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The wars within

There are times that I have wondered what I would do if I lost a limb or was physically damaged. I sometimes feel like I would be better off that way than being whole on the outside and being damage on the inside. I just want to help others, but it hurts me at times. I have gone through things no one should ever have to experience. I don’t want people to go through those. I’m afraid that if one of the people I am helping offs themselves, I might do the same as them, or I would try even harder to help others in that position. Either way, it would destroy me. How does one come back from the edge of darkness?

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Hi Friend,
i know how you feel right now.
Im dealing with depression and anxiety in many forms right know, harder than ever.
You dont see the damage on the inside with your eyes. A lost limb or something, you see isnt
there.

I don’t know what you experienced, what you are going through.
Always helping others, try to be there for them and doing everything you can. i do the same.

since a few days im learning to speak about my struggles with friends, even people who know me
rarely. Open up about my feelings, my inside thoughts and my anxiety. I have lots of anxiety right know,
i cry a lot and only think negative about everything. I have eaten up all shit on the inside my whole life, never talked about it.
My time alone hat made me feel lonely.

Focus an try to see good things around you, speak about that with your Friends, Family or even the
people here. See how they respond to you and accept the help they offer.
I am learning this also right now.

I hope my words help you a bit. You made me come out of my shell today, posting in a forum for the
first time, even if its anonymous. I also have to thank you right now.
I hope my english is good enough.

Have a nice day my Friend. Youre a good person and you are not alone.

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Than you. I just find it hard to share something with those that have lived with you for most of your life

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I feel like it’s coming back again. I feel so lonely, even in the company of friends and family. I just don’t feel like I belong with society.

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Hey @Slayer5639,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I can assure you that we see you in this community and we care about you.

Feeling like you don’t belong and are some kind of outcast is something that you’ve often brought up on Discord as well. A difficult past to overcome, one that you seem to be carrying with a lot of remorse and/or shame. I understand how that feels, even though our stories are different of course. I’ve been in this position of feeling completely drown by the perception I have of myself, of not belonging. It’s a heavy burden but to feel completely separated from others because we feel ugly, different, wrong.

I would like to invite you to share here what this shame that you feel is about. You have spent some time now on the Wall and in this community. You know how it works. You know that people genuinely care for one another here, and judging someone’s actions or thoughts is not part of the culture we defend here.

This is an invitation for you to share all the things to share what you might be afraid to say, all the things that you think about your self, or about your past, that make you feel like you don’t belong. I believe that this is a huge part of how you’ve been feeling for a long time. I would like for you to give yourself a chance to break down this wall of shame. You are in a safe space here to do so. I see you. I hear you. I’m willing with many others here to help you take steps that are healthy for you.

Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

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Update: I have removed all the blades from my room and put them outside. No longer close by.

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Hi Slayer,

I have seen your posts in the discord as well & I want you to know how heckin’ proud I am of you. You have overcome a lot of things lately & that’s not a small feat. I think that society puts more emphasis on things & overlooks other things as well. I believe that this can be applied to mental health vs. physical health. We all struggle with someone & sometimes it cannot be seen but it is definitely felt. I know that you want to help others, that is abundantly clear with how you reply to people on here as well as in discord.

Keep on fighting, because you are truly a fighter. Thank you for being a part of this world. Thank you for being you. You are wonderful. You are strong. You are valid. You are worthy. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Know that you are valued and respected in the Heart Support community. I’m proud of you for removing the blades from your room, I know from personal experience how hard that was to do. How did that make you feel? It’s been three days since you posted your update and I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. ~Mystrose

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From: AlexisPlushie

I am proud of you that you removed the sharp objects from your room that is a huge step, I am so proud of you. I know you talk to me sometimes when I am in a rough place but just know that I’d never off myself and now that because you have said this I might add you as one of the reasons to live on my safety plan. You are so strong and helpful, keep it up you got this! <3

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Slayer Thank you for adding to your post and thank you for removing all your sharp objects, Im proud of you and I am thankful for you. I understand your ideas of what having a physical disability would be like over a mental one as it would be so much easier for people to understand and accept but I am sure each come with a different and unpleasant set of difficulties that we would not want. Mental health is hard to explain to people that dont have experiences with it of course. You do a wonderful job here helping people and supporting them in their times of hardship and that is why I am so happy to be able to do the same for you. You do belong is society, you belong in here with us, you are also part of our swat 2 family and that is very important. I hope you continue to progress and use us as a crutch if you find it difficult, we are all here for you. You truly do matter. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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How’re you going? If I haven’t expressed how proud of you I am already. Then I’m going to keep reminding you that I am!

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So far, life has been more pleasant and enjoyable. I just feel lighter. And calmer. But the urge to cut still remains, but it is quite faint. I just want to find something to replace that urge or desire.

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That’s so great to hear that it’s been lighter for you. What can we do to support you and think of things to help you through when you have that urge?
Are there certain things that have helped before and certain things that don’t?
I recently read that different reactions work better for different feelings and moments

For example if you’re feeling angry or frustrated things like exercise, boxing, running, shouting, ripping up paper ect

When you’re feeling sad or in fear to wrap yourself in a blanket or listen to soothing music. Let yourself cry and massage your hands. Doing breathing ect.

If you feel like you’re losing control, then cleaning, writing lists, focusing on different muscles and clenching then relaxing them.

If you’re feeling self hatred, let that part of you write a letter and then respond to that letter with compassion and kindness. Like you would to a friend or someone on the wall. Let that part express itself maybe through art, but then always respond back with love and kindness.

The longer we allow time to pass in between the urge and the action, it gets easier to break.
You are amazing

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I’m almost thinking of using the harmful urges and using them to do something productive. Use the fire to fuel my actions

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If the fire doesn’t consume me first

I feel like I am running out of steam. Running out of energy. I’m just so tired of it all. All the chaos, all the death, all the suffering. I don’t want to hear it anymore. But I know that is impossible.

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A week. All it took was a week for things to start to spiral. Now I feel like I’m just trying to survive now. No longer a fighting force, but the last remains of resistance. Sometimes I feel like I enjoy the pain I cause to myself. Maybe this is what I am. Just pain, suffering, and misery. I know I can’t bring myself to end it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I hate my life.

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It’s been such a hard journey for you lately, Slayer. I see how much you’re hurting, and despite that I’ve seen you offering support to people too. I want to thank you for that, it’s very kind. I’m really glad you’re here. :heart:

I hope you know that you are not alone in your fight. I’ve been in places similar to where I think you are right now, on and off throughout my life. Last year there were times when I had to call hotlines for my own safety, to make sure I wouldn’t do anything dangerous, and in my darkest moments I fully believed that I wouldn’t make it to see this year. Looking back, I’m scared of how close I was to losing everything. In those moments I felt like I had no more energy left to fight at all, like I was swallowed whole by a darkness I had no hope of escaping. With help I made it out, and I am so unbelievably grateful for that.

You will always have our support, we care about you so much. We want to help you to find a way out of the dark place you’re in too. Maybe you have some ideas of what you need already, or even some ideas of what could make things just a little bit easier. Whatever level you’re ready for, I want to try to help you through it. Do you have any ideas?

I’ll be here if you want to talk about anything else too, friend. Hold fast, I know you can beat this. :heart:

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How do I beat myself. I know I can’t do it alone. But I don’t know how to ask my parents for help. I just don’t know how.

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It’s okay not to know how, we can learn how to do anything with enough time. You’re already doing so great, it’s not easy to make it as far as you have.

Maybe it’ll help to work through it one bit at a time. What do you think is the biggest thing holding you back from telling your parents?

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