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The sad epiphany I had on my life

This post mentions sexual abuse/cannabis use.

I’m at such a complete loss. It’s been months since I posted and in that time I don’t know how to feel. I’ve been unemployed for 2 months (though I’m waiting on a call back after an interview I had–yay!) and my relationships have been boiled to nothing for both with friends and my partner. I’ve been isolating myself for more than it being a cold Winter, and all my problems have been crashing down on me. I’m desperately trying to be somewhere safe to vent and relax but I left all my friends and I wouldn’t want to tell my partner. While under the influence of cannabis last night, I talked with a friend and he made me have such an overwhelming epiphany of everything I’ve been avoiding, ignoring, and denying.

I have a lot of problems, but one is that I can’t understand my emotions if I try to think about it, if that makes sense. If I’m happy that’s obvious, but when asked how do I feel about a troubling topic to me or from an argument I’m having w/partner, it’s like my head gives up and I just feel neutral. I’ll have moments of anger, confidence, etc, but when in a stressful situation like that where I have to think about what I think/feel, it’s hard to comprehend what’s going on inside. I have anxiety that makes me mentally balance each side of pros/cons, then it only gives me more anxiety since there are pros/cons and I don’t wish to make my partner/friends upset by either. It’s crippling me I feel, I can’t have a choice in fear of people being upset with me, though most end up upset with me for never choosing anyways. Terrible loop, and it’s constant no matter the situation.

A lot of that–from what I believe–can be tracked back to my parents, another one of my big problems. My mother is bi-polar, depression-ridden and argues with my step-father a lot. In moments where I’ve needed sympathy and have been doubting myself from anxiety, she’s shown anger and that in the moment she doesn’t care. My mother is a loving, non-judgmental person, but the bi-polar she suffers from is something that my fragile self can’t take. I’ve shut down after a time months ago where I was my lowest and not wanting to go to work the next morning. I was struggling with crying I couldn’t stop and the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I opened my door as she walked past, having just left an argument she was having with my step-father. Looking back I can understand that she couldn’t really control it, but how she asked me “what’s wrong now” with an annoyed hand gesture had hit me to the core. It’s something so small that I can guarantee she doesn’t remember, but I felt so alone and needing someone (partner and I were arguing at the time I think?) that when the only person I trusted at the time was mad at me for being sad, I lost it. This has happened throughout my childhood.

In addition to my family, there is my step-father. He is an ex-pill addict though he has not been a malicious man. He is a hard-worker, will kill anyone for his family, but he is also my sexual abuser. Nothing has happened in years, but the only memories that are always in the front of my mind are those ones. What I experienced when I was younger, how I was oblivious and unaware, but I never dealt with it. Telling that man I love him every day (as all our family members did) and growing with him has taught me that denial is best. Nobody knew of it, I never talked about it, I kept it to myself. Only on one occasion where I told my mother did it all come crashing down. She shut down, he denied and was yelling and crying, and my brother came home in a panic that I had to handle. It was terrible and the awkwardness lasted a week. I told my mother I must have been confused from the stories she vented to me about from her sexual abuse as a child. She never said anything more, and my step-father talked to me for an hour, crying and saying he would never. At the time, I believe he was addicted to pain medication, and his brain seems fried that he would never admit or understand. I don’t know if he truly remembers, but I always do. That was a year ago and everything is back to how it was now. We don’t talk about it anymore, and I keep to myself mostly. I go with the normality of it but I feel like the years I’ve spent in his presence has destroyed me mentally. I’m so broken because of this man but I will never admit to it again, nor will I do anything about it. I can’t cut him from my life, I can’t report him, I can’t take him away from my mother. He’s all she has, and he can’t be a functioning person of society as my mother can. I’m so hurt that it’s all under the rug forever, but I can’t ruin several lives for something that only happened to me. I can only escape it by moving out, so I’m really hoping for this job opportunity.

And with that, my last big problem I’ll mention; my partner. We’re nowhere close to one another, he lives in Sweden and I live in the US. We have never met, though we had some plans that ended up postponed, though now I’m unsure. The beginning of our relationship was from, exciting, and we talked happily for hours and hours. I was in college at the time, but I ended up going home after the first semester. We’ve been together for about a year and a few months now, but the only change that has happened is that he’s been away more (only started last month). He spends a lot of time with his friends and family, which I wouldn’t be so upset about if he actually gave me his time and attention. “Jade” time is when he’s home playing video games and I’m in a call with him. In the past we played games together and watch shows/movies, but I stopped playing due to boredom and we don’t have similar interests in movies/shows. A couple days ago, I had been struggling to sleep and we talked when he woke up (roughly 5 AM for me). We called, talked, and as I was feeling sleepy finally I jokingly told him that I would sleep on one condition; for him to read to me (in Swedish, of course). I was excited because I love his voice and it’s been so long since he’s done that, I thought it would be cute and a nice way to share a moment since times have been tough lately. However, he seemed annoyed and said that he thought I had gotten over that. He told he he doesn’t want to, and he continue playing his game/watching whatever video he was watching. Again, I was crushed as it’s been terribly for us lately and I had just finished explaining to him the night/a few nights before that I felt like I don’t get enough from him, that he does stuff that hurts me even when he doesn’t notice. I got noticeably upset, went quiet, and cried quietly to myself. I’m so alone, and I tried explaining why I was upset and he still refused. Is it not simple to take 5 minutes to read something? Am I just exaggerating too much? I’ve been so lonely and depressed, and everyone I try to reach just gets upset at me. I have three people; my brother, a close friend, and someone who still loves me even though we don’t talk much and it’s only been recent (stopped talking to him for a year before that).

I’m so alone in everything, I can’t explain to my partner what he does wrong as I’m “always saying what’s wrong with him” and “I’m always guilt-tripping him”. The first problem I’ll be trying to fix tonight/tomorrow is him. If he doesn’t like or agree with what I say, I’ll ask for a break. I know the best to do would be to break up with him, I’ve been told that by friends, but I don’t have the willpower in me. I love him, or at least how he was prior, but I always feel the need to fix, help, and support people. It drains me, but I don’t have it in me. My parents are always arguing and insulting each other at least every other day, so I think to myself that it’s just normal, some people argue like that, and it’s fine. However, I’m starting think that I can’t handle it, at least not his anger issues and denial.

This is all so much to read, I’m not looking for a lot of advice, I’m just trying to vent and maybe see what some others think. I always feel like I over-exaggerate, but taking the time to think about it with a friend yesterday made me start to believe/realize that I’m truly broken and that it’s okay to blame others; it’s not always my fault and it’s not something I have to fix. I don’t have to fix everyone, and I won’t be able to. I need to care for myself but it’s so hard to when I have so much trauma and problems that I’m too overwhelmed to think about it and cope properly. I’m hurt and in need of good people and friends, but it’s difficult when I’m so sheltered and scared. Thank you for reading if you did, I just want to know if I’m right in all this since I always doubt myself and contradict myself. I’m starting to believe it but I know I’ll end up thinking twice.

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Hey friend, welcome back. I’m glad that you felt comfortable to express your mind. I’m going to try my best to respond, okay?

First of all, good luck on the job call back! I hope that it works out! I know times are tough right now with the Corona, so call backs may be slower than normal, but as things smooth over, I hope that something works out for you so you can’ feel better about your job situation.

When things start feeling overwhelming, I think it’s pretty natural for us as humans to want to isolate and push back instead of opening up to those around us. It can be hard sometimes. Why do you feel like you wouldn’t want to tell your partner? Communication is so important. What there makes you feel that way? Or is this epiphany something you feel that may not take well with them?

I can relate to this. I don’t know exactly your situation or what all your struggles are, but I know that in my life when things begin to feel intense, overwhelming or even just begin to stack up, I start to feel mentally disoriented and have a really hard time processing my feelings. Especially out loud to others. Sometimes it takes me a while to really be able to and I just need time to think on it. Let my feelings process. Kinda like sleeping on it I guess. While I can’t fully understand your way of processing, I can understand the crippling anxiety. That loop sounds stressful. It sucks when people close to you end up upset when you’re just trying mentally collect yourself. Especially when it’s hard to do that.

This makes sense. Bipolar is a hard thing to face sometimes. I come from a family of people diagnosed with Bipolar and I myself am also. So I know how ugly it can be sometimes. Especially if not treated properly and consistently. I’m sorry that your mom has struggled at times to show you proper support when you really needed it. That’s rough. It sucks, because it sounds like your mom actually really cares and this mental illness serves as an interference sometimes in how our mind is receiving and outputting. I can relate to that completely. In a moment of extreme stress, especially when arguing with someone, it’s hard because everything in your mind isn’t as it would be normally, emotions are high, sometimes swinging from one extreme to the next, irritability kicks in and can put us in a place where we aren’t at our best and react in ways we don’t actually mean to. In this situation, your moms tone came across really harsh and hit you deeply. Been there. From both side. I’ve been the one to react in such a way, later guilting and felt awful, and I’ve been the one to receive such accusatory and hurtful tones. Both positions suck. It never feels good to hurt people you love and care for and it certainly doesn’t feel good to feel like what you’re feeling is being under valued. I think it’s important to remember that you have every right to feel hurt in that moment. But that your feelings are also completely valid AND know that deep down your mom didn’t mean to hurt you. I often later have to talk about it with the person I had the interaction with. Sometimes I’m the one that has to say sorry and own up to how hurtful my words were and sometimes I just need that person to realize how hurtful their words. We talk it out. Bad timing. Which really sucks because you needed her and at the time she couldn’t be emotionally available due to stress. Hard all over ):

My heart aches here because I understand a lot of the pain you express here. While our experiences are a little different, they are in ways very similar. I had family members including my mother who was an addict and alcoholic. Though she’d deny the severity of it and call me a liar, as she always has. And I was sexually abused not by 1 but by 2 Grandfathers. With the one, it was only once. The other, it was for most of my upbringing. And like you, nobody knew of it. It was hard because my Grandpa was also my best friend and the one who often made me feel safe. Complicated right? And like you, when I finally came forward about it, everything came crashing down. There was denial all over about it. Fingers pointed at me. For me, my family refused to admit to the truth and continued to force me to hide it. And years later when I told my mother, she was angry at me for not telling HER instead of my grandmother and also mad at me for not speaking up sooner because I had put my sister in danger by not bringing it to attention. I fell as the fault. So while our situations are very different, I still understand so much of the hurt that comes with that. It’s so awful. It being shoved under a rug sucks. Because it’s something that we carry with us. It does destroy us mentally and it’s hard trying not to let it consumes us. At least it was for me. I questioned myself all of the time. Like you, to report it would be to take away my Grandmother’s spouse. Her rock. It would disrupt her house. So it was a battle that I internally fought for many many years until he passed. I so understand that guilt. That burden. And my heart ACHES that you had to experience that. I know how hard it can be to put into words how painful it is and the self conflict that comes with it for so many reasons. And again, like you, I escaped it by moving out. By getting away from it. For me I had to resolve it within myself. Heal. Because in my family that issue never resolved. (I did come through it in a lot of ways)

Man this is hard. Long distance is so rough. Even harder when you’re in entirely different countries. I know the hardships of that as well. As I started long distance in my previous marriage and I also was a military spouse for 12 years. So I often spent months and even up to a year alone while he was deployed or gone. It’s hard for so many reasons. It’s natural for you to want that comfort. To want to hear his voice, to want that time. It’s probably even more important to have that time of nurturing when long distance because all you have is that voice. Or text threads. You don’t get to embrace the more physical intimate side of the relationship that we as human crave. You aren’t exaggerating too much. At all. To want that is not a bad thing. It’s not unreasonable. I’m really sorry that for him, that he struggled to understand that and why it is important to you. It’s an entirely acceptable and valid feeling. It’s understandable to want that. Okay? So while he may not have understood it, know that you do not have to guilt over that. Absolutely not. Maybe he didn’t want to, and that’s okay to, maybe there are other ways he can share his voice. Compromising is often something that we have to do in relationships. Because we love each other.

Honey, it’s okay to share what is going on that is bothering you. Communication is so important in a relationship. Especially when long distance. Because that communication is all you have to base your relationship on since you can’t add the physical side to it right now. Long distance is a huge commitment and it takes both sides to be willing to nurture each other’s needs. If he isn’t willing to talk and listen about what you guys need to work on to function as a healthy relationship, that’s going to be really hard. It’s important too, that when we share our feelings that we try to do it calmly and not in a nagging tone as, yes it can be hard to receive feelings when it feels likes we are being attacked. But it’s also important to be open to each other and willing to work on what may be hurtful and hear each other out. So, yea maybe talking to him about just having a heart to heart to see if he’s willing is a good thing. And absolutely don’t be afraid to take a break if he just isn’t willing to invest in the relationship the way you need. We all have needs. You know? We all have different love languages. We have to work together to figure out what those love languages are and try to work together to attend to them. I hope that he will hear you out and be open to you. Because I know how hard break ups are. I know how hard it is to love someone that isn’t as invested as you. And as far as the anger issues and denial, I don’t handle that stuff well either. I’m a peaceful person. And I need it anyway. With being bipolar its too hard to be with people that are angry. So, I hear you friend. hugs

It was a lot, but that isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes we just need to share our heart and our hurts and that is absolutely okay. I’m really long winded too (if it isnt obvious). You deserve to be heard! 10/10. I don’t know what you and your friend spoke about but you are not broken. You are hurting and have been through a lot, yes. But it is fair to hold people accountable for their hurts even if its just in your heart. A lot of that was NOT your fault. Some of that was not in your control. You know? However, I have learned, like you said, you don’t have to fix everyone. No, you wont be able to. Yes, you do need to care for yourself and yes, it’s a hard road and a hard process, but let me tell you friend it’s possible! There is hope. I have been there. I am still fighting but I have over come many of the things we share in common. I understand being sheltered and scared. Me too. Especially as an autistic, I don’t make friends easily. Its so hard. BUT, you have a friend here who gets and who understands so much of what you have shared here.

So with that said. I want you to know, I am open to you. Here or on discord. I don’t know if you are in the HeartSupport discord or not, but here is the link: https://discord.gg/7mwvvm know that we are a family there and you are always welcome to be a part of us, in general chat, in real talk, in the streams and you are more than welcome to DM me. Okay? You are cared for and loved here. Don’t doubt yourself. You seem to have a really good head on your shoulder. You seem to know where you need to address things with yourself. Talking about it is a good start. I believe in you. <3

hugs

  • Kitty
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I’m going to keep it short and concise. There Is no excuse for sexual abuse. I knew a girl who was sold into sex slavery in eastern Europe as a child. She was fortunate to be saved and adopted by an American family. She would often call me in the middle of the night from the terror she would have in her dreams.
NEVER SACRIFICE your own health and well-being just because it may not favors others.

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Honestly thank you so much for taking your time and responding to everything, it helps a lot being reassured and given reasonable advice. It’s so much for me to handle, I’m relieved to have the assurance and support. I have trouble talking with my partner because he shuts down a lot and feels attacked when I try to explain how what he did/said/didn’t do had hurt me. I’ve been dealing with that by trying to minimize my problems/emotions/issues just so he doesn’t have to worry, but I’ve come to terms knowing that what I’m doing is making it more stressful for me. I’m trying to help myself knowing that I’m the only one in my situation that can fix everything, I’m just afraid of leaving him since I put so much effort into it, I keep thinking things will get better if I keep trying, but so far it hasn’t. Ugh. Also thank you for the Discord link, I’d love the be apart of the community more. :hearts:

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Hey, no problem. Sometimes we all just need someone to listen. I really felt so much of what you shared on such a personal level so I wanted to be able to respond to everything.

I understood better as I read on, why you struggle to talk to your partner. It makes sense. That’s really hard. I also know how frustrating and maddening it can be when you honestly just want to talk something out so it can be improved upon, but the other person just refused to cooperate. Been there.

You’re right though, it will be just more and more stressful if you keep minimizing your own problems, emotions and issues. You can’t back burner yourself like that. In the end it can be so destructive. Besides, the person you are with shouldn’t make you feel that way. That’s a bit of a red flag right there.

It’s true also that only we can, in the end, fix ourselves. It IS okay however, to reach out for help. Like on here or to a therapist. To help offer guidance. But yes, we have to try to work on things for us and make ourselves a priority. This was especially hard for me to understand and accept for a very long time.

I understand the fear of leaving a relationship that you’ve invested so much time in. But think of it this way, you don’t want to invest too much more energy either if the person isn’t going to appreciate you, your feelings and the relationship in order to keep it going. Over investing could be more damaging than leaving sooner. But it just depends on how willing he is to work with you. But if he isn’t, give yourself time to heal. It’ll take time. Break ups are never easy. Trust me, I know. I divorced from a 15 year long relationship. But I also know that there is light at the end. You deserve love. Not just from someone else, but also from yourself. Very especially yourself <3 I know that’s not always easy.

Join up the discord, feel free to find me and add me there. You’re welcome to DM me any time <3. Even if I’m slow, I will get back to you.

Something else that may be worth looking into is: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

I am currently working through Heart Support’s book Dwarf Planet. It really is worth reading and going through. It’s a book, guide and workbook through depression. I don’t see it as a magical cure all, but it is really amazing to have for self reflecting, just being open and honest with yourself and finding ways to maybe better get through depression when we get feeling that way. I am working with a couple people through it. Mostly I just check in with them once in a while and see how they are doing. And if they feel like talking, we talk about what we read and did in the book. I encourage you to check this out if you are able. And if you need a friendly ear for it, I’m only a DM away. <3

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