I have a lot of self-worth issues around money, that I would have more or ‘enough’ if I deserved it. Also feeling that I don’t deserve to do things I love like writing, or learning art stuff, because I was meant to be the one picking up after everyone and making sure the household ran smoothly and spending all my energy being responsible and my feelings of being trapped didn’t matter.
The thing that is happening is this: I decided to look for a situation where what I had would be enough to live and feel comfortable. When I started looking out of state I immediately found a place to apply that sounded like it would work, and I started feeling even a little excited.
I filled out the paperwork and was going to send them the screening fee when I got paid, but they emailed me this morning that they would waive the fee and I can move into on August 30th. So I guess I will be moving to the little town my dad was living in when he met and married my mom. Going from Seattle to a tiny town in eastern Idaho. It feels good and crazy and stupid and hopeful all at the same time, and I’m starting to second guess myself.
I am terrified thinking about moving and asking for help moving. I am meeting with some people who specialize in helping people in my sort of situation move successfully. I keep telling myself when I get panicky that I can trust them. I keep telling myself that I deserve to have a comfortable and secure life but I kind of have trouble believing it, or that this is the way to do it. I’m afraid I’m being stupid and I should give up trying to make any changes.
I’m trying to believe I can do this. I’m worried because I have tried similar moves in the past that haven’t worked, but I never asked for help or tried to involve anyone else, and I definitely never told anyone how anxious and scared I was.
Anyway, I am of the firm belief that everyone deserves happiness - in your case: writing, art, finances, a comfortable and secure life, and people helping you move states. You are so much better than you think you are, and you deserve so much more than you think you do. Also, you’re about to uproot yourself and move to a completely different state, so experiencing a form of anxiety is perfectly normal during this type of major transition. Push through, and once you settle into Idaho, I’m positive that things will get better! Please keep us updated!