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The struggle is real.. I hope to get better

Hey everyone… so Ive just been struggling a lot with addiction to a mixture to the Opioids and now my health has turned for the worse here… Ive been using Opioids for 2 weeks now and getting sick from them constantly but I just still dont know how to admit to my mom that I was abusing the opioids but I now have run out of them so Im just going to go through all the withdrawals of it… but anyways… My health has turned for the worse so my mom had to take me to the ER today because I was having a hard time breathing and all…

They ran a bunch of tests and everything and luckily it wasnt anything serious… but I still have a hard time breathing and all so they sent me home with inhalers to help me out in breathing … I just have been abusing substance drugs for so long now… that its affected my health…

Ive become a different person Im not that happy much anymore… my voice has changed and its not loud anymore and I just withdraw from things I used to like and so Im different cause of all the drugs Ive been using… its hurt me more than ever from me doing the substance abuse and so I think that my mom did the good thing in taking me in finally to get checked out… the doctors were all worried about me with my breathing problem… drugs do that when you mix the opioids up it messes up your health…

Im home now and all but I just still feel all crappy and still all exhausted and not that well from using so much… I just hope those inhalers help… its been a while since I was last at the ER… Im just grateful they didnt send me away to a psych or anything… but Im now just suffering the consequences of what Ive done now so its a constant struggle…

I struggle cause I still feel like I want to go back out there and use more drugs so its hard… Ive had withdrawals already so its really not that easy… I’ll be a day clean tomorrow so its not been easy at all for me… at all… people who have gotten to know me for a while now they all care and love me and dont want to see me die and they always tell me that… my homegroup tell me they care about me and Im wanted needed and loved and going back out isnt worth it because once I use I could de I may not come back… so its just so hard for me… its a constant struggle for me…

I am doing the best I can to hang in there I am in recovery now and I dont like being sick like this and I just hope to get better soon

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First and foremost you are loved, you matter, and you are cared for. Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your life.

I have been somewhat in your shoes. At an early point in my life i abused a number of different substances although my substances of abuse were not opiates. For me it became a way of life at one time.

Going to the ER can really bring you to a very real point in your life where it gets to be a heavy thought process all at once. and not being able to breathe is scary (I’ve been to the hospital for breathing issues. very scary). I am very glad to hear that your breathing is doing better now and that inhalers are helping you breathe well.

It can be a very though provoking thing (for lack of a better phrase) when you are at a point where you have been addicted for so long that your addiction literally lands you in the hospital for a medical issue related to your addiction (been there too, done that, got some nerve damage from an accident). You even said yourself that “luckily it wasn’t anything serious” so this is no where near the end, your body is telling you it’s ok to want to talk to someone instead of keeping it all in and keeping it all inside. You are always worth having someone to talk to or talking to someone, you are worthy of it because you are alive. You are a person who deserves love and affection because you are here. You are worthy of becoming stronger than your addictions and worthy of any and all help you need.

You are talking about how you feel like a different person and you’re not happy much anymore. Are there specific things you can do that still make you happy? For me one thing I was always able to do was some sort of gardening. Even if it was as simple as buying a packet of seeds for $2 from the local hardware store and putting it in an old bucket, or simply listening to music. Is there anything you like to do that still gives you encouragement? Those can be great things to focus on as you reach your 1 day mark (which 24 hours is an awesome accomplishment, every breath you take is an awesome accomplishment). Have you considered journaling about whats going on, making a point to journal the things that you notice that make you happy throughout the day that you didn’t realize made you happy so you can find the joy in the little things so you can go “ah that is what makes me happy, let me focus on that when I feel some need for going back”.

For myself, I wouldn’t go to anyone about having any issues with addictions. I just let it go and let the world pass me by. I ghosted my own self (if that’s possible), i became a husk because all I wanted was to just use my addictive substances and that was all. However, after I had been diagnosed with epilepsy I felt my world crash down and I went to start seeing a therapist.
When I first began to go and talk to my therapist, I wasn’t getting any help for any of my other issues, but it did help me speak more. As you so very intelligently said, “drugs do that… messes up your health” and one way is simply by not letting us talk. As of this post you began your journey on talking, one easy thing to regain your voice is to begin reading books out loud, even if it sounded silly to read to yourself. Or start singing, even if you think it sounds bad, your vocal cords will start getting a warmup and begin to “warm up and tune back in”. This started bringing back my speech abilities. One other thing that seemed to help was making sure I had enough water and proper fluid intake. I never realized just how dehydrated I got because I was a substance abuser. A good nutritionist and other members of a health and wellness team can all help with aspects of these things which can really lead you towards getting a holistic approach to your entire care versus just a unidirectional medical/psychiatric/spiritual care approach.

I can respect and feel your constant struggle and the hopes that this work is the beginning of your journey, I had to have encouragement when first working my way off of the substances I abused. It was through help that I changed, because they love me and told me all those things I didn’t believe were true.
Especially because one wants to use, one doesn’t want to believe it’s true that they are loved and are important. I mean, from my perspective using was a quicker short term out, but it wasn’t the long term solution I needed.
I also know that you are a loved person and a worthy person of the support of everybody here while you work through this. You deserve to be strong through the withdraws, but withdraws can be serious, you need to tell someone that you are having wd’s, wd’s can lead to seizures and other problems. But I’m not here to scare you.

I’m here to love on you, and to tell you, your homegroup is right, you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved, going back out isn’t worth it because once you use you could die the first time.
I’m here to tell you, the struggle is real, but you life is just as real, and you are just as real, and you are eve more loved.
You are worthy of living a full, happy, loving, free, fulfilling, caring, happy, talkative (as you discuss above you want to talk more), a healthy, and everything else you can think of life.

I hope you get encouragement from this post by me sharing my own life as having been in your shoes years ago and having felt that pain, having been there with other addictive substances.

You are loved! You matter! You are cared for!
You are Worthy of healing!

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Hey @Anonymous2020, how things are going on your end? I’d love to hear some updates from you.

Thinking of you, friend. We’re all proud of you for not giving up. Recovery is a tough process, but you have the strength within you to tame those demons. You are strong. You are brave. You are capable to thrive and change these patterns. Hang in there, bud. We’re in this with you. :hrtlegolove:

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Oh man, sorry your going through this. But hang in there, you are loved and cared about! I used to take some myself, control my dosage for the result I wanted out of myself: be it a quiet night’s sleep or a super productive brain during exams. Eventually you begin to realize that no matter how control or how many you take: you just get worse. So you take more, and feel even worse, its a crazy raccoon you just keep chasing. That feeling of quietness and numbness it gives you, the impression the world is finally standing still… it wont last, its temporary and its goal is to get you trying and keep trying in order to find it again. But each time, every other second you have out of it, will be painful. So that little time of peace or half peace is not worth it anymore. Its not a permanent solution and you got to push through it and get clean in order to find a permanent solution. For the people who care for you, and mostly for yourself, for your own worthy person. I wouldn’t have a pill and just feel bad, then take it and still feel until I needed a higher dose. At some point I realized it was going to be a hell of a circle. I was lucky, ( I used to be a nurse) so i could split my dosage in two, then 1/3 and slowly detach myself. It was hard at first, because I still felt anxious at night but eventually the day time tiredness and fatigue and sickly feeling went away. I’m not perfect now, there are still days I feel like I could use a good pill not to just relax… but I try to push through and eventually the next day, I have a better chance at having a good day because physically I feel better. Going off cold turkey takes guts, I applaud you for that, each day you should celebrate yourself for it. And never forget, you are not alone and don’t need to face it alone. You have friends here and out there. Keep it in mind.
Take care!
V-

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