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The point of existence?

Sigh… Where to Even begin?
As of lately, I’ve been so angry with myself for the decisions I’ve made. And I always thought that when. You began to achieve the things you thought? You wanted, you would discover some self peace. But perhaps I was missing something along the way?
Maybe I wanted the wrong things?

Well, where to start,
I began seeing my spouce 10 years ago, and as much as I am happy with our life now. In ways I’m feeling hopeless… he gets to achieve his dreams. While I sit on the side lines. I’m ready to roll over and let go of my hopes and dreams entirely. And it’s making me wish I could go back in time, and take away my own existence.

After living together for a couple of years, there was an addiction going on to which I was blind for a time about. Then was gas lighted to very unhealthy levels because I wanted in my heart for it to not be true… and I was so sadly blinded by love. So nieve…
Through his addiction, I worked upwards of 55 hours a week. And our bills kept stacking up beyond what I thought all right under my own nose.
Fast forward to now,
He is 2 years clean and working hard and set goals. And he is working on turning our life around everyday. He’s starting to accomplish his dreams.
He goes through the addiction… put me through hell (and almost in a mental institution)… gets himself together. And gets to accomplish his dreams.

But mine… have become such a far distant option in my life. I grew up being taught that “responsibility always comes first”
I have missed some of the most important memories between family/friend events… I’m loosing my own hope of my own dreams. I have had 1 girls night out in all my life… I don’t get to drink/party or have that kind of fun… but he did. I feel like I haven’t even had the opportunity to experience life because I’ve been stuck being responsible for so long. I just want to escape.

The world has become a place… of solitude and neglect. Capitalism and greed… our society here brings me to my own damn knees.
Between giving up on the things I wanted most, the sad broken world we live in…
I just want to escape. Leave. I wish I was never even brought into the world. That would be so much easier then living through the hell we call life.
(I have a large family network and I have had suicides directly in my life… I won’t be acting on the frustration)

But at this point in my life, even tho it’s at a high point…
Not existing would be so much better.

Ps… thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this… I stopped writing years ago, and let go of my creative outlets. It feels good to brings some words to life.

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Hey @Sammik,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your heart here. It’s incredibly powerful to learn to know you and your story. You have a lot to say and there’s a lot to listen to. Really, thank you.

It all makes sense to feel frustrated, lost, stuck, like you’ve been missing something for a long time. Somehow, your partner had this opportunity, despite his struggles, to rise again and have this kind of “fresh” start. This journey probably helped him tremendously to get back on the right track, to be more in tune with his soul and move towards his own goals. But… what about you? Damn, you’ve been such an incredible warrior during all this time. Moving on, pouring out, and I bet without complaining. You’ve been an incredible support to your spouse. Your commitment and dedication are a beautiful act of love, care and compassion. You are amazing. You are strong. But it makes so much sense to feel like you lost an important part of your life by being a responsible adult, an achiever, a supportive human being too.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been too responsible as well. So many times I saw others enjoying their youth while I didn’t. Starting at a young age, I had, implicitely, to be the one who was in charge of adults “responsabilities” + extra emotional care everytime it was needed. When people talk about being a student or a teenager for example, and enjoying parties or being silly from time to time… I don’t get it. I didn’t experience that. And here I am, being an adult overstressed by the things I have to do and trapped in responsabilities we all know. It feels like so many years passed without even being aware of it. This cause me to have a hard time enjoying hobbies or having fun. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m not used to it. This brought so many regrets I’m still learning to process. I feel for you and I wish things were different. But as for everything: it can be changed. Regrets teach us important things about ourselves. And every day is a new opportunity to create new patterns, habits and goals.

My friend, first and foremost, your journey is yours and you can be proud of your accomplishments. You didn’t lose your life. Maybe you missed opportunities, like we all do. Maybe you’ve been stuck in a way to be that is not you… and I am truly sorry for that. It’s such a painful realization. Though… what a powerful moment too. You are being aware of what are the things you don’t want anymore. This is the very first step you need to initiate your fresh start. It doesn’t have to be revolutionary. You don’t have to fall down in the depths of avoidance and escape to make powerful choices in your life. But you certainly do need that kind of moment when you say: enough is enough.

At this point, it could be very tempting to escape by any means - including some very unhealthy ones. But it doesn’t have to be this way, and your dreams are not behind you. Your life isn’t behind you either. The goals you define can always be yours. I hear that you have dreams and desires. This is a fuel to your soul. And even if it feels probably very messy, insecure, foggy right now… damn, the very fact that you just took the time to write down all of this is incredibly powerful. And as you mentioned creative outlets… Sammik, I’d like to really encourage you to try to get back to those, at your own pace. Just because as you said, life can be tough. And our society, the way it works, can seem like an endless pit of nonsense and pressure. There is always something we “have to” do anyways. There are always responsabilities waiting for us. But the moments when you are free of them, when you are YOU without any mask or pressure, even just for 30 minutes during the day, are opportunities you can always create. You just created one by writing this and pressing the “publish” button. I have mad respect to you for doing this.

It is never too late to create meaning in your life or just reinvent yourself. Journaling, coaching, discussing with loved ones and sharing experiences, for example, are some good tools to invest yourself in a self-reflecting time. Maybe it’s also time to discuss with your spouse and find ways to recreate some balance together, now that he is in a better mindset.

Let yourself be inspired, trust your intuition, friend. I hear your voice so full of live! It’s beautiful. Don’t let it fade. Take your time to find your ways to express it. It is 100% worth it because YOU are worth the time, energy, passion that you could dedicate to your own desires and dreams. You also need to feed your soul and your heart with the things you love, enjoy, or are passionate about. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Hey Micro,

I just wanted to say thank you. Truly, honestly and deeply, thank you.
Last night, I was feeling beyond hopeless, so I went searching for some answers maybe? Help? But just looking. And I stumbled across this place, I cannot express in how many ways your words hit so close to home.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I needed it.

You are a one of a kind human in this world, and it does make me smile to know that I’m not the only one who’s had some of these struggles.

There are 2 things I’ve always believed in my life,
What goes around comes around,
And As long as your willing to reach your own hand to help, there will always be help when you need it returned.

Your words are inspiring, touching, and heartfelt. And I really cannot deny that I genuinely appreciate the kindness. I am going to try and start writing again, and maybe some painting. (I need to set up a space in the house if I’m going to paint)
I think you are spot on though, even if I take 15 minutes and do some writing, even brainstorming. I also want to spend some time on here, at least twice a week. If I can lend an ear (in this case an eye haha) to help another struggling soul, it’s worth every moment of time.

Micro, something I would love for you to check out, (if you aren’t already familiar) but please look into “empaths”. Just in your words alone, there’s an energy/breath of life that comes from you. I could bet you are an empath, and i am wondering if you are feeling much of weight of world right now. Which would also be why your words are so strong in energy.

I wish you all the very best, and I hope you continue to spread the light you have inside you. You make a difference in the world everyday!

2 Likes

Hey @Sammik,

Thank you for your kind message. It’s also good to know more about you!

I am going to try and start writing again, and maybe some painting. (I need to set up a space in the house if I’m going to paint)

That’s awesome! And this makes me think: in case you didn’t know, two other places where this community is, on a regular basis, are:

The different streaming segments are often focused on art and creativity (through different mediums - pixel art, traditional art, music for example). If you’re into traditional art such as painting, you might be interested to spend some time with the community on the DanMakesHisMark segment. You can get more infos with the following schedule: https://heartsupport.simvoly.com/

Just some opportunities though. It would be awesome to see you there or on Discord. It’s a good place if you need some extra-encouragement to boost your creative fuel. :slight_smile:

Take care. :heart:

Hi @Sammik, welcome to the community!

My brother battled with drugs for 5 years when we were younger. He took away the peace and happiness from our house at a time when I needed a secure place to heal after dropping out of school and forfeiting a scholarship. One day I was riding back from an errand with a neighbor, we were discussing how rough life in our house was at the time, and she told me “You’re a good son, you know that?” While I appreciated the sentiment, her words cut me. I was the good son. My brother was throwing his life away, my sister was out of state at the university where I dropped out, and I was the one left to “be good” at home. I didn’t party, travel, or pursue my own interests; I went to community college full time, worked 30+ hours a week, kept up a dead-end romantic relationship, and tried my best to be engaged with my family. All that being said, I can’t imagine going through that with a spouse.

They say addiction is a family disease. Obviously it affects the addict, but it hurts everyone around him too. That’s why support groups like Al-Anon exist. You can celebrate your spouse’s recovery and still be hurt and broken from the experience. His recovery doesn’t heal the pain you endured for so long, and it’s not fair to you to deny that. It’s okay that you’re hurt too, and you may have your own recovery path to walk.

You were really strong to stay with him through all that. Hidden addictions have torn apart several couples that I personally know of, and countless more at large. He had his struggles, he turned his life around, and now things are going well for him. Now it’s your turn. You don’t need to be an addict to experience or need recovery, and even if he’s made his amends with you, you still have your own journey to recovery.

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