First and foremost you are loved, you matter, and you are cared for. Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your life.
I have been somewhat in your shoes. At an early point in my life i abused a number of different substances although my substances of abuse were not opiates. For me it became a way of life at one time.
Going to the ER can really bring you to a very real point in your life where it gets to be a heavy thought process all at once. and not being able to breathe is scary (I’ve been to the hospital for breathing issues. very scary). I am very glad to hear that your breathing is doing better now and that inhalers are helping you breathe well.
It can be a very though provoking thing (for lack of a better phrase) when you are at a point where you have been addicted for so long that your addiction literally lands you in the hospital for a medical issue related to your addiction (been there too, done that, got some nerve damage from an accident). You even said yourself that “luckily it wasn’t anything serious” so this is no where near the end, your body is telling you it’s ok to want to talk to someone instead of keeping it all in and keeping it all inside. You are always worth having someone to talk to or talking to someone, you are worthy of it because you are alive. You are a person who deserves love and affection because you are here. You are worthy of becoming stronger than your addictions and worthy of any and all help you need.
You are talking about how you feel like a different person and you’re not happy much anymore. Are there specific things you can do that still make you happy? For me one thing I was always able to do was some sort of gardening. Even if it was as simple as buying a packet of seeds for $2 from the local hardware store and putting it in an old bucket, or simply listening to music. Is there anything you like to do that still gives you encouragement? Those can be great things to focus on as you reach your 1 day mark (which 24 hours is an awesome accomplishment, every breath you take is an awesome accomplishment). Have you considered journaling about whats going on, making a point to journal the things that you notice that make you happy throughout the day that you didn’t realize made you happy so you can find the joy in the little things so you can go “ah that is what makes me happy, let me focus on that when I feel some need for going back”.
For myself, I wouldn’t go to anyone about having any issues with addictions. I just let it go and let the world pass me by. I ghosted my own self (if that’s possible), i became a husk because all I wanted was to just use my addictive substances and that was all. However, after I had been diagnosed with epilepsy I felt my world crash down and I went to start seeing a therapist.
When I first began to go and talk to my therapist, I wasn’t getting any help for any of my other issues, but it did help me speak more. As you so very intelligently said, “drugs do that… messes up your health” and one way is simply by not letting us talk. As of this post you began your journey on talking, one easy thing to regain your voice is to begin reading books out loud, even if it sounded silly to read to yourself. Or start singing, even if you think it sounds bad, your vocal cords will start getting a warmup and begin to “warm up and tune back in”. This started bringing back my speech abilities. One other thing that seemed to help was making sure I had enough water and proper fluid intake. I never realized just how dehydrated I got because I was a substance abuser. A good nutritionist and other members of a health and wellness team can all help with aspects of these things which can really lead you towards getting a holistic approach to your entire care versus just a unidirectional medical/psychiatric/spiritual care approach.
I can respect and feel your constant struggle and the hopes that this work is the beginning of your journey, I had to have encouragement when first working my way off of the substances I abused. It was through help that I changed, because they love me and told me all those things I didn’t believe were true.
Especially because one wants to use, one doesn’t want to believe it’s true that they are loved and are important. I mean, from my perspective using was a quicker short term out, but it wasn’t the long term solution I needed.
I also know that you are a loved person and a worthy person of the support of everybody here while you work through this. You deserve to be strong through the withdraws, but withdraws can be serious, you need to tell someone that you are having wd’s, wd’s can lead to seizures and other problems. But I’m not here to scare you.
I’m here to love on you, and to tell you, your homegroup is right, you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved, going back out isn’t worth it because once you use you could die the first time.
I’m here to tell you, the struggle is real, but you life is just as real, and you are just as real, and you are eve more loved.
You are worthy of living a full, happy, loving, free, fulfilling, caring, happy, talkative (as you discuss above you want to talk more), a healthy, and everything else you can think of life.
I hope you get encouragement from this post by me sharing my own life as having been in your shoes years ago and having felt that pain, having been there with other addictive substances.
You are loved! You matter! You are cared for!
You are Worthy of healing!