Yeah, feels like, “I’ll be well if I just take the right precautions.” Reasonable thought, but when it gets hyper-focused on, it can consume you. Because there is always some kind of invisible threat, always some kind of barrier you SHOULD be putting up, always some kind of clean up regimen you SHOULD be following. It’s this mental load of constantly processing LIFE for the THREATS and trying to defend yourself. It’s hard to feel like you can walk out of your front door without feeling an onslaught of danger. It’s hard to be actually PRESENT with people because you first have to process all of the layers of - are we too close? Are they someone safe? Are they touching me? Is there something here I’m going to need to rectify? It’s so much.
Oh my friend, that fear and anxiety is one that you are not alone in. It’s a really hard place to be because the fear is truly based in reality. And these last few years have not helped that in any way. It’s good to see that you are in therapy to work through this. It’s learning how to realistically deal with the concern for staying healthy and keep the obsession at bay because of it. You are doing the hard work for that now and I say well done there. Stick with the program and do the work. You are worth it. Thank you for sharing because this is something that so many others feel too. You are not alone.
It is absolutely frightening to be fully aware of things we can’t control, and things we can’t really see either. It makes completely sense that, in face of health anxiety, OCDs have become somehow a comforting refuge and practice, even though over time it becomes a trap as well. Ever since I was little I have too developed OCDs that are based on behaviors and magical thinking. When I feel vulnerable or stressed, I see these patterns becoming more present, a manifestation of my desperate need for safety and control. “Letting go” is such a strange and difficult concept to seize, one that I still don’t know how to approach.
It takes a lot of strength and courage to seek therapy for something that controls parts of our life and feeds our deepest fears. You have without a doubt taken a major step in the direction of healing just by seeking help. Super proud of you for this. These fears don’t have to keep you hostage for the rest of your life. You don’t deserve to live in fear. I believe in you. <3