I’m making this more of a journal post bc I just want to express my thoughts about this.
Just disclaimer bfor we get started I am NOT hating on autism. I am autistic myself so I’m just expressing what I don’t like about having the disorder.
Autism just really kicks me in the butt sometimes. Mainly when it comes to trying to maintain a friendship or relationship. It’s really hard bc it takes so much social skills to be able to do so and sometimes I feel like I just don’t have them.
Me and my friend had a real in depth talk last night. He was bringing some things to my attention. Long story short there were some things I was doing that people weren’t a fan of. Like for instance I was repeatedly over expressing (not sure that’s the right word to say) my feelings in a way that made some people uncomfortable. Ironically enough this isn’t the first time I have had an encounter like this. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy he brought this stuff up to me, but feeling a little uneasy at the same time bc I want to do better. I don’t want to be known as this selfish greedy person that is too sensitive and stuff like that. I want to be better than that.
While my friend told me all that he also validated my perspective on it too he told me he understands that it’s bc of my disability. I’m happy that he realizes that. At the same time tho just bc my disability causes me to be a certain way don’t mean I’m ok with myself being that way. I wish my disability didn’t cause me to be that way. I wish I could recognize body language I wish I could catch every social cue right as they show up. I wish verbal communication wasn’t the only way for me to get the hint. While I appreciate the people who do take the time to verbally communicate to me when I’m doing something wrong or even right for that matter, I wish that wasn’t my only way of understanding.
The absolute reason I hate it is bc it doesn’t just affect me when I’m doing something wrong. It also affects me when I’m doing something right too. Because if i don’t get told that I’m doing a good job or I’m doing a bad job it’s very hard for me to know bc of how much even doing what I feel is right can annoy someone. So sometimes it even takes someone verbally telling me I’m doing a good job for me to really know. If I’m doing something to annoy someone I litterally will not know until they verbally communicate it to me and usually by that time they are so fed up with me that they are done with me. Luckily in this case my friend wasn’t quite done with me, but I still I wish it took more than just verbal communication for me to know like it does for others to know.
I really hate this trait with a passion. Sometimes I wish I didn’t even have autism for this reason. I do my absolute best to be the best person I possibly can to everyone but bc I have this trait sometimes my best just isn’t enough. I appreciate the people who do see the good in me through this trait, but the thing is not alot of people do. Sometimes I feel like a good person trapped in a selfish persons body. I want to understand I want to do better but sometimes it’s really hard for me bc of my disability.
You definitely do the challenges that people with these disabilities have to face are real. The biggest thing that I’m scared of is this impacting my friendship as it has bfor with previous friendships.
Hallos! First of all, Autism shouldn’t be called a disability should be called a different ability. As people have their advantages and disadvantages of life. autism can be incredible. To prove people with autism can do amazing stuff look at Elon Musk, and Mozart they both had autism both are extremely successful. Body language can be easy to understand once you learn it well. A good way is if they clunch their fists and their facial expressions slowly get more and more annoyed.
Hey again, Andy! I know this is basically just you ranting and I hope just posting this helped you feel better but I have some thoughts that I thought may help
I know the struggle of wishing you were better with social cues. I’m not autistic (at least not diagnosed) but I am also terrible at this. Whenever I talk about something I’m awkward about my mom or dad will say “It’s not just you. We all have these moments” And while I think that is them not fully understanding the struggle some people honestly go through it is helpful sometimes to remember that everyone is sometimes more awkward than they might let on. I know that you do have this disability and it definitely makes things worse but I guess what I’m trying to say is that even if they are different things I feel like everyone has a struggle that they deal with in social situations. Just looking at this wall (or reddit where I practically live ) there are so many people talking about social situations where they felt inadequate at knowing what to do or the correct path.
I went to a work party last week and dragged a friend along for moral support. I kept asking him what we were supposed to be doing and he was helping me try to be social and become part of conversations. It never worked and any time we engaged the person said they would be back and then went off and joined another group. That was just a quick story to say I know the struggle of hating not knowing what to do in social situations and wishing I inherently did. We are lucky, though. We have friends who care and support us. We have friends who understand our desire to fit in and will help us get there. It’s not the same as just being able to do it or just knowing but since that isn’t an option it is still really nice to have that.
I also agree with Slayer. You get to see the world in a way that most people don’t and that is indeed a gift. Being “normal” has always seemed overrated to me. I always tell people the highest compliment I can ever give them is to call them “weird” because being weird and unique make you interesting. They make you you and that is always a good thing. I know you worry about this affecting your friendships but some people just cannot handle awesome and unique people and that’s their loss. Hopefully your friends know what a treasure it is to be able to count you as their friend.
Good luck and keep being your awesome, unique, and weird self
This reply means so much to me. Growing up my grandma taught me that there is absolutely no such thing as “normal people” and everyone is weird in their own way. That’s the motto I have been living by for years. I’m just all about accepting people for who they are (no matter their race, religion, disabilities etc.) so it makes me really sad to see that not many other people are like that… Just imagine what the world would be like if more people were like me.
Hey @Andy. I’m also on the spectrum and am currently struggling immensely with emotional and social cues. Your post is extremely relatable, and I often feel / wish the same things you expressed. It’s not an easy world to navigate I’m there with you, friend. I don’t have much advice to offer, but just know that you’re not alone
I know this is basically just you ranting and I hope just posting this helped you feel better but I have some thoughts that I thought may help 
) there are so many people talking about social situations where they felt inadequate at knowing what to do or the correct path.
I’m there with you, friend. I don’t have much advice to offer, but just know that you’re not alone 