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The world is reinforcing how I feel

For the longest time I have hated myself. I have been repeating the mantra “I hate myself” out loud weekly, or even daily sometimes, for years. It is usually over stupid things, the kinds of things no one else remembers if they even noticed at all, but I can’t let the thought of them go. I usually swallow it and move up, plow through, just bury it and continue because part of me does realize that I have it pretty good. I mean my life is no rose bed but I get by without significant struggles and I am grateful for it and it usually grounds my thoughts for a time. Lately it has been harder though.

I have been working the same job for 9 years. My opinion has always been asked, my input heard, my suggestions considered, and I feel good knowing I contribute. Over the past two years we have struggled. We made mistakes that hurt business and I being on the customer service side took a lot of flak for an inferior product that I didn’t make but was expected to support and sell. But that is customer service so as usual I grit my teeth and plow through it. No sense looking back, can’t change that, so look forward, deal with things as they come, and try to make things better. I hate myself, it sucks, but so what, that is not entirely new. Except this time things haven’t bounced back.

After about a year of struggling to keep up with the increased support calls they finally hired someone to help, and then finally fixed the product. It took a year for it to happen and in that time my opinion was no longer heard, and my suggestions were not considered simply because they came from me. When another coworker voiced the same opinion to support me he got praised for the idea. But so what, at least the company moves forward. I hate myself. So do they I suppose, but at least we all move forward.

Now things are fixed, work is mostly back to normal, and we still have that guy we hired that I trained. My boss tells me that he is moving me to a completely different department, no longer dealing with the product, and the new guy is taking over for me. There were complaints about me. No one told me before, I have no idea what the complaints were about. There were also had people questioning what it is I even do, what I have been contributing. I have been here 9 years and now they think I do nothing. He even suggested that maybe it is just not the job for me, and if I wanted to advance perhaps there were opportunities outside the company. I hate myself, and so do they.

So for the past several months I have been in this completely different department. They are stuck in their ways, a much smaller group, and don’t want my opinion. I have very little to contribute because they didn’t really need my anyway. I used to love it here, now I feel like I am doing nothing too. So on the side I am applying to any sort of related job in the area. I don’t have high expectations, I want to at least get the same pay or maybe a little more. I have years of experience to back it. There are tons of jobs in the area and I have been on multiple interviews. Not a single one seems to be taking me seriously, either offering very low entry level pay or taking weeks or months to respond and tell me they are going with someone else. Turns out I have nothing to contribute anywhere else either.

I know I am going on a bit, sorry for the long post. There are other things I struggle with but usually I grit my teeth and things bounce back. There are good days and bad days and they come in waves. But lately, for the past two years about, its not been waves so much as the tide is just rising and rising. I never really worked up the nerve to post here because usually I grit my teeth and wait it out and eventually some reprieve comes. Its been a long time coming and I don’t see it on the horizon, so you guys get a wall of text instead.

Hey @svladcjelli, thank you for coming here and reaching out :heart: I hope it made you feel better to get it out

Firstly I’m so sorry about your work, I can’t believe they’d do that! After nearly a decade of service it’s inexcusable that they would treat you that way. Withholding feedback, gossiping and then punishing you for issues you were never given the opportunity to resolve… And for him to say that it might not have been the right job for you, after nine years! It’s equal parts baffling and infuriating, and friend, these people don’t deserve to define your worth. They obviously have no concept of what your value is, they have no idea how much you’ve done for them or how much you matter.

I struggle with recurring thoughts too friend, particularly on bad days. Life can already be so terribly painful, it’s heartbreaking that it can turn us on ourselves too. It’s so hard to do, but I try my best to always be on my team. After I’ve recited my negative mantras, I gently challenge them and then try to keep moving. They say that you become what you do. If that resonates, I hope practicing this might help you like it helped me :heart:

Two years is such a long time to be going through this, and I’d hate to think you’re doing it alone. Is there anyone you could speak to, professionally or otherwise? I think they could really help you, and I think that a lot of people really want to help you. Us included! :slight_smile:

I see your value friend, stay strong :heart:
I’m here if you wanna talk more