Do you ever get flashbacks from the most random things?
Music is one of the strongest flashback trigger for me…
So here’s how it went down:
I was playing cards with some friends, listening to music, snacking, singing along, having a great time… just enjoying the evening and the company.
I wanted to switch the playlist to a more upbeat one so that I don’t fall asleep (I was/am very tired), but I got stuck at a playlist from 2011.
It was all fun and games until one particular song came on.
It was a Bruno Mars song.
I never listen to his music, but it gave me such a hard throwback, I almost threw up.
It took me back to middle school, when some friends and I were sitting on a couch at lunch time, jamming out to a certain Bruno Mars song, that the gf of one of my friends sent her.
We talked about how the two of them are such a good fit and that everything will turn out just fine and that she deserves to be happy.
The only problem with this fond memory is that this friend is no longer alive, and every time I hear that song, I am right back in that room laughing with her and I miss her.
I immediately started thinking about her and I spiraled and I couldn’t get myself out of it.
I had tears in my eyes and I felt sick to my stomach.
It makes me feel so alone and so helpless.
I’m already not having a great time with being alive, so flashbacks like that don’t increase my desire to keep breathing.
It’s almost funny how a love song can make you want to die.
Well, that’s it, I’m done with this like of words.
If you actually read this, thanks… idk what I’m doing…
Hey! I’m so sorry to hear about your friend and to hear you aren’t in a great place, please know there are always people here who care about you.
It is okay to cry and grieve for your friend, please remember that. There is also no right or wrong way to grieve and memories, even good ones, can be triggering for some people while going through that process.
You also aren’t alone, please remember that. Even if it feels like it, we’re here and we care!
I get flashbacks like this too, a lot actually. Like there was this song that played during my 8th grade promotion, and that was one of the best nights of my life because I went to a party afterwards and hung out with my boyfriend, and friends. Then when freshman year hit I had lost everyone. One day I was listening to songs on YouTube, and that song came on, and I just started thinking about how good 8th grade was, and how it was “my fault” that everything went wrong. I get like that with other songs too. Or sometimes, people say certain phrases, and it reminds me of a person I used to know. It’s not the same situation as yours, but in the end we both lost people, just in different ways. During that time I developed depression, and I too wanted to die, and bundle up in my room and never come out, those thoughts, and memories were always flashing through my head in one way or another, and it made everything worse. So I know where you are coming from. I want to let you know though that what you felt and are feeling is completely normal for someone who lost someone, it’s just a part of grief. I also want to tell you that you aren’t alone, we may all have different experiences, and some of the same, but we’re all here for you, and your friends are there for you too. I wish I had all the answers to tell you how to stop feeling like you want to die, but I don’t, we’re all figuring it out as we go along. I will say though, that death is not the answer, it never is, I’ve tried it and it didn’t work out. If you give a look at death you can actually use it as a way to keep living, we’re only here for a limited time, once you’re dead, it’s over. We only have one chance at doing the things we really want to do. So we have to use death as our motivation to keep going. I’m sorry that you lost your friend, but I bet they are real proud of you for making it this far. One last thing, if you come to think of other memories like this one, etc. let yourself grieve, it’s healthy, and everyone grieves in their very own way. I bet you are a very wonderful person, you deserve to be alive, and to be happy. We all are always here for you if you need to vent, talk, etc.!
The power of music is absolutely mind blowing sometimes. How it can bring back feelings and memories, good or bad…
I am so sorry to hear about your friend…
I 100% believe that there is something to that spiritually. That her spirit is still here with you. I’ve read and learned that when you loved one that passed on pops in your mind, whether it be random or from a smell or from music, that that person’s spirit is close to you, that they’re near you and you’re spirit is simply responding to them. I dont believe God would ever take someone from you without leaving a part of them here with you.
I hope that gives you something positive to hold on to. Because she sounded like an amazing friend to you.
Take care, hang in there, and smile knowing she’s near you my friend.
-zack
