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There's no way out

There seems to be no way out except death. My sister is bedridden and needs help for absolutely everything. She can’t stay alone because she has PTSD. We have nowhere to go. We are stuck at our parents’ home. We couldn’t receive unemployment benefits because she is unable to work and I couldn’t go and work either as she always needs someone by her side because she is afraid of staying alone. She couldn’t receive disability benefits either as she has not been officially diagnosed with any sickness. It would also be hard to find a place to stay at in a safe neighborhood.

My mother fought again with my sister this morning and basically said that she always did anything she could for my sister when it’s not true. Our parents never did anything, not even for the heart disease symptoms my sister has had since birth. Even her cats she claims she loves, she doesn’t take care of them. Now it’s obvious she’s narcissistic garbage just like my father. Of course they have never done anything wrong. They have never wanted to understand anything about my sister’s sickness.

The only thing that makes me sad about leaving their home is that I wouldn’t be able to see the cats anymore. Obviously, if I ever got out if here, I would cut ties with them.

The only way to put an end to this shit would have been my sister moving with the guy she had met a year ago (there would be more to say about that).

I will probably sound like a selfish bad person by saying this, but I don’t know if I still want to care for her. The last few years have been horrible. All I do is eat, sleep, and do things for her such as giving her food. But this situation is unacceptable. She even yells at me and beats me sometimes. I’m tired of having to walk on eggshells in this house to avoid fights with our parents (fail this morning again) just so I can maybe have a little bit of peace of mind. She wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t been there but I can’t take it anymore. I am sick of all this. I am not happy living like this. I would rather be dead. At the end of the day, nothing makes me happy. I have nothing.

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May I ask how old you and your sister are?

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First of all: You count first in your life. There is nothing wrong about this, to put yourself first. Noone can expect you to give up yourself for someone else.

If you do not have the power any more to care for your sister, it isn’t helpful for either of you if you have a breakdown, because you cannot handle it any longer.

I do not know much about your health system in your country, but I am sure, there are ways to reach out for help. This might be a step back for your sister in the first place, but it will be rewarded for both of you, if it reduces the weight on your shoulders.

As a first step I would recomment you talk with your sister, telling her, you love her, and you support her, but you also have a life of your own, and you at least need some time off. Try to work out times you can work on your own interests, go out and relax. If your sister knows you will be back at a certain time, she might learn to trust that she won’t loose you, just because you aren’t there for a few hours.maybe you also can try to work out a training, where she does simple tasts on her own, like preparing her breakfast (if she isn’t doing that on her own atm)

Later work on finding external support, I am sure there are possibilities out there.

You are not selfish if you want to have your own life back. You deserve your own life, your happiness. And you don’t let anyone down, just because you wish to gain this.

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No need to say thank you, my own free wish to spend time with you, and I don’t consider this time wasted. I think it is well spend :slight_smile:

May I ask what country you are from? I do not want to assume it, despite I have an idea.

You are not a monster, you are a human being with desires and wishes. Those desires and wishes are nothing to be ashamed of. And I just say it, that you deserve it to be happy.

You cannot be made responsible for the situation, and there must be a way out of this without harming someone.

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When I was in a support group session the moderator and counselor gave us a working sheet after the session. It was called “the miracle wish” - you was supposed to write down how you would like to have your life if you just could snap your finger, and change it in an instant. Would you like to write down, how you would like to have your life right now?

Not only considering the current situation, but also including all wishes which seem far away and even impossible to achive.

And if you like, I will write down my wishes first :slight_smile:

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Now … what would be necessary to achive that?

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have you learned any profession?

I am sorry I didn’t answer. I have to deal with my own situation today. But I will come back to you. Promised.

This is your threat - nothing you post here about yourself and your situation is off topic. Anything on your chest is worth posted here, if you feel sharing.

Do you have any other family members who coul help you/that you trust? Or who knows a bit about your situation.

You know, “IRL” through work and volunteering in the past, I’ve seen people who felt stuck in situations that were hurting them. They didn’t see an exit door, and that’s why others are needed sometimes. They were not dumb. They were dealing with circumstances that were objectively difficult. Just like you.

In your situation right now, I think it would be great to try to reach out to a social worker. They’d be able to help you with 1/ finding a job/leaving your home; 2/ finding a way to have the right resources for your sister, medical especially.

Your sister clearly needs someone to come at your home to make an official diagnosis, so your family could apply for some help - generally these days for mental health it’s about being helped as an outpatient. She’s in a situation of dependency and this needs to be handled by someone else than you. It’s generally not easy to get this help, but it’s possible. The first step being: the diagnosis by a professional who does an evaluation of her mental health and how it impacts her/her daily life.

If you live in France, a Planning Familial could be a good start - they often have multidisciplinary teams there, with psychologists and social workers especially (it’s not only for abortion or things related to sexuality). You can also generally get an appointment with a social worker in a hospital or a clinic.You can also try through your doctor, who may know some people who’d be able to give you the right support (like a psychiatrist who accept to do consultations at home, or through video calls, or a mental health free/public service - psychiatrists are doctors, their prestations are refunded by social security). An other possibility could be to ask at your local town hall for people to contact or appropriate social/medical services. Maybe there are also mental health organizations in your living area. Public ones or nonprofits. There may be social workers and other professionals who could redirect you to the right services if needed.

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Unless I lived on my own I couldn’t work since my sister needs help for everything and they couldn’t keep her in a hospital either as she cannot live at the same pace as normal people but no one will ever understand that because “”“it’s all in her head”""".

Professionals, doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists can understand that. It’s their job. That’s why someone who has this kind of authority has to determine how much this impacts her life, but also yours, by coming at your home or establish a diagnosis one way or another. And this, regardless of what your parents think - you are a grown adult, they don’t have to discuss this kind of decision.

How I see it is, your sister needs a medical examination to receive a proper diagnosis of what she has + how much it impacts her capacity to handle daily life, and how much dependant she is to others around her. I mean, if she can’t live on her own, this could fall in the criterias of a disability, even if it’s just like 50%, it still is something. And getting this can open doors to many other things. Such as financial help, medical help, at home services (like a nurse). Or, indeed, an admission to a mental health institution - which is, as I see how your parents behave with her, something that would be positive.

There’s more and more invisible and chronic diseases that are known and recognized as such. Professional burnout for example. As said before it’s not easy to get this kind of recognition, but not impossible either.

The truth is no one can take care of her except me because no one understands her health issues.

You’ve been giving so much of yourself to your sister. It’s remarkable. But you are not the only one who can help her and understand her. That is, unfortunately, a truth that you have to accept too. I know it’s scary. Because who knows who would try to help her, if they’re not going to make things worse? But somehow we have to have some faith in the fact that some people out there are willing to do their job well. And are able to understand, especially because they are qualified for that. PTSD is now well-known among mental health professionals. Such as phobias, anxiety, depression… it’s more common than we think.

Also, a major point here is: you provide her for her needs. But in the meantime she’s not healing or working on her struggles. That’s why she needs therapy. Otherwise, indeed, it’s not going to change.

You are not stuck with her forever. But I understand how it feels to help someone who’s relying 100% on you. I’ve been in this position with a family member. It was less intense, but it was really burdening sometimes. And it was a long process to get the right help.

There’s a terrible lack of recognition for the of work and energy you devote to your sister. But I want you to know that we see it here.

Two other possibilities I didn’t mention:

  • You’re what we call a “Aidant Proche” in french. Maybe looking after associations of Aidants Proches could help too. Often times, it’s groups of people who are providing help for a family member who is stuck in a relation of dependency. They may have right resources as well to suggest you. And it’s probably possible to contact some groups by email or through online platforms.
  • To contact her health insurance to have some guidance through this. Or, if she doesn’t have any, local social security services.

Sorry if it’s a bit overwhelming to list all those things. It’s just some doors you can definitely try to push, and see how it goes. I know it’s unfair that you’re the one doing this. It shouldn’t be like this. And I can tell, your sister is lucky to have you. But she also needs to receive help from someone else. So you live your life too.

At this point might as well kill myself. The only one who could have done something is that guy she met but I don’t know what to do with him and I feel uncomfortable asking about this again here.

I remember what you said about this person. Maybe you could still try to contact them. I mean, at worst you don’t get any answer, at best you have one. But I have to say, be prepared that this person doesn’t want to hold this responsability, as it’s objectively an important one.

She was supposed to make an appointment with a doctor who might be able to help her but we’ll have to wait months before she can see him

That sounds to be super positive - despite the delay. Is he a specialist or something, to need to wait months before she can see him?

I hope you can have some rest today by the way. :hrtlegolove:

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No worries, that’s totally okay. What you just wrote is totally clear! Thank you so much for taking the time to explain the situation. :hrtlegolove:

Well there is still this appointment with a doctor in a couple of months. Maybe reaching out to this guy you mentioned. At least to get some updates from him and his situation (?). Contacting a social worker as well. The responses will just not arrive today. It’s all about waiting for the moment… I know it’s frustrating. And I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

In the meantime, you’ll need to take care of yourself. I hear your exhaustion. So you’ll need to gather some energy for yourself.

Are there things you enjoy to do, things that bring you some joy? It can be very simple things. As long as it helps you to breathe a little. :hrtlegolove:

About my sister’s boyfriend. Should I still write to him? Actually I don’t know if we’ll ever hear from him again but everything was fine before he stopped texting/calling because of his problems and their affecting his mental health.

I guess then, if your sister asked not to write to him, then she has indeed good reasons. And he himself doesn’t want to be disturbed. Both their reasons should be respected in my opinion. But ultimately the choice is yours, always. It’s only a personal opinion here.

About a guy I had met

I guess it depends on the relationship that you have, the amount of trust between you two, also when you said those things to him. It sounds that your friend needs time for the moment. Unfortunately, you can’t force them to talk to you. And… trust me, I know it’s hard. I’ve been ghosted in the past, and I know it hurts.

For this situation, for what’s it’s worth, I’d say: don’t imvolve a friend in this. That’s something that people don’t appreciate generally because what’s going on between you and him is private. This issue is between you two, and it’s probably better if it stays between you two. Though sometimes when we make a mistake or say things we didn’t mean, writing a letter can help. If you only know him through internet, you could write a letter and take a photo - or write it on a computer directly. At least, you would explain your perspective/your position in a calm and collected way, also that he matters to you. After that… the answer, responding or not, would be his decision only.

I’ve been turning to food for the last 2 years and it worsened since last year and I don’t know what to do.

It makes totally sense to turn to food in a stressful situation. And it’s really positive that you’re aware of this coping mechanism. Whether it’s through starving yourself or feeding yourself too much, it can be unhealthy. When I was struggling with eating disorders (I’m not saying you do), I found this book very helping: Book - It says it’s for bulimia, but it’s not only for this. It’s more generally to learn to recreate a healthier relationship with food. The author also have a blog, w/ articles and podcasts: https://brainoverbinge.com/ - It’s a lot about learning to have a stress-free relationship with food again, and be more in tune with our appetite. “Mindful eating” could also be interesting for you to Google and look for. In any case, I hope those could help you a bit, or even just inspire you to be at peace with your body, progressively. Those things take time. Food, whether it’s through control or overeating, has definitely something comforting. But again it’s really positive that you’re aware that it can’t be like this forever. :heart:

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I’m sorry if having responses makes you feel bad. Also, thank you for being honest about it. I appreciate your trust here.

Know that it’s what this place is made for, nothing wrong in discussing and trying to give some support. We’re all doing our best here. I’m personally glad you are here. And I respect the fact that you share those things about your life. :hrtlegolove:

To get back on the main topic: the letter was only a suggestion - no obligation at all. Especially since it seems that there is a lot of resentment between you two. I know it hurts when it’s about being ghosted by someone. You keep wondering why it happened and if it was because of you. I think it’s normal to overthink in this situation. But also, I doubt that you’d have any answer through his friends. Maybe the healthier move, for both of you, would be to close this chapter and try to let him go. I know it’s easier said than done…

In any case, know that his way to handle this, by not communicating, is his decision. It’s hard because you can’t really do anything about it. But also, you can realize that it’s not your responsability either. It’s his.

Also, you’re not annoying at all. Sometimes you just have to expect to wait before you see an answer to what you just shared. I hear that all of this is very stressful to you. And I know it’s tough at home. But it doesn’t change the fact that you are cared for, right here. No matter what.

:hrtlegolove:

Why wouldn’t I deserve his understanding and forgiveness?

I know. It’s unfair. It truly is. As you said… talking to him seems impossible. This is something beyond your control. And I wish there was something easy to do to solve this situation. I wish he would reach out to you and you could discuss together. But based on what you shared here it sounds that this is not possible. I hear you though. I hear your pain. You have the right to be angry. To feel how you feel.

But I want you to keep in mind that this situation with your friend doesn’t define you or say anything about what you deserve or not. You are deserving of love, care, and respect. In any circumstance. Always.

You don’t have to reply, Micro.

I know. I do it willingfully. It’s my decision. Because I appreciate you and I care about you. And I understand how it feels to be divided between reaching out and feeling like we don’t deserve it. I’m glad you push through those thoughts. And I’m glad you are here.

About the letter, take some time to think about it. You don’t have to make a decision today, to write it today or send it soon. Take your time to process all of this. And if you need, we can discuss about it privately if it’s easier in french. Not today, because I’m tired and need to rest. :wink:

I know we’re living on the same timezone, meaning it’s starting to be late now. I hope you’ll manage to rest tonight. I see that you’re thinking about a lot of things, and I hope you’ll take some time to take care of yourself, to breathe a little. Those things can wait tomorrow.

You don’t have to be perfect. No one is. Being you is all you need. And if someone tell you otherwise, they are wrong. But you know that already, deep inside. :hrtlegolove:

It doesn’t sound stupid at all. The good thing with google is to find inspiration. But as this is a very personal thing, I think it’s important to really try to trust yourself. What matters is what comes from your heart. It’s how you feel, it’s what this person mean to you, it’s what you want. You can ask yourself those questions, for example, to find some guidance:

  • What would I like to read if I was my friend?
  • What are my expectations with this letter? Do I have things I want to ask to him?
  • How do I feel about the situation? What do I want to express?

Keep in mind that until you give a letter to someone, what you write is only seen by you. So you can try, try and try again. It’s 100% okay. It has no consequence. And ultimately, there is no right or wrong feelings in this situation. If at some point you need a friend to read it and give you an opinion, feel always free to DM me - but no pressure or obligation, I’m aware that this is very intimate and personal.

Also: a song seems to be an awesome idea! It’s such a beautiful way to convey a message and how we feel. Very meaningful, and also very powerful. It’s a beautiful idea.

I understand the way you feel, every bit of it. It isn’t like you could ever leave your sister when she is ina condition like that. I understand how terrible it is for you and how horrible that would be to cut ties with those cats. I perfectly understand that death would feel like the only way out, but don’t die, because your sister needs you. Also the cats they would miss you.
I understand you, and I understand how hard it would be to have narrssicistic parents.
I know I sound like a liar, but I actually do understand it and now I feel like you because I hear d what you said. Every single thing you said made since to me, and to know someone like me is suffering like that is like being condemned.

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The problem is that we can’t tell any of this to anyone because she (and maybe I as well) could be thrown into a mental hospital when this kind of thing should be avoided at all costs.

May I ask why this should be avoided? Why do you think you can’t talk about it?

If I understand well, something’s wrong at home with the way you parents treat your sister and you. I hear what sounds to be an unsafe situation. And as much as I understand the fears around the idea of talking about what’s going on, and reaching out, I want you to know that asking for help is a right that you have. And you can use this right. Also, professionals, doctors, can understand your sister’s need for not being alone, and how close you both are to each other. Really. They are not in your shoes, they are not living what you live, but when you communicate and express what’s going on, you can make others understand. You can give those clues, so people can help in a right way. The thing that is preventing you to do so is this very idea that no one could understand.