Do Second Chance. So. Good.
Shinedown is my favorite band. They are phenomenal live couldn’t recommend seeing them more strongly they absolutely love what they do and the crowd they exude energy like no other.
This was very well worded. PTSD is awful and feels like being trapped in a cage you can’t escape that consumes every aspect of life. There’s a point where the pain becomes numb and the thoughts of a 45 no longer matter. I call it the dark. It’s past pain and it’s the most dangerous place to be.
When I was at my lowest, I begged my wife to leave me because I didn’t feel deserving of such an amazing woman but ultimately don’t feel deserving of love. I feel that I’m a ghost watching my life from the outside. I just want to live and be happy, not stuck in this rut of every single day being the same. My wife is an angel, in 30 years has never raised her voice to me, has never taken my bait to fight with me so I could push her away.
My heart goes out to you,
When I was 10, my 16 year old sister tried offering me money to let her kill herself. She had asked me for help opening a bottle of pills and I realized what she was trying to do.. I took them away as she pleaded with me to let her. I was unable to call for help, as she wouldn't let me use the phone. Fortunately, her friend called the police. I was so confused, dumbfounded and utterly emotionally destroyed as I watched my mom and older sister arrive home just as the EMTs were loading her in the ambulance. They pulled me out of class the next day to speak to a counselor they had come in from the high school.
Fast forward 24 years. My best friend since 3rd grade shot himself in the head with a .30-06 rifle on his 25th birthday. Horrifyingly, he was discovered by his i5 year old son. Well, that f'n broke me. News of my first child being conceived came soon after,. The due date was not only my best friends birthdate, but also his day of death. I thought the birth of a child would lift me up from my despair, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It completely gutted my personality and left me a shell of my former self. I was an outgoing, fun loving, people person with many good friends. I turned inward, literally pushed all my friends away and dove deep into a decade long Opiate addiction that robbed me of my life and loved ones, and robbed my now 2 kids of a mentally present father. I just worked myself to death and was trapped inside my own mind when I was at home. I finally got the courage and the will to kick the addiction, but the damage was done, and I'm still picking up the pieces. I am now 46, and yet I'm still haunted by memories of a life that ended to early. He had the most amazing, boyish, infectious laugh that I can still hear today, and from the outside, one would think he had everything going for him. He was extremely handsome, charming, caring, pretty much had all the qualities most people would be thrilled to even have a couple of. Women swooned like you wouldn’t believe, he had a wonderful adoptive mother many good friends and fairly well off financially. I looked up to him, I admired and admittedly envied him and every way. When he gave up, it scared the sh*t out of me. If someone that I wished I could emulate, at times wished I could Freaky Friday his life for mine, thought life wasn't worth living, then what the actual f**& shot did I have.
Now, as I type this, I feel like I'm once again on the precipice of disaster. Life has been brutally hard on my family the last three and a half years, Almost on a weekly basis, my loved ones, my whole reason for waking up in the morning mention suicide as a viable alternative to the hand we've been dealt. To do this, especially knowing how my life has been seriously affected from suicide, is absolutely, unfathomably, tearing me apart. My oldest is 20, and MTF Transgendered, and is starting to scare me as well. She is really struggling, and no matter how supportive we are, it's just not enough. The fact that she is statistically far more likely to commit suicide leaves little time for my mind to rest...
I apologize for the longwinded novella, dang ADHD lol. but if you made it this far, first I commend you for your patience, then I would like to implore you or anyone who has or may think of suicide as the only way out, please, please, take the time to reflect on what that choice would do to those you love. It has rippling, crippling effect that can literally infect and follow them and those they love for decades.. Ask me how I know... I wish you all the best, and remember the wise words of Tupac, "Gotta Keep your Head UP". 💯❤
It’s hard to talk about how I am feeling cuz there’s way too much, and it’s way too complicated. Just that I’m a stop lossed for a whole year OIF vet and someone from my hometown died from my unit. He was one of three from here. A truck hit him that was made in our hometown and killed him on base. He’s buried within eyesight of my birth house. On a monument in my childhood neighborhood, of which my daughter happens to live in now with her mom and step dad and shit. I hate living in this city, like I feel sort of rocked to the core, to my birth, cursed. I came home from Iraq on the 4th of July 2005. When I got back he died before I could tell him about my trip. I just swallowed it and took ied hits on my missions. Fast forward a few years and a gf at the time told me I should have died in Iraq. I was stunned. Fast forward few more years and I was having a girl with a new girlfriend. I made a promise to myself to be a good dad and be there for her. Not a truck driver or something. Her mom didn’t understand me and left me. I’ve felt hopeless losing out on first memories and having that bond of always living together and being a family.
Then some lady rear ends me and now I have cervical spinal stenosis and got fired and I’m living on va disability. My sister argued with my mom and there’s no Thanksgiving this year apparently. My daughters mom told me today she has covid so I won’t be seeing my daughter.
No one understands why I wanna hang myself from that flagpole sometimes at the memorial like a poetic end to my pathetic existence. But here I am. Angry and telling the devil to fuck off again today. Thank you.
Last time I was in a ward, a patient shat in their hands and started flinging it all over the place. It was crazy, the orderlies came right up and tackled me for some reason and said they caught me brown handed.
more people should know about this channel.
Last time I was in a ward, a patient shat in their hands and started flinging it all over the place. It was crazy, the orderlies came right up and tackled me for some reason and said they caught me brown handed.
more people should know about this channel.
I have come way to close many times… i have no idea what keeps me staying but i stay
Nope…
the subtle refrence to rage against the machine in the beginning is so powerfull. and 45 is a caliber
shinedown has some great songs like:
sound of madness
the crow and the butterfly
Or the anger comes from being exhausted with the pain. Sisyphus…
help…
Review THE LIGHT by DISTURBED please.
Been there. I’ve to the place where the only thing keeping me alive is the pure rage I feel thinking about the people my death would please. The hate for those I would prove right. Sometime anger is all we have left.
What you said from 5:30 - 6:00 just broke me… I needed to come across this video… thank you
I can not listen to / sing this song without sobbing and crying. My Anger / Depression / Anxiety is so strong, so powerful, so all-consuming. That I think, that my loved ones would be better off without me. That my wife, could be free of my burden, that my child wouldn’t see me angry anymore.
This song was a really important one to me as a young man. Listening to it here took me back in time.