This post mentions sexual abuse/cannabis use.
I’m at such a complete loss. It’s been months since I posted and in that time I don’t know how to feel. I’ve been unemployed for 2 months (though I’m waiting on a call back after an interview I had–yay!) and my relationships have been boiled to nothing for both with friends and my partner. I’ve been isolating myself for more than it being a cold Winter, and all my problems have been crashing down on me. I’m desperately trying to be somewhere safe to vent and relax but I left all my friends and I wouldn’t want to tell my partner. While under the influence of cannabis last night, I talked with a friend and he made me have such an overwhelming epiphany of everything I’ve been avoiding, ignoring, and denying.
I have a lot of problems, but one is that I can’t understand my emotions if I try to think about it, if that makes sense. If I’m happy that’s obvious, but when asked how do I feel about a troubling topic to me or from an argument I’m having w/partner, it’s like my head gives up and I just feel neutral. I’ll have moments of anger, confidence, etc, but when in a stressful situation like that where I have to think about what I think/feel, it’s hard to comprehend what’s going on inside. I have anxiety that makes me mentally balance each side of pros/cons, then it only gives me more anxiety since there are pros/cons and I don’t wish to make my partner/friends upset by either. It’s crippling me I feel, I can’t have a choice in fear of people being upset with me, though most end up upset with me for never choosing anyways. Terrible loop, and it’s constant no matter the situation.
A lot of that–from what I believe–can be tracked back to my parents, another one of my big problems. My mother is bi-polar, depression-ridden and argues with my step-father a lot. In moments where I’ve needed sympathy and have been doubting myself from anxiety, she’s shown anger and that in the moment she doesn’t care. My mother is a loving, non-judgmental person, but the bi-polar she suffers from is something that my fragile self can’t take. I’ve shut down after a time months ago where I was my lowest and not wanting to go to work the next morning. I was struggling with crying I couldn’t stop and the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I opened my door as she walked past, having just left an argument she was having with my step-father. Looking back I can understand that she couldn’t really control it, but how she asked me “what’s wrong now” with an annoyed hand gesture had hit me to the core. It’s something so small that I can guarantee she doesn’t remember, but I felt so alone and needing someone (partner and I were arguing at the time I think?) that when the only person I trusted at the time was mad at me for being sad, I lost it. This has happened throughout my childhood.
In addition to my family, there is my step-father. He is an ex-pill addict though he has not been a malicious man. He is a hard-worker, will kill anyone for his family, but he is also my sexual abuser. Nothing has happened in years, but the only memories that are always in the front of my mind are those ones. What I experienced when I was younger, how I was oblivious and unaware, but I never dealt with it. Telling that man I love him every day (as all our family members did) and growing with him has taught me that denial is best. Nobody knew of it, I never talked about it, I kept it to myself. Only on one occasion where I told my mother did it all come crashing down. She shut down, he denied and was yelling and crying, and my brother came home in a panic that I had to handle. It was terrible and the awkwardness lasted a week. I told my mother I must have been confused from the stories she vented to me about from her sexual abuse as a child. She never said anything more, and my step-father talked to me for an hour, crying and saying he would never. At the time, I believe he was addicted to pain medication, and his brain seems fried that he would never admit or understand. I don’t know if he truly remembers, but I always do. That was a year ago and everything is back to how it was now. We don’t talk about it anymore, and I keep to myself mostly. I go with the normality of it but I feel like the years I’ve spent in his presence has destroyed me mentally. I’m so broken because of this man but I will never admit to it again, nor will I do anything about it. I can’t cut him from my life, I can’t report him, I can’t take him away from my mother. He’s all she has, and he can’t be a functioning person of society as my mother can. I’m so hurt that it’s all under the rug forever, but I can’t ruin several lives for something that only happened to me. I can only escape it by moving out, so I’m really hoping for this job opportunity.
And with that, my last big problem I’ll mention; my partner. We’re nowhere close to one another, he lives in Sweden and I live in the US. We have never met, though we had some plans that ended up postponed, though now I’m unsure. The beginning of our relationship was from, exciting, and we talked happily for hours and hours. I was in college at the time, but I ended up going home after the first semester. We’ve been together for about a year and a few months now, but the only change that has happened is that he’s been away more (only started last month). He spends a lot of time with his friends and family, which I wouldn’t be so upset about if he actually gave me his time and attention. “Jade” time is when he’s home playing video games and I’m in a call with him. In the past we played games together and watch shows/movies, but I stopped playing due to boredom and we don’t have similar interests in movies/shows. A couple days ago, I had been struggling to sleep and we talked when he woke up (roughly 5 AM for me). We called, talked, and as I was feeling sleepy finally I jokingly told him that I would sleep on one condition; for him to read to me (in Swedish, of course). I was excited because I love his voice and it’s been so long since he’s done that, I thought it would be cute and a nice way to share a moment since times have been tough lately. However, he seemed annoyed and said that he thought I had gotten over that. He told he he doesn’t want to, and he continue playing his game/watching whatever video he was watching. Again, I was crushed as it’s been terribly for us lately and I had just finished explaining to him the night/a few nights before that I felt like I don’t get enough from him, that he does stuff that hurts me even when he doesn’t notice. I got noticeably upset, went quiet, and cried quietly to myself. I’m so alone, and I tried explaining why I was upset and he still refused. Is it not simple to take 5 minutes to read something? Am I just exaggerating too much? I’ve been so lonely and depressed, and everyone I try to reach just gets upset at me. I have three people; my brother, a close friend, and someone who still loves me even though we don’t talk much and it’s only been recent (stopped talking to him for a year before that).
I’m so alone in everything, I can’t explain to my partner what he does wrong as I’m “always saying what’s wrong with him” and “I’m always guilt-tripping him”. The first problem I’ll be trying to fix tonight/tomorrow is him. If he doesn’t like or agree with what I say, I’ll ask for a break. I know the best to do would be to break up with him, I’ve been told that by friends, but I don’t have the willpower in me. I love him, or at least how he was prior, but I always feel the need to fix, help, and support people. It drains me, but I don’t have it in me. My parents are always arguing and insulting each other at least every other day, so I think to myself that it’s just normal, some people argue like that, and it’s fine. However, I’m starting think that I can’t handle it, at least not his anger issues and denial.
This is all so much to read, I’m not looking for a lot of advice, I’m just trying to vent and maybe see what some others think. I always feel like I over-exaggerate, but taking the time to think about it with a friend yesterday made me start to believe/realize that I’m truly broken and that it’s okay to blame others; it’s not always my fault and it’s not something I have to fix. I don’t have to fix everyone, and I won’t be able to. I need to care for myself but it’s so hard to when I have so much trauma and problems that I’m too overwhelmed to think about it and cope properly. I’m hurt and in need of good people and friends, but it’s difficult when I’m so sheltered and scared. Thank you for reading if you did, I just want to know if I’m right in all this since I always doubt myself and contradict myself. I’m starting to believe it but I know I’ll end up thinking twice.