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The roller coaster continues. TRIGGER WARNING


#1

Hi everyone, MoP here. Things are going to change slightly in this post, compared to others, and that is there are going to be a few touchy topics that could be a trigger.

DO NOT READ IF THE FOLLOWING IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU:
Talk of suicide, depressive thoughts, swearing, conversations about stress, economical issues, emotional breakdowns, talks of harm, talks of verbal abuse, and emotional abuse.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So. Hi. Now that’s out of the way, and as usual, there will be a TLDR somewhere nearby.

So, it’s been twelve days (ish since I’ve posted here about some financial stressors). Update on the last post: my therapist has essentially gone AWOL/ ghost mode on me, which is not awesome. She hasn’t been in the office for a few weeks, and hasn’t bothered to even get in touch to even consider a rescheduling. Great. Our family is getting tighter on spending, and the stress is high for everyone. I’m currently going through a show week as the “pit” band for our theatre/drama production, our first show was earlier this evening and we don’t end till Saturday.

Now for the new nightmares that ensue: My car (which I have been relying on heavily this week), has finally decided to tell me to go fuck myself. Great, right? Nope.we are hoping it is just a head gasket, and then it’s a simple fix. If not? Then the engine could be beyond fucked and I won’t be able to drive it in the winter. Or when it gets remotely cold. Sweet. Thanks car. Not like I needed heat or a working vehicle at all. Especially not when it’s -50°c out. Nope. Anyways, I’m using my dads car to get to the theatre where we are playing for the drama. I’m missing my first week of cores, and this week has been pretty hard. Emotionally and physically. People asked my about my facial scarring (got bit by dog in the face when I was a kid. Had to bring up daddy issues in process for clarity.), then had a close friend have an emotional breakdown about how some family members weren’t great or caring, and that we here only friends that really cared about her. That was fun. I’m not overly affected by it, aside from me feeling bad for her and whatnot, being the emotionally sappy kid I am. Had a shitty first half of our performance tonight, even after weeks of practice. That was great.

Here’s where the triggers really start: last night, on my way home (almost like 10pm), I just felt like shit. I felt emotionally dead, and that I’m worthless and just a sack of shit behind a guitar. I actually was so fucked in the head last night that even music (which usually grounds me in these issues) actually threw me deeper into the rabbit hole. Thoughts about dead family, the daddy issues, the home issue, the whole worthlessness ordeal, and feeling like I’m not even close to the expectations of my parents. I actually almost killed myself last night. I actually was ready to go. It took me a lot not to just steer the car off the road and into an off ramp wall. I ended up finding a semi to get behind, and followed him all the way home, using that as my grounding. It was hard to actually Will myself to not die. It’s been three years since I’ve been this close to offing myself for no big reason. Even though I should probably check myself into a hospital, I won’t, not yet anyways. I still have a show to finish, and a new semester to catch up. I also should look for a new therapist, but that’s a lot of time and effort.

TL;DR: legal issues still exist, stress from missing the start of semester 2, stress of show week for theatre production, car decided to have a stroke, thoughts of previous emotional stressors, had a friend breakdown to me and a few others about her issues, and for the first time in three years I almost killed myself because I let the emotions take the wheel, instead of my mind.

Keep strong, y’all loved at the end of the day
MoP


#2

You’re loved at the end of the day too. I’m sorry you have to go through this shitty stuff. Take it one day at a time, ok? Maybe turn to friends you trust. Opening up about your struggles in any way can help. You can do this. You’re stronger than you know. You can sort out the therapist, catch up on semester 2, and deal with the car. This is just another bump in the road. You’ll get through this. You’ll be okay.
Hold Fast, I believe in you :slight_smile:


#3

I’m glad you are still here. We love you. I’m sorry about the financial issues and just the stress of life in general. That sounds really hard. But please hang on. You have so much left to offer this world and these struggles will pass. You can get through this.


#4

Thanks. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m hoping that It all gets better soon. I’ve also decided to get back in touch with my father, calling him, but in his typical (absent or ignorant) fashion, he didn’t answer. I might try again tomorrow, but I don’t know what the results will yield. Oh well.


#5

I’m trying. Thanks for the encouragement though. I have talked with a few friends, as well as attempted to reconnect with my father. The friends side of things, it was actually scarily supportive. They were there for me. That’s honestly not a thing I’ve seen from friends. On the father side, he didn’t get back to me, but I might call tomorrow.


#6

Thanks for pointing me to this update…seems like it’s been a rough start to 2019 for you, man. Glad you have a strong will though. Also, great noticing on all of the pieces that created the spiral. I’m sure you’re already aware of this resource, but if you want to find another counselor, HeartSupport’s partnered with an online counselor at betterhelp.com/heartsupport
Thanks for sharing the update and your story and for letting me track along.


#7

Thanks Nate. I wasnt aware of that new resource, but thanks for directing me there. I do however have to do my counsellors through local hospitals, because of our healthcare, and whatnot, but i will keep that resource open for sure.