Hi I’m new in here, I would like to share to you how unlovable I am. When I was young I’m always lacking of love from my Grandparents. I was the so called “ugly duckling” by the family. They made me their servant to serve them everyday. I feel so jealous with my cousins they get what I want most, and that is my grandparents love and care. But despite of being unloved by them, my parents still showered me more love. But I hate to admit that it’s not enough cause everytime my cousins visit the house of my grandparents I can see joy in there eyes while mine is sadness. I stayed there for about 10 years in their house getting them serve everyday. When I was living there I feel pity for myself. They make me eat delicious food when it already spoil. I am raised lacking of self confidence,depressed and unloved what else would you get when they keeping you down everyday? I’m 18 now and I am no longer staying at that hell place they called home. I removed myself from toxic people and yet I’m still a suicidal person. I am Mentally and Spiritually drain.How to get through this? You may find this as the another version of Cinderella but yeah I just wanna leave it in here. This makes my depression lighter now. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing and being here.
When I was young I’m always lacking of love from my Grandparents. I was the so called “ugly duckling” by the family. They made me their servant to serve them everyday. I feel so jealous with my cousins they get what I want most, and that is my grandparents love and care.
I’m proud of you of sharing this. I don’t know if you already had the occasion to talk about this with anyone before. But know that the Support Wall is a safe place and you can always come here anytime you need. I personally relate to some of the things you described. I grew up with an abusive parent and have been humiliated many times for no obvious reason. Like you, I still received love from other people in my family, such as my other parent. But as the humiliations were particularly violent, I grew up divided between mixed attitudes/messages that I was receiving, and I ended to be very depressed as a young adult.
As we grow up, we learn to know how the world is, what love is, what family is. It makes sense to be impacted by what happened to you during your childhood. Somehow, this kind of environment shapes us as a person. But it doesn’t shape us entirely, nor what our life can be. There is hope, friend. Your life hasn’t been taken away from you.
I stayed there for about 10 years in their house getting them serve everyday. When I was living there I feel pity for myself. They make me eat delicious food when it already spoil. I am raised lacking of self confidence,depressed and unloved what else would you get when they keeping you down everyday?
That is such a long time… I don’t know if anyone told you that already, and I’m aware that we’re just strangers, but I’m really sorry for what your grandparents did to you. It’s humiliating, unfair, abusive. That shouldn’t have happened. And I’m truly sorry you had to go through this at such a young age.
The way you’re writing, the perspective you’re having about your childhood now is really important. You’re able to step away from it so you can actually talk about it, share about what happened. This is a really, really important step. It reminds me of a book about the process of resilience, and I’d like to share the following quote with you (translated approximately, as it’s originally in french):
“When pain is too intense, we are subject to its perception. We suffer. But from the moment we step back, as soon as we can make it a theatrical performance, the misery becomes bearable or, even more, the memory of our misery is transformed.”
By reading your post, I feel like that’s where you are. You did something awesome by leaving this place and staying away from toxic relationships. It’s needed to have a fresh start and heal. You objectively know that you have reasons for feeling how you feel right now, also for dealing with suicidal thoughts. As you said, you have been drained. And it’s uncomfortable. But it doesn’t mean you are empty of life, or that your inner spark would be lost. You’re still living, breathing, existing. But it seems that you are also processing. And it takes time to do that. To think about what you’ve been through now as an adult, and not only as the child you were.
How to get through this?
It’s only my opinion, but I think as human beings we have needs that has to be fulfilled. Which are being loved, cared for and supported, especially when we’re vulnerable. Giving a try to therapy can also be a good start. First, because it will allow you to talk about what happened to you. To finally express all of this in a safe environment. But also to develop solid foundations that will help you to heal. Such as learning how to deal with the negative or dark thoughts that can arise sometimes. Or how to push away the lies you could believe about yourself.
Besides the sharing part, healing also comes through practical actions. Which are making the choices in your life that remains healthy to you. As you mentioned for example: staying away from toxic people. This is a huge victory. But on the other side, learning to trust those who sincerely care about you, progressively, will be needed at some point. Also reflecting on yourself and finding what you want to do in your life. What passions, dreams, goals you have. It’s been several years that I’ve been feeling like a blank page myself. Like you, I started to process what happened to me and I can now clearly identify the steps I’ve been taking for a few years. Sometimes it’s really hard. It’s not a straight path. Because sometimes I feel some really deep emotions and I feel stuck, like I was as a little girl. But with time, you realize that this is not meant to last, and to keep going on is absolutely worth it.
It’s not always easy to make the right choices though. Our mind can be tricky sometimes. We can be tempted to dive into the lies we believe about ourselves, or what we’ve been told before. When you’ve been treated badly, repeatedly, it gives you a representation of yourself which can be hard to overcome. But it is possible. And even if it’s scary sometimes to actually take care of yourself, I’d like to encourage you to follow your intuition, your heart, and not those thoughts that are threats to your life. Your life is precious. You matter. I believe in you and your capacity to heal from your past, progressively, and let something beautiful grow from this dry soil that you didn’t ask for.
Going through this also means gathering all the healthy resources you can. It can be calling a crisis line or a friend when you feel highly vulnerable. It can be creating healthy habits in regards of your sleeping schedules, eating habits, the physical environment you are living in, etc. Those are essential needs that we have to maintain in order to feel better.
You are not unlovable, friend. You are so loved already. Maybe your grandparents didn’t see you truly. Maybe they were also battling with their own demons. But one thing is sure: what happened was not your fault, never. It was not about you. It was not about your cousins either. It was the responsibility of your grandparents. What they did was wrong. You didn’t deserve any of this. You don’t deserve any harm. From them, from anyone.
I like to share some videos from the HS Youtube channel sometimes. And I feel like this one could be of a great encouragement for you as you’re walking on a new healing path:
You are strong. You are brave. Keep growing, keep shining, keep reaching out when you need it.
Right now, you are beautiful just as you are. What you’ve been through will never change that.
Hey friend, I was raised in a really broken family and toxic environment too. Often where favoritism took place. While our situation is a little different there were things that I could relate to and understand.
I’m glad that you were able to get away from there. But I’m sorry that you’re still facing some dark thoughts.
We have a great community here where you can connect with us and talk with other people who can probably relate to some of what you have shared. We’re all a community family here. Sometimes it’s nice just to have a place to be where people can understand and even if they don’t fully understand, it’s still nice to be in a place of no judgement and where everyone is trying to support one another. You can join our discord here: https://discord.gg/7FMjVk
Maybe you can catch one of the live streams some time. Dan and Casey are incredible dudes who host the live streams. constantly encouraging the community and making us feel loved. You’re always welcome to participate with us.
Thank you so much! I am glad that you read my story.