There's so much going on and i don't know what to do

gosh where do i start…there’s so much in my brain right now. i don’t know what to believe anymore. my mother and grandmother constantly tell me that because i’m in their family i can in no way be gay. they don’t ever let me share how i feel. they always say that i need to change and that it isn’t acceptable. they say that it’s just a phase and that i’ll grow out of it eventually. my mother says it’s an abomination to live this way. that stings and leaves a mark every time she says something of the sort. all my life i’ve been told to deal with things on my own. when i do try to talk about my mental health with my parents they say that i’m fine. they say that i’ll get over it since my life isn’t that bad. i constantly feel like i’m not good enough for my family. no matter what i do i don’t feel that they see how important it is to me. i don’t feel like i can live up to the expectations they have for me. i’m always told that i need to do better, be better, do things better, get things done faster, put more effort into things. lately i’ve been putting all i have into making them happy with how i’m doing things. i am doing things for myself, yes, but they’re in secret because my parents would tell me i’m being lazy or selfish.

with all that said i just don’t really want to be anywhere anymore, but yet i do. i want to see what the rest of my life has in store for me, but also i’m scared to. i don’t want to feel the disappointment from my parents. i don’t want to be looked at as “a gay mess who needs to get her life figured out”. i’m done. that’s just it. i’m done. it’s so exhausting. it feels like the thread that’s been used to sew me back together countless times is tearing. i don’t know how much longer i can keep it together. as i’m writing this i’m crying about to have a break down. i just want it all to go away. i want peace. i want to be free. i don’t know how much longer i can take it. how much longer until i burst at the seams. start crumbling and falling apart. if that ever comes i don’t know that i’ll be able to be put back together either.

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Hi Sarah,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s hard when the people you want to support you the most, your parents, make you feel like you aren’t enough…And don’t validate your true feelings…

Our parents mindsets (and our own) all stem from social conditioning…oppression…so many expectations. Not to justify their intolerance that is truly hurting you…But just wanted to share a zoomed out picture of the situation. Maybe zooming out can help you feel less consumed by it…since it’s in your home, that can feel so suffocating.

Keep following your heart and hold on to what you value about yourself over what they disapprove of. Find people who can hold the space for you to share all of the things you feel.(HeartSupport, local friends,etc)
Your parents are being led by fear, so please do not let their fear infect your heart. Easier said than done, I know. But I believe in you. Hold on to the people who fan your flame. <3

Much Love,

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Thank you for sharing and opening up to us. You are so brave.

I love that your name is Sarah the Proud. Because even though you may not feel it right now, you are proud of who you are. I can sense that you have so much fight in you through your words.

Even though your family has a hard time accepting you, at the end of the day you deserve and absolutely should be proud of who you are. I am proud of you. We are all proud of you no matter what. You are not being selfish or lazy for simply looking out for your own well-being. Ultimately, you are the most important person in your life. You are enough. You are doing your best. What you’re doing is enough. You are enough. Keep doing things for yourself. You say that you’ve been putting all you have into making them happy. But what are they doing to make you happy? Put all that effort you’ve been exhausting into hopefully accomplishing that goal of one day making them happy and instead put it all towards you.

I want to see what the rest of your life has in store for you. I know that you will and have already accomplished amazing things in your life. You are so strong. Keep holding on to what you value about yourself.

I want peace for you. Keep holding on. We are all rooting for you.

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From: dariandaotter

Heya Sarah, this is your pal Otter. I am so sorry for hearing what you’re going through. Know that we are expected for things to be “Well” but in reality, most of the times they’re not. You are strong. Know I am here for you.