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The wars within

I’m afraid of what it will do to the relationship we have, the trust that they have in me. It will break it. They ask me how I am doing and I keep on telling them that I am doing good when I am not. When they see that something is bothering me and ask me what is wrong, I tell them that it’s nothing when in reality it is major.

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What you’re saying here is valid, it’s understandable that you have these worries. It’s actually very likely that your parents have gone through similar things, that they’ve personally struggled with finding the courage to share things like this even when it seemed like the best option. I think they’d understand why you found it hard to tell the truth.

We’ve talked before about how you don’t want to damage the image they have of you in their minds, and how telling them the truth would certainly do that. They’re adults, aren’t they capable of understanding you as a complex whole with many parts? All of the things that they love about you will still be there, and they’ll still love you just as much.

Do you trust them? If you gave them your letter do you think they would do anything to hurt you, or would they do all they could to help?

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I know that they would do everything they could to help me, but they have more important issues to take care of and deal with. My father has heart problems, my mom has hip problems, and are in their senior years. They already have enough to worry about. I don’t want to add more to that.

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From our conversations it sounds to me like your life is on the line some days. Your well-being really matters. They signed up to be here for you and I know that’s what they would want to do, without a doubt. Don’t they get to choose how they prioritise the things in their life?

Don’t underestimate them, they can handle this. Pay attention to how you’re feeling – what’s holding you back from giving them your letter right now?

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Neither of us are at home. They are away on vacation, me and my sister are at my brothers house while our parents are on vacation. And I don’t want to give it to them right as soon as they get back. I don’t want to ruin the mood.

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Well, that’s fair enough! Could you give the letter to your brother, or tell him what’s going on? I think the big thing is letting someone know, as soon as you can. Then it starts you getting help and starts things getting better for you. :heart:

There will never, ever be a good time. You just have to get over this hump, let somebody know that you need help, and that hard part will be over. I promise that things get better from there.

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Everyone else is asleep. I’m the only one awake.

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Would you consider it in the morning?

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I don’t know. I just don’t want to ruin another thing.

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It’s okay to take it at your pace, you still have my support. :heart:

It didn’t ruin anything when I let my family know what I was going through. They knew something was wrong already, they were just glad that I was finally opening up to them and letting them help me. It was a relief to them and to me. I think it might be the same for your family too. Things can start to get better, much better, but it has to start with you. The time between now and then won’t change much, it’ll just be hard for longer than it has to be. I hope you’ll take that step soon. :heart:

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I hope so too… before it gets too difficult for anyone to help with.

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It seems that no matter how far I run, no matter how hard I try, it will always come back. It happened again on the 25th. I only made it one week without SH. I don’t know why, but I almost feel like I don’t want to stop. Like I want to embrace it. It’s both so easy and so hard not to SH. I just want to make peace with myself. If that means accepting the fact that I will SH, then so be it. I just want to be me.

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Currently on one and a half weeks cut free so far, and I hope that I am able to make it to one month, but sometimes fate has a cruel sense of humor.

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The pain in my arm doesn’t help with this. It seems to make it stronger. I feel sick thinking about self harm, but at the same time I feel like it is deserved.

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I’m sorry, but there was a relapse a few days ago. I cut a couple times, but I still felt miserable. I just feel so lost at times, with no light in this prison cell.

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Hey @Slayer5639,

You don’t need to apologize for this. It’s okay, even though I know it hurts and bring so many deep, raw emotions at the same time.

I remember that we’ve discussed about the possibility to share your letter to your parents in case things would get worse, in case of a relapse. How do you feel about this possibility again?

Self-harm is a type of addiction - it follows addictive patterns and mechanisms. It can be hard to get out of it just by ourselves. It doesn’t make you a failure or weak in any way, it’s just how these battles are sometimes. Objectively hard, as it’s about creating new pathways in our brain, developing different habits and addressing the things that are causing us harm in the first place. It’s okay to ask for help, @Slayer5639. You don’t have to face this battle alone.

I’m sorry. It seems that the longer I go without self harming myself, the harder and easier it is to not cut. Because things are in a delicate balance. I’m afraid that balance is shifting the wrong way