There are winners and losers in everything, including life. I am amongst life’s losers

I didn’t ask for it.

I used to be a happy little guy. In hindsight, I realize that happiness was foolish, and ignorance is bliss. I’ve become very self aware of exactly who I am, in the last year or so.

I am a realist. I am objective. This doesn’t just disappear when I’m judging myself. If I fuck up, I will make sure I know that I’m a worthless piece of shit. The truth is, I just fuck up too much. I am incompetent, annoying, ignorant, unintelligent, uninteresting, and utterly and painfully average.

I am a robot on auto-mode, going through the motions. I’m doing what everyone else is doing at my age (I’m 19)—so I feel no sense of accomplishment from doing the most basic shit, such as going to college or working. That’s what I figure “normal, productive” people do; yet, I feel like a fucking fraud.

I cheat in at least one class every semester (usually math). I am a lazy bastard, and I’d much rather cheat than learn, because I just can’t fucking learn some things. My job? Admittedly, it’s nice for my age (bank teller/salesman) but I only got because my mom happened to mention to the regional manager that I’m in school for accounting/business, and the RM was the same ethnic group as us—so he kinda gave me a shot. I’m grateful, but I feel like a fucking fraud. So I’m not proud of anything. I got lucky.

Hobbies and interests? Forget it. I have no talents, no valuable skills, nothing tangible. I play video games in my off time—I fucking suck at them, as usual. I like watching sports—but I definitely do pretend to know more about them than I actually do. I’m not funny. I’m not charming. I’m not personable, or warm and cuddly, or interesting. I am a very boring person living a very boring life. Any hobbies I attempt to start—such as guitar, or joining the gym—(I’ve tried both), it almost always ends the same way. I quit. I can’t commit. I start tasks and leave them unfinished. I am constantly lost, in a haze, and I can’t remember worth for shit. My awful memory problems make me sad and angry. I can’t even fucking remember things, what the fuck can I do?

I have one friend. He’s a great guy, but I oft wonder why he’s still friends with me. He has a ton of friends of his own. I had a friend group for a few years, but I kinda figured in the last 2 years or so, that I was being pushed out. I told myself that I’m being paranoid—I wasn’t. This past July, they basically told me they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I couldn’t blame them. I have a penchant for creating scenes sometimes—I have anger issues off the charts that I try so hard to work on, and sometimes I get them under control, but often I don’t. I’m also very annoying, a constant nuisance, a leech.

I overthink everything, I have over-the-top reactions to perceived negativity/insults. Example: I get pretty pissed when somebody makes a snarky/snide remark to me in public, which happens to me often, probably more than the average person. I think this is because there is something inherently unlikable about me.

The only thing I can say is, I’m nice to everybody that is nice to me. I rarely hold grudges, I forgive easily, sometimes too easily. Sometimes this comes back to bite me in the ass. I’m always trying to see the good in people, and I’m always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt—because we all have problems, we all have lives, things we wish we could work on, etc.

I think I am different in those regards. I think while it’s normal to have some feelings of worthlessness, feeling like a loser is not normal unless…you are a loser. You don’t know it unless you know it. I know I am one. I doubt I’ll finish out college successfully, or ever find a decent job.

I don’t worry too much about romantic relationships—the fact that I’ve never even kissed a girl is just a small symptom of a much larger problem. The larger problem is what makes me depressed. So I always reach a point in my day where I start to self loathe, even if the rest of my day was going fine. I feel like I deserve it. I am a ducking idiot, incapable of being anything more than just “average”.

So here I am—a fraud, a chubby sack of shit, a friendless, girlfriendless, stupid piece of garbage. There’s a lot more embarrassing shit about me that I just won’t type here, because it’s going to take away from my ultimate message: that there are losers in life, and if you’re a loser like me—I guess, what I wanna say is, you’re not alone. I don’t know what the solution is. I can’t give any profound advice.

So, I’m a prisoner. Can’t kill myself, but don’t wanna live. So I guess I’ll just medicate with distractions—the weed, the sports, the games, the social media—it all just distracts me from the sad, honest truth—that I am amongst life’s losers.

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Hey I get that you’re hurting and you wanna help people in your own way. But I think the source or your pain might be really deeply lodged. A lot of what you say parallels people that have gone down really really dark rabbit holes. Also please don’t make the mistake than anyone is objective. People are emotional animals with a bias for our own self interests and our emotions are chemical reaction loops inside of protein cascades too complex to decode. Our emotions are responses to stimuli that we then try to rationalize meaning out of but we always feel first then we think. It’s the intuition that guides the logic. So none of us are objective and thinking that only does you a disservice.

Also this might be relevant to your interests

Good luck and please don’t give up without a fight. With every defeat, you come at the next challenge with experience and someday you will be able to overcome the obstacle in front of you.

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You are not alone i have most of the problems you mentioned too (and a lot more)
i don’t have a solution for it neither but whenever i feel overwhelmed i go hiking , try it once it might help you as well

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Hey man, I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way. You must have a hard time just completing one day. I know how those kinds of negative thoughts consume energy, I’ve been/I am there myself too. I also feel bad about myself in many ways. Those thoughts that I can’t thrive at anything, they are so frustrating.

I feel like we humans place too much value to good looks or accomplishments. Appearance does not define our worth. I personally think that one is a nice human if (s) he tries to be better and isn’t a dick! By your text, you seem like a deep-thinking and a caring person. Definitely not a bad person, or a loser. I get why you are feeling that way, our environment puts so much pressure on us. It feels kinda overwhelming at times cause there’s always so much to do, to better, to perfect, to accomplish…

I’ll say a few more things.
The fact that you haven’t had luck in relationships doesn’t make you a loser. I get why it saddens you, but I believe the time comes for you. You can still enjoy playing games, you don’t have to be great at them. Some people will comment about it, but it says more about them than you. That work thing, it’s good that you got a job! Some people have connections and doesn’t automatically make them lazy or frauds!

Try to do things that you enjoy, and try to let the mean thoughts pass by. They come but they’ll also go. You sound like you have a low self-esteem but it’s something that can be changed! Proper clothing size is important. And sorry if this sounds inappropriate, but chubbiness is hella fine👌 No need to be ashamed. Sorry it this text is hard to read, i just wrote what came to mind, it’s hard for me to put these things in logical order!