Hi everyone, MoP here. Things are going to change slightly in this post, compared to others, and that is there are going to be a few touchy topics that could be a trigger.
DO NOT READ IF THE FOLLOWING IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU:
Talk of suicide, depressive thoughts, swearing, conversations about stress, economical issues, emotional breakdowns, talks of harm, talks of verbal abuse, and emotional abuse.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So. Hi. Now that’s out of the way, and as usual, there will be a TLDR somewhere nearby.
So, it’s been twelve days (ish since I’ve posted here about some financial stressors). Update on the last post: my therapist has essentially gone AWOL/ ghost mode on me, which is not awesome. She hasn’t been in the office for a few weeks, and hasn’t bothered to even get in touch to even consider a rescheduling. Great. Our family is getting tighter on spending, and the stress is high for everyone. I’m currently going through a show week as the “pit” band for our theatre/drama production, our first show was earlier this evening and we don’t end till Saturday.
Now for the new nightmares that ensue: My car (which I have been relying on heavily this week), has finally decided to tell me to go fuck myself. Great, right? Nope.we are hoping it is just a head gasket, and then it’s a simple fix. If not? Then the engine could be beyond fucked and I won’t be able to drive it in the winter. Or when it gets remotely cold. Sweet. Thanks car. Not like I needed heat or a working vehicle at all. Especially not when it’s -50°c out. Nope. Anyways, I’m using my dads car to get to the theatre where we are playing for the drama. I’m missing my first week of cores, and this week has been pretty hard. Emotionally and physically. People asked my about my facial scarring (got bit by dog in the face when I was a kid. Had to bring up daddy issues in process for clarity.), then had a close friend have an emotional breakdown about how some family members weren’t great or caring, and that we here only friends that really cared about her. That was fun. I’m not overly affected by it, aside from me feeling bad for her and whatnot, being the emotionally sappy kid I am. Had a shitty first half of our performance tonight, even after weeks of practice. That was great.
Here’s where the triggers really start: last night, on my way home (almost like 10pm), I just felt like shit. I felt emotionally dead, and that I’m worthless and just a sack of shit behind a guitar. I actually was so fucked in the head last night that even music (which usually grounds me in these issues) actually threw me deeper into the rabbit hole. Thoughts about dead family, the daddy issues, the home issue, the whole worthlessness ordeal, and feeling like I’m not even close to the expectations of my parents. I actually almost killed myself last night. I actually was ready to go. It took me a lot not to just steer the car off the road and into an off ramp wall. I ended up finding a semi to get behind, and followed him all the way home, using that as my grounding. It was hard to actually Will myself to not die. It’s been three years since I’ve been this close to offing myself for no big reason. Even though I should probably check myself into a hospital, I won’t, not yet anyways. I still have a show to finish, and a new semester to catch up. I also should look for a new therapist, but that’s a lot of time and effort.
TL;DR: legal issues still exist, stress from missing the start of semester 2, stress of show week for theatre production, car decided to have a stroke, thoughts of previous emotional stressors, had a friend breakdown to me and a few others about her issues, and for the first time in three years I almost killed myself because I let the emotions take the wheel, instead of my mind.
Keep strong, y’all loved at the end of the day
MoP
