There's no way out for me

HeartSupport Support
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Hello.
I am a 29 years old man who simply gave up having sex, because my mind won’t let me.
Always been extremely anxious, to the point of getting physically ill. I also have, since my teen years, tried to find a woman with whom i could get married and have children, i never really wanted to be the ‘game’ guy, going out with plenty, just a reserved person with a woman on my side, and kids for my genes to live on. My genes, though, are not good at all (this topic is proof) which i suppose the whole situation came for the greater good, objectively speaking.

The reason i gave up sex (even though i am not a virgin) is that i mostly can’t control the anxiety at the time, and then i not only can’t make the ‘thing’ work, but i even lose my desire because of it. Then, at some situations i get turned on by something, but when the time comes the anxiety overlaps it, and it’s just one never ending cycle of frustration and embarassment. I have tried a lot of things, including medication (and by the way, everything in my body is ok, hormones, etc) apparently some people just weren’t born for the live they want.

The problem now is, if i can’t have the life i’ve always seen myself in the ‘future’, now that the future came, what should i expect? What should i wish for? There isn’t anything, i was not born to be alone, and yet everything in my minds works towards this life, one who can’t have a happy and sorrounded by people existence. Even the other things i like, just the possibility that i will always do it by myself is terrifying. The other day i had a conversation with a woman that i really got interested, and it seemed like she liked me as well, but at some point i had to cut it off, i just couldn’t go through the same thing again and again, frustrating not only myself but also her.

It is getting impressively hard to deal with this prospect for my life, a life without a family, i don’t think there is hope.

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Hi Friend,
thank you so much for sharing, Welcome to Heart Support.
this is truly a really sensitive topic, something that can be really difficult.
what i read here, is that you put a lot of pressure on it right now. with those future you see of yourself, you also pressure yourself when it comes to sex. sex is something we should enjoy completely at first.

expect fun and excitement, joy and pleasuare.
at first you should enjoy the time with someone you like. not thinking any further. you booth like each other, that is
the first step. like with so many things, do one step a time.
and when it comes to it, and the person you are with is really liking or even loving you, the understanding and acceptance will be there when you explain yourself.
when this is spoken out, bring some fun in, fun is something that is keeping you distracted from being pressured.
when it comes to dating, my line is probably that a women would have 30 sec of a great time, or even the worst sex to experience in her life.
have you talked with someone about that anxiety further ? in person ? or even when it was happening ?

when you go in with that expectations, that is pure pressure and even my thing would not work under that circumstances.
we all are not meant to be alone, you are not meant to be alone.
with the right person in your life you will definetely overcome this issue. give it time, don’t rush it.
when anxiety is setting in, is coming up, nothing is working in our mind or body often. you will see, when you have talked about it, when you make sure that the person is knowing this, the acceptance will be there.
i am in my mid 30’s now, and have to deal with similiar problems to date due to my medication. that is also not easy to deal with, because of my mind. and i can relate to that, when it does not work, you pressure yourself even more.
try to get rid of that it must work now, and try to relax and take is not so serious, because we should have fun and enjoy it. life is serious enough what we face everyday. naked, sweating bodies is something we should enjoy.
you will do great, i am sure. you are loved my friend and you matter most :purple_heart:
feel hugged but from a distance, so we can’t “dock on”

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Hi.
I do not talk about this to anyone, i wouldn’t be able to, ever.
All those thought pattern and processes that you said, i try them all, i’m aware of how sex is supposed to be fun, and not something to get that worried about, but everything inside me says otherwise. It almost feels like my body is disconnected frmo my mind, and it’s always been like that, nothing seems to solve it.
On a situation where i could have the most beautifully hot woman in front of me, with what i feel, i have zero desire, i am constantly worried about things that sometimes i don’t even know what it is, it just goes beyond me. Lately i even look away when i see a woman that attracts me, just trying not to be frustrated and forgetting for a bit, it’s not easy though.
Thank you anyway.

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Ok, so you don’t want to have sex. That’s totally ok and believe it or not, there are lots of people that don’t want to have sex either for one reason or another. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this.

That being said, there are things like anxiety and depression that can make it very hard on a person who actually wants to have sex. I know you said you won’t ever be able to talk to someone about this, but if you were to talk to someone, you would learn coping skills to deal with the anxiety. You would talk to someone who knows how to help you thru all this.

The other part of this, “a life without a family” is something that you don’t have to be without. You can adopt and you can foster children. There are also women out there that don’t want to have a sexual relationship, but do want a family. I have two IRL friends that are married and celibate. They have two beautiful girls they adopted and they are happy.

So, just because you don’t want sex, you can still live a fulfilling life. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you for the response.
I absolutely want to, just when i’m not in a situation where i can have it. When the moment comes, as i said, i get absolutely distressed and lose all desire (plus capacity). The distress is gone, i want it again. My mind does not seem to let me, and i can’t control my mind, not even close - even with years of practicing, even meditating.

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Hello!
There is a very helpful audio (dharma). Please check it, it might have an effect on you, if you pay close attention. I think it applies to what you’re going through:

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It is not that i don’t want to talk to someone, i just know that i can’t.
Lately i’ve been drinking a bit more than i should, because it is a great relief when i’m tipsy, and of course it comes back right after the effect is done. A professional, even i could speak, would tell me the same things i’ve already read, i read pretty much everything on the internet, and so many books too, it’s exhausting. Imagine starting all over again, the same processes with a therapist, to explain the same things and get most likely the same answers i’ve already found.
Sadly, though i wish, i don’t think words could solve any of this. I’m aware people here have great intentions with the words, you’re all trying to help, i wouldn’t dare say otherwise, to be honest i don’t even know why i wrote it here if i don’t think words will solve, i know, it does seem like contradictory, it’s just that when you don’t see a way out, it makes you do things you don’t even understand.
Thank you again!

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I disagree that a therapist is going to say the same things you’ve read. you’ve read those things as the patient, as someone desperately looking for answers. They will look at it in a different way from you, with a history of past patients and what can work, and what work needs to be done. I can read up on surgeries online, but that wouldn’t make me qualified to do it myself, even if i know all the parts and names of the procedures.

Professionals also know what can be possible root causes. There is no judgments.
Maybe there is some other issue that s contributing to your issues, like the anxiety. A professional can help show yo strategies, skills and tools for dealing with it. And that way you get a better understanding of what’s going on.

You’ve been very brave in sharing here, and I do hope that you are feeling the love and support of the community here too. We can offer support, maybe others can share their experiences. This is a topic that is sensitive and would require a lot of introspection to relate cause to symptom.

Wishing you well friend, I hope you find the answers and some relief. You matter!

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Hi again,
they might tell you things that you already readed, but believe me, they will ask you questions where you will find
an answer too. something you are not aware of in this moment or something.
when i was going through things, my therapist just asked a simple question and it was like “glass splittering noise”
in my head and i came up with an answer.
is it exhausting to go through all of this again ? Yes
is life exhausting ? Yes
is it worth going through it again with someone who can help you ? Yes
i go through so many things lately and i feel like so exhausted thinking about all the same shit, again and again.
things that a years in the past raised up all of a sudden, things i was thinking of i already left behind. but the mind
is such a saving of emotions, memories that it can be scaring. i cry a lot again lately, i feel so dumb and ashamed
of so many moments and things i did, but in the end it is worth going through that. because after that, i can finally
live and breathe. i do not know how long it will take me, what else will be thrown in front of me, what shit or what
a fucked up mess i will be for some time. i hate myself for so many things, i am worth shit and i deserve shit. but
i try. i try it for the people who support me, i try it for myself to give back what they do.
the best thing in life is to try. even when things are worst we try. as i said often, the only thing you need to see
at this moment is your next step, and nothing more. take one step after another.
you can’t get over something you suppress, only when you go through it. things like this, when we keep them for
ourselves, they haunt us, they come back bigger and bigger the more we carry them.
don’t let reaching out become a habit. for nothing. people are there for you, people are there to help you.
we are here to help you, we are here because we want to.
and no one will understand how you feel, because we are all different. we accept how you feel and what you are going through, we do not judge or anything like this. we are here to encourage you, to take the next step and overcome everything. because we know, because i know that you can do that. it is extremely brave what you did here, it is extremely brave to open up about such a sensitive topic. you will see that when you reach out and speak with someone who will help you, that you will be relieved afterwards.
i hope that, and we all, that your next step is the one in the right direction.
you are loved, and you matter most :purple_heart:
feel hugged