I wish I could turn back the clock.
I know 24 isn’t that old but I feel it today. In the past year I grew up a lot . On one hand, I like myself more, feel stronger and have a higher tolerance for people. On the other, the world just feels colder.
This past year brought an abusive relationship, a father who told me he thinks I’m trash or that will never make it , and working as a stripper (my family does not know about this). I’m still in a lot of grief but I’m getting on a better path…but I also wish I could go back in time to when I was a naive girl with a bright shining light…a light that feels a bit dimmed from everything I’ve been learning.
The man I was with was 12 years older…my first love. A man who went through a lot of pain and took that anger out on me. I still love him. I wonder now if older men seek our younger women when they have that bright, undamaged light…where they haven’t seen too much in life…to feel that warm spirit of youth again. Maybe I ll never know.
I’m tempted to call him. He is my drug. It’s hard to move on. I wish I could go back to who I was before. That naive girl
I understand how you feel. As though you are lost, in a swirling sea, and the shore is just out of reach.
you say your light has dimmed, but the important thing to note is that it has not gone out, your light still shines, but it is going through a metamorphosis. it is changing with you. it probably feels like this light will go out, but trust me, it will only get brighter. maybe it wont be the same light as you once had, but it will be a new light. it will be reborn, and become brighter and warmer as you heal. the healing process is long, but it is so important to finding happiness.
my advice for you is this: go back to your routes. go back to the basics of what makes you you. start small, maybe doing one thing you really enjoy a day. help others. spread your story, spread your love, and focus on happiness. dont call him. please, please, please, do not. you do not deserve to be an outlet for another person’s pain. at the end of the day, it sucks that they are hurting, but it is worse that they are hurting you. you must put yourself first. you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of another, because when it comes down to it, two broken souls can only break each other more.
maybe you dont agree with me, and that’s fine. i only want to help you. remember you are strong. man, you are so fucking strong to go through what you have. you are so strong to lay your love on the line and face pain for the way you feel. you are worth the world, and even though i dont know you, i know that i love you. i know that you are strong; that you will follow where life takes you, and i know that you will get through this. good luck, and i love you.