Sigh… Where to Even begin?
As of lately, I’ve been so angry with myself for the decisions I’ve made. And I always thought that when. You began to achieve the things you thought? You wanted, you would discover some self peace. But perhaps I was missing something along the way?
Maybe I wanted the wrong things?
Well, where to start,
I began seeing my spouce 10 years ago, and as much as I am happy with our life now. In ways I’m feeling hopeless… he gets to achieve his dreams. While I sit on the side lines. I’m ready to roll over and let go of my hopes and dreams entirely. And it’s making me wish I could go back in time, and take away my own existence.
After living together for a couple of years, there was an addiction going on to which I was blind for a time about. Then was gas lighted to very unhealthy levels because I wanted in my heart for it to not be true… and I was so sadly blinded by love. So nieve…
Through his addiction, I worked upwards of 55 hours a week. And our bills kept stacking up beyond what I thought all right under my own nose.
Fast forward to now,
He is 2 years clean and working hard and set goals. And he is working on turning our life around everyday. He’s starting to accomplish his dreams.
He goes through the addiction… put me through hell (and almost in a mental institution)… gets himself together. And gets to accomplish his dreams.
But mine… have become such a far distant option in my life. I grew up being taught that “responsibility always comes first”
I have missed some of the most important memories between family/friend events… I’m loosing my own hope of my own dreams. I have had 1 girls night out in all my life… I don’t get to drink/party or have that kind of fun… but he did. I feel like I haven’t even had the opportunity to experience life because I’ve been stuck being responsible for so long. I just want to escape.
The world has become a place… of solitude and neglect. Capitalism and greed… our society here brings me to my own damn knees.
Between giving up on the things I wanted most, the sad broken world we live in…
I just want to escape. Leave. I wish I was never even brought into the world. That would be so much easier then living through the hell we call life.
(I have a large family network and I have had suicides directly in my life… I won’t be acting on the frustration)
But at this point in my life, even tho it’s at a high point…
Not existing would be so much better.
Ps… thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this… I stopped writing years ago, and let go of my creative outlets. It feels good to brings some words to life.