Not sure if this is progress or a need for support.
The Shower…
This is a place that I’m guessing thru my own experiences, people with borderline personality disorder do most of their obsessive negative shit talk to everyone who has ever in their eyes, hurt them. It’s a place to go over anything you’ve said, written, done or want to say to whoever the person is over and over and over again.
Until you have been made aware of your symptoms (took me over 10yrs after I was diagnosed to wake up) and start learning tools to help manage your emotions, you don’t know this isn’t normal. I hate it and sometimes I don’t even take a shower for a few days because I don’t want to go thru it.
It’s a very toxic 10 mins.
I’ve been doing exercises in my DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) workbook and learning skills to use when the intrusive thoughts come. I started to listen to my favorite music in the shower and sing along focusing on the words instead of the obsessive thoughts trying to sneak in. This didn’t work very well most of the time, because I would all of a sudden notice the song that was playing was almost over and I had drafted a long poison pen letter.
This morning as I was getting ready to shower, I grabbed my phone and blue tooth speaker. I thought, what if I just have quiet and try to focus on things that make me happy? This past week has been so much and I was craving positivity. So, that was my goal. I thought about my son and how proud I am of him. I thought about spending time with my brother who I don’t see much. We have a good relationship, but live over an 1hr away from each other and he has a very busy life. I even made my grocery list for tomorrow lol. Although, this helped me a ton, I still found myself in negative conversations with people I’ve split with.
It’s a constant, exhausting battle in my head and I’m trying so, so hard to fight it.
This is without a doubt a mark of progress because you are trying. Although the results are to be considered differently than the process itself. Coping is mostly about trying, experimenting, learning to identify our limits and what is actually beneficial to us. By trying the way you did, you still learn something about. It is a step further, and it sounds that it’s been a pretty good one! There’s often something very positive and powerful to listen to your intuition after you’ve been advised to try something. Because you’re learning to be true to yourself and adapt your very own coping mechanisms to YOU. It’s wonderful.
Although it is an exhausting battle and it will take time to produce the results you envision, just because we can’t impact instantly something that’s been there for a very long time, you still are trying, experimenting, persevering, and that is something to celebrate.
I don’t struggle with borderline personality, but do find showers really tough as it’s a time when I’m alone with myself - and my thoughts. Oftentimes I end up not moving, letting the water flow on my skin and I try to focus on it - the warmth, the soft sensations, the sounds, the perfumes. Sitting in the shower instead of staying up also gives me a sense of grounding and tend to make this moment less overwhelming. I don’t know if this could help at all, but, it’s my humble way to say that you are not alone. I commend you for trying the way you do. You deserve for those 10mins to be less toxic and less draining to you.
Hi Lizzie
I was very moved by reading your words and I think you already have an amazing response that could never come from me, I just felt I wanted to say something to you because Im feeling pretty proud of you right now and think you should hear that.
I didn’t know the “shower thing” was a thing? I have had those many many converations and thoughts at that time and just figured it was me! so like you now I always play music when I shower.
I also do not struggle with borderline personality disorder and im sure that makes things much harder which makes it even more amazing that yesterday you made that decision to turn the music off and make that step to just use positive thoughts and like anything else its a work in progress and it wasnt perfect but you did it!!
The next time you feel you can try, have a go at the techniques that Micro has suggested maybe? its all trial and error but you have this determination to do it and you have the strength.
I am so pleased that you are making this happen for yourself so that you can have those quiet moments because they will be wonderful moments of peace and you deserve nothing less, so keep going Lizzy.
Much Love
Lisa
