Given this is my first entry, I’ll start from the beginning of when this shit of a life started. I was born and within the first minute of life in the icu. Now, im not physically disabled from it but I wont elaborate. Growing up I bought into the lie that getting good grades and focusing on your future would be the key to success. Its not. I consider my self intellectual and I can see now that its all a lie. The future never comes, its a concept. The only times that matter are now. Im a 25 yo WM in a time when everyone automatically hates me and I wasted all my time in school so nobody knows me at all to know im not like anything they say. I cant hold a job bc of fucking anxiety bullshit. I hate myself to every depth. I spent 8 years of my youth with only 2 women and now both silently wish I was dead. They’re right to. I sat around in a dim room for 2 weeks with the door locked tattooing myself bc I like the pain and cant stand the sight of myself in any recognizable form. Others say the art isnt bad but I know what they really think. I tattooed my face multiple times in that episode. It now just adds to both the judements I get and the regrets I carry. I lost my only friend, my older brother in 2014 and I’ve been lost ever since. Ive found solace in nothing. I wont ever. There is no end bc even for people like me, it doesnt matter what you believe in, the pain never ends. What scares me the most is that I dont go into tendencies or hysterical mania. I want to die every second of every day as soon as i dont wake up bc I never sleep anymore. Ive tried suicide before via poisoning but life clang to me like a disease. At any given moment though i know my next attempt will take place and ive never failed anything twice.
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I’m very sorry for all you have been through. Life can be cruel at times. My ex wife divorced me after being together for 12 years, then I was recently with the same girl for a year. We ended up getting engaged, then she tells me I’m not who she wants. Some days I can really question everything. Asking God why He made me. What’s wrong with me, I also have many small health issues. But Jesus is everything. I share that because you said it doesn’t matter what a person like you believes. I encourage you to talk to Him. You are loved. At the end of the day, no matter what, I know I can trust Him. I hope you discover that too.
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