I am not improving at all and I can’t help wonder if the end is near for me. These dreams I have is really biting away at me. Last year was the hardest year of my life, because 4 family members passed away and now I can’t wonder am I next to go. I have been dreaming of an evil version of myself that I fight with words and sometimes he wins and sometimes I win. This next dream is another weird one being trapped behind a glass clear wall and I am banging on it and no one acknowledge me. Afterwards the people fade away and all I see is emptiness. So this dream is popular because now every time I dream this I would see different family members look at me shake their head and walk away. Except the current one I saw everyone burst into flames and I screamed and shattered the glass and I woke up. I think I need to get help and soon before I really commit to ending it because I am having such a hard time picking up the pieces. I am continuing to ask myself, “Am I worth it?, Is my life worth living?, Can I save myself from despair?”
Alien space, I’m really glad you decided to come here and talk. I used to and sometimes still do have those dreams where there is family or people I know either trying to harm me or telling me they don’t love me.
The crazy thing about our brains is that our subconscious doesn’t really know reality from imagination, so every time we have those dreams, every time we have conversations in our head where we tell ourselves we aren’t worth it, it takes a physical and mental toll on us as if it’s actually happening.
There is only so long we can silently battle those dreams and thoughts on our own.
Losing those people in such a short time must also be such an ache for you. I’m so so very sorry to hear that.
Have you ever had any grief counselling or any professional to talk to about how it’s been affecting you?
I know it’s frustrating when people just throw those cliches like you’re loved and you matter, but I sincerely do mean that. I wish it were easy to be more gentle with one’s self.
Hi Friend, let me first say how dreadfully sorry I am for all of the loss you have suffered, that is horrendous for anyone to have to have gone through and it makes sense with all of the grief and sadness that you are struggling and that your mind is playing a few tricks on you. Its very hard to sleep when you have a lot going on and you have had a LOT going on, you are grieving , you are stuggling and I would seriously encourage you to go and see your Doctor with regards to your sleep. I Do not think your dreams are telling you anything other than your mind needs to rest. You are mentally tired and its not resting properly. I think with some help, from a doctor or therapist your sleep pattern will improve immensley and you will start feeling a lot better. Let us know how you are getting on. Much Love Lisa. x
Hi there, AlienSpace
I used to have nightmares too. It is truly a weight on the soul that lingers onto the waking world and even nights afterward. Not only that, you are also going through the loss of family, which never helped anyone, much less someone with a lot of stress already.
On those nights where your dreams take control, it is a battle. It can even become a full scale war. At the time, I did everything I could to avoid sleeping, to avoid going through that hell again. I eventually found a way to win the fight against the ‘evil version of myself’. The fight will be hard, but I believe in your power to retake control, reclaim your headspace, and dispel despair. Don’t let the evil version win, you are worth it and you deserve better sleep.
It is a tendency and a survival mechanic that the brain notices patterns in your environment and events. That is why we have conspiracy theories. Your brain might think ‘you might be next’ because it uses the patterns that it notices to make a conclusion that is reasonable to it. It is in your realm of power to choose whether this thought seems rational to you or whether to say “yeah, brain, you’re being overprotective right now”.
Since you mentioned ‘ending it’, would it help to try some of these things?
If your suicidal thoughts start to get worse/turn more realistic, please call one of these numbers for someone who is better qualified to help you.
’A rising sense of awe and wonder
A might I see has always been deep within me
I can feel my inborn power
I call the shots when it’s all finally clear to see’ -Old Gods of Asgard (their song “Take Control” helped me through the most terrifying of nights, may it do the same for you)