@smellytastycheese Really, thank you for responding. It means a lot to me. Sincerely.
The list could go on and on.
I have no doubt that the list could be endless. It’s based on how you feel, and I can surely see all the doubts, fears, guilt and shame that are crippling you. I guess, when we’re hurting or just lost, it’s really tempting to validate how we feel about ourselves by seeking “real” reasons. And we can surely paint everything in black when we feel like our entire life, ourselves, are all about pain and negativity.
The list you just shared is really heavy. It is, indeed, a huge burden for only one person to carry on their shoulders. I can’t say that I am in your shoes right now, and our stories are, of course, not the same. But I surely felt how you feel. It was just for different reasons. This explosion of self-bashing and guilt because I’d be hurting… that’s very relatable to me. Not mentioning the uncertainty around the idea of reaching out because it’s freaking scary to do it, it’s scary to be vulnerable and share our thoughts. That’s also why I’m very grateful to you to keep going through this thoughts, somehow, at least by sharing them. It may not feel like it makes a big difference right now, but I can assure you that it’s really important.
So, I don’t want to enter in any kind of “contradiction mode” because I really don’t want you to think that I’d be ignoring what you say or using a huge sign saying “you’re wrong” - that’s really not my intention. But I’d like to respond to each of the things you said, just because it’s important to have different perspectives regarding how you see yourself. And that’s actually why this community exists. To share different perspectives and experiences.
How you feel is valid. Absolutely, entirely valid. It has reasons to be. But it doesn’t mean that how you feel would reveal some truths about yourself. I’m aware that we don’t know each other, but I truly think that you are a lot more that what you may think about yourself right now. And when I say “a lot more”, I mean aspects of you that are really different and more positive. But you may be surrounded by circumstances and/or people that doesn’t allow you to see it. Which is I guess, something that we all face from time to time.
It’s my fault if I’ve been feeling how I’ve been feeling. I’m just not doing what I’m supposed to do.
First of all, there is no fault or guilt in feeling, friend. It’s part of what makes you human and unique. Whether those feelings are “good” or “bad” to you, they are, before anything, only feelings. Maybe it’s not how you’d like to feel, maybe how you feel is absolutely rejected and ignored by the people around you. But it doesn’t mean you are wrong. No matter how you feel, there’s no judgment to have. It just reveals how you are right here and right now, in the present moment, and that’s absolutely okay.
If in your surroundings people are not accepting how you feel, then they’re wrong. If they are pushing you to feel differently because it doesn’t fit to their standards or expectations, then they’re wrong. And what is sure is: you are not wrong. I have no doubt that if you could chose between feeling okay or not, you’d pick the first option.
Now, when you say “I’m just not doing what I’m supposed to do”, I personally hear that you’re not where you want to be in your life. And as frustrating as this feeling can be, this can also be turned into something positive and healthy for yourself. A first awareness to take some practical steps towards the life you want to build for yourself. If doing what you’re supposed to do is about what you’re expecting of yourself, then may I ask what you’re supposed to do right now? What’s not satisfying/what’s frustrating/holding you back in your life?
It’s my fault if I’m treated like a shit. Other people could never do anything wrong. I’m a shit so that’s why people are allowed to treat me badly.
I want to really push this thought back. I get why you’re tempted to blame yourself for others behavior. It gives you a reason for why people are just mean and stupid sometimes. But: no. It’s not your fault. How people treat you reveals their character, not yours. If you were treated badly, it’s others fault and responsability. Because everytime they interact with you, they have two choices: being respectful or not. Ultimately, it’s their decision, whether it’s conscious or not. And their attitude doesn’t say anything about you.
I’ve been treated very poorly by people in my life. I’ve been used, emotionally and physically. And I felt for a long time that I deserved all of it, that I deserve to be used by others. But that’s not true. No one deserves to be treated badly. Absolutely no one. Other people can be wrong because they’re just humans like you and me. They have flaws, imperfections, they have doubts, fears, insecurities that can be reflected on their actions. No one is perfect. But when you’re treated badly, the person who’s wrong is not you. It’s the one who’s hurting you.
It’s my fault if I write things that don’t mean anything and end up bothering other people because they must not know what to tell me.
Well I’m sorry in that case I’m certainly a little talkative! (Sorry if this response is long by the way!)
I think what you mean makes sense, and even if it doesn’t, there’s always a possibility to discuss and create some mutual understanding. You don’t have to know all the answers before you express yourself. You have the right to let your feelings out just how it is, without any expectations or structure. I can assure you that no one judges you here in this forum. You are always allowed to let your thoughts out just how it is. I know I mentioned the forum guidelines the last time we discussed - and again it’s okay/I hope you don’t feel guilty for that. And it’s totally okay if you need to take your time to get used to this possibility.
It’s my fault if I waste their time. Nothing I say makes sense.
Again, I’m aware that we don’t really know each other, but I hope you’ll give me the benefit of the doubt here. Even just 0,1% of your trust is something. A gift that I’d never take for granted. So I hope you’ll trust me when I say that you absolutely don’t waste my time - or anyone’s time here. Even if you feel differently, it’s okay. Even if it’s hard to believe me, it’s okay too. I understand that it takes time to trust others. Really. I’m quite an expert in deleting the things I’d do or say when I reach out or share something personal. It’s uncomfortable to do that. But this place is safe, and everytime you fight against those lies that are holding you back, then it’s a success, friend.
It’s my fault if I’m staying here when I don’t even know how I feel about writing posts here anymore.
I’m personally glad you are here. Even if you don’t know how you feel about it, somehow it’s certainly better than isolating yourself and letting yourself drowned by all of these overwhelming thoughts. You’re not alone. I hope you know that.