some moments of connection with others, spontaneously. Shared meanings, things created, marvels of reality produced by something that we rare few were there for, and recognize - I have these from time to time. But I try to extend this into speaking more deeply with those people, and I always get burned. The rejection is too sensitive to me. Thus, I really feel only alone EVEN within such magic, and it’s driving me insane.
So, it seems I have forgotten how even to want to have a connection with people. It’s just a bunch of stuff I experience.

And all of this is happening only on the internet, actually. I have irl friends, longtime partners. They’re the best. We get together and be safe with each other and… the thing that gets me is how sometimes there’s a moment when I feel “comforted” being with them. Like being wrapped in cushy bedding. And it just made me realize how much that isn’t there. I don’t feel it, perhaps even when I think I’m in the best place I can be. And that’s terrifying - to have emotionally starved myself like that, unwittingly, for 20 years (let’s start counting from middle school). And how, lately, with an acute onset of episodes, being less and less able to feel like I’m even at peace with my friends.

I really, really, really want to have a more intimate relation with someone. Once. Except I’m actually rotten garbage who knows he’s rotten garbage and I do not want to try any more.

Nope can’t actually leave it there because, gotta explain the sexuality thing. I don’t have sexual attraction. I don’t see someone and want them. But I have desire. So, add any amount of “real life” to my life, put me in 1000 interactions with available people, and it’s still… how do you get to there as a topic, as a concept, if no one in particular puts you there, save for if you were somehow to find out by chance they have this peculiar appetite for sex minus the sex.

Like… how can I be upfront in conversation if literally motioning to where I’m at is equivalent to trauma-dumping?* “My life is terrible in every way but one and it’s probs more than half my fault—hold me?”

And, I am 100% aware how allll of the preceding was entirely focused on me, my perspective, and what I want.

(I needed to write this, thank you.)

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Hello! Welcome! Thank you for your post, it’s really well written. Can I just ask some clarifying questions? I hope it doesn’t feel like too much and I want to also let you know that there is no judgement at all, I’d just like to get to know you better.
Also I noted that you mentioned that your post was 100% about you, and I want you to know that is 100% okay! That’s what we are here for, to listen to your story and experiences and share the burdens of life with each other.

I’m someone who believes that sexuality is beautiful! I think exploring in a safe environment with consenting adults can be a really special thing. And even if those people aren’t partners, as long as they are taking safe precautions then that’s totally okay.
When you say you aren’t interested in the actual sexual… how do I say this… perhaps the penetrative side of it… sorry if that sounds vulgar… does it more interesting you exploring someone’s else’s and your own body? Finding stimulation without it having to end in sexual gratification?
Does that make sense?
I don’t think it’s totally out there or uncommon for people to want to explore those things.
As far as looking for like minded people, we’ll I’m not so well knowledgeable about that, but I want to assure you that you aren’t alone.

Do you want emotional connection or do you just believe that even if you did that others would not want that from you?
It’s actually so very insightful of you to pair the idea that you find it hard to love others as you find it hard to love yourself. It’s not something that everyone has a grasp on, and I know I also struggle with it. The feelings we feel towards self aren’t always reflected by others. Sometimes a part of self love is accepting the love others have to offer to us. It’s not always easy, especially if you’ve had relationship issues with family growing up. We tend to see the way we were treated and expect that’s what we deserve, but I assure you that you do deserve more.

It’s okay that you feel these feelings. It’s actually normal to want others to feel hurt that they have shown to us. It’s almost like a hope that they’ll see what they have done to us and actually then be remorseful for doing that.
I’m so sorry you haven’t had the justice you deserve. You are owed love and kindness. You deserve to have help in all aspects. Whether that’s for disability support or emotional and trauma support, you do deserve that.

You do deserve a safe space to talk about your trauma and to open up to heal from it. It looks like you are on the right path. You’re coming to a point of being aware of your feelings and aware that you’ve been neglecting them.
I do hope that talking here has helped.
I appreciate your presence here

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“I don’t see someone and want them. But I have desire.”

To me that is desire. Wanting is being desired.

I am a little confused. Sex but no sex? I am a sexual person. When I first discovered that I was desirable, I would slept around alot. For enjoyment. I loved it. As an adult though, I wanted more.

Now men could say, it’s easy for women. And it is. But as a women who sees men are just as beautiful as women. I find it hard to believe.

Yes it seems you have struggled. You have quite a way with words. But what I dont understand is the sex part? Could you clarify?

Are you perhaps seeking intimacy? Not sex itself, but the deep closeness and safety of being with someone, of the knowledge that it could progress to a sexual encounter if you both wanted that, without THAT being the goal or the aim?
Intimacy is sort of what I think you may be referring too, and while it may be more obvious in more committed partners, it’s possible between friends too, if there is communications and clear boundaries of what the other person needs and wants.

“Are you perhaps seeking intimacy? Not sex itself”. The answer is, the intimacy is the sex. The moment when someone has given me permission to touch and stimulate them, when they’ve surrendered, is the high point entirely and the rest is confirming and paying back an overflowing sense of significance.
Sex is the word I used because I’m talking about taking their orgasm as my goal, or doing everything I can to gratify them up to where they want to be, and that is the gratification for me, and all I’m after.

With friends, is not a thing. I’m not compatible.

I find sexuality beautiful. Of the two heartwrenching still images I’ve ever seen, one is a depiction of two women sitting down for bondage play, as the dom narrates briefly what it means to her. It informs part of the certainty of what I want, and how I know without coming here I’m not alone.

“Wanting is being desired”
No, it isn’t. I don’t desire any particular person. Nothing sirens out particular people to me. Part of that is, I’m never thinking about this when I’m with someone else. The feelings aren’t activated there. But the desires and the fantasies I create alone, want realization. I also have to say something else. I’ve lived comfortably as an asexual person my whole life. Thought I didnt want any of this, turned down advances, and was fine - so much so that I haven’t paid attention to basically anything about sex or dating, until about three years ago, when I suddenly wanted something, knew what it was, and really really really wanted it.
Now I’m so crushed by the sense of starting something so important so late, when I hear anything implying that someone has a partner, that sex actually occurs somewhere, I feel something I can’t process. It’s not jealousy, it’s possibly shame? it makes me feel like my stomach is going to eat me inside out on the spot. Being down bad, being virgin, it’s suddenly about me now.

I late bloomed at the age of 28. I still claim the label of asexual because of the aversions, and the lack of attraction, but the utter bizarreness of “my deal” promises to be very isolating. I have this remote fear of maybe getting a spark with someone somewhere, to y’know, the equivalent of hopping into a bathroom stall, only when I lay out my hard limits I will get slapped for actually being a clown and wasting their time. Though writing this I just realized something. This fear weighs heavily on me the closer I feel to actualizing this goal. I wonder if that’s driving me into the aversion to live purposefully I’m going through right now.

“without it having to end in gratification”
It is about finding gratification. Sort of as Sita said, maybe it’s like it doesn’t have to end up there, but I want to be with someone who wants to be felt up, gets loving from me, and some kind of respect for who we are + the bodies we exist in is confirmed. I could deal with some adjacent grossness. The problem is the previous two sentences contradict. I have to ignore part of what I’m actually doing, ignore part of the -person- I’m with. So, how could I ask someone to do that? Who would be thrilled to get that?

That’s not the real question. The weight is the task of making that overture through how many people, not able to be filtered in any way more than “I meet them”, to be able to ever get to someone who has the yes. The risks of miscommunicating. And, yeah, a bit of shame just being a man, knowing every woman gonna negotiate with her own fear of death to consider opening up to me. The terror I will inflict stepping into sexual being.

Do I want emotional connection. I was already thinking about how I would clarify this. I would say it’s like, I’m aware enough that my ability to relate emotionally may be so damaged, that I can tell “wanting to have a (romantic) partner” is probably not a well-formed thought. For me. Perhaps more illusory than clear, and so, I can think my way out of the hurt of not having it? Like seeing how it’s unrealistic. But I cannot think my way out of wanting to have sex. I can define exactly what I want to happen. I heard that’s a good thing. I have tried not to go into the specific here - to the extent they can be separated from the emotional significance they have. Maybe it isn’t at all going to be as fundamentally healing as I hope, to do it, but, it certainly feels that way these last few months.

… maybe I just suck at conversation. Real talk that comes to mind through writing this.

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