They always leave

[disabledmetalfan]

So I hate that I am posting this on a day that was suppose to be good stuff but it isnt ending up that way right now. I was hoping to enjoy my birthday but no I ended up hearing stuff that broke me. I official do not feel like going forward any more. I can hear everyone say things and I can hear them talk to me about stuff but I cant keep people. I cant get out of my own head that I am just not someone people can some how stay friends with. Someone I saw as a very very close friend and trusted deeply has basically left me high and dry. I had been giving them space as they had asked. Than was shown that they blocked me on facebook and stuff like that. I decided to ask them for somethings that are mine that I had let them barrow for their service dog in training because my dog wasnt using them currently but they had meaning to me. So I asked for them back because since we werent talking and they seemed to shut me out of everything that it was best to ask what was mine back. They ended up calling me irrational and stuff. I have been trying to deal with that since they said it. I have already been in a place of dealing with stuff from them treating me like I was a bother and was hurt by that and now all of this stuff today really hurt me. I wanted to have a wonderful day and try to be positive and stuff but instead I spend a good portion of my birthday crying and upset. I know I kind of had to take care of the situation but it was still hard on me. It has really brought up issues for me because I felt stuff was better than it was at the moment but I guess not. The friend called me irrational for asking for my stuff back yet it is my things and I have a right to get them back I loaned the stuff to them. Its not like I was asking for them in that exact moment or today but more just when they could get around to it. So now I feel like the bad guy for asking. I feel like I did wrong in asking. This friend had blocked me on a few forms of social media and I wasnt sure why. I have been trying to decide how to approach that and decided it had to be addressed since it felt like we both were kind of splitting apart. One of my other close friends had told me that what was going on wasnt the truth etc… As they had a different picture of it. I have spent most of my evening and day trying to not feel like I am not good enough for others. Which yes it has been one of my constant fears and stuff but I am trying to not get too caught up in that. I have struggled to feel good enough to have needs and things that I need to take care of for me. Like why do I deserve people who care. The last few weeks have been even rougher on me because this was a close friend to me and it just felt like I was the burden to them and that maybe I ask to much of those around me. Today some things that hadnt really crossed my mind since basically moving into the place I currently live came into my mind. I was deeply struggling to feel like I even deserved to be here because why would people continually hurt me like this. My best friend basically told me I am not good enough for them because I am irrational. I was not okay earlier. Thankfully I reached out to my therapist and a few people I am near and dear friends with and they helped me realize the thoughts arent good ones and I was able to calm down from that mountain my mind was feeding me. It was really hard on me. Basically made today even harder then it has been in the past and I kind of still want to just be a ball and not have issues what so ever but at this point they cant be helped. I am trying to chill and calm down before I go about addressing how I feel right now. But I knew there is only one group that I feel even remotely connected too and that is here. I try so much to love others and care about them as much as I need for me. And this is just not easy for me at all. I struggle to feel good enough for you all and I struggle to feel like I am not just this huge clingy burden people make me out to be. I have been trying to be okay mostly alone in my area because I really only have one good friend here and I rarely do stuff with them. I would like to be able to go out and help others but currently I cant because of covid. Maybe soon. The only idea I have right now is to find where I belong in other ways. I am glad I have my dogs and the few people I have right now.

If you made it through my very confusing post to here thank you. My mind is all over the place and I just dont want to sort it out as I will break down if I do that. I am holding onto somethings tho. Thanks again and sorry this is just lots.

Ash

[Megs]

Hi @disabledmetalfan,

Thank you so much for sharing and posting. Such a hard thing when a friendship is coming to an end or seems to be. It sounds to me like you care so much and it’s so hard when those feelings aren’t reciprocated. I am so sorry.

I am so sorry that you’ve been crying today when it should be such a good day full of celebration. May I just say, Happy birthday! I am glad you are here and I am glad that you posted today.

I am sorry today has been so rough. I don’t think that you are irrational for asking for your stuff back, I believe you have a right to do so.

I know that you are such a caring person, I have personally seen your responses to others support wall topics. Keep up the good work. Keep trying. Know that I believe that you are enough, that you are good enough, and I don’t believe or feel that you are a burden or clingy.

Let us know how your feeling. Praying for you.
Megs

[disabledmetalfan]

Thank you for your wonderful response. I do try so hard to care about others and sometimes to the point I completely forget myself. I give and give it sometimes is too a point I would get hurt over someone else getting hurt. Thank you for the birthday wishes. It wasnt the best day but I guess that is apart of growing up is it not being what we always hope for.

Ya multiple of my friends do not understand why she called me irrational for asking my stuff back when I was blocked on a few social media forms and had no idea if I was going to get to talk to her again. I am trying hard to remember that I am not clingy and not a burden. Its been hard because with one of my mental illnesses at times I start to ask if people just dont like me or something. So I simply ask others around me hey we all good. The friend that has said stuff about me was one I talked to daily if not more than once during that day and we would hangout multiple times a week she was my legit support here in my area and then suddenly that all changed and I didnt know what had happened. She wasnt responding and to find I was talked about to another person we have in common it hurt me. Like hmm. I also am like alright I dont talk to all my friends all the time but those that truly are apart of my life and important to it I talk to them daily. I try to say good morning every day to them. Ask how they are doing type of situation. It has been so hard on me because I am left with that sudden lack of replies and it felt odd to me. Thank you for telling me I dont burden you or come off as clingy. I have been dealing with that fear a lot because of this specific situation.

Today I had a day of doing what I love supporting myself (mostly ended up with a horrible migraine and than had to just sleep) but I am trying to focus on me and not other situations or things that are out of my control. This past week has already been a lot.

Thank you
Ash

[Micro]

Dear Ash,

You know already that there is no need to apologize for sharing your heart here. You are such a caring, loving human and such a pillar of strength in this community. It’s more than okay to reach out when you need, or just to share your thoughts so they don’t break you down. I’m grateful for you, for your trust, for your honesty, for your bravery. But also so glad that you use this safety net that’s available for you right here. You are loved. You belong. No matter what.

I’m so sorry that your birthday was a time for feeling all of those things. That’s objectively a lot, and you made the right decision by sharing it. It’s just a lot to handle for only one person, no matter how strong they are.

So I asked for them back because since we werent talking and they seemed to shut me out of everything that it was best to ask what was mine back. They ended up calling me irrational and stuff. I have been trying to deal with that since they said it. I have already been in a place of dealing with stuff from them treating me like I was a bother and was hurt by that and now all of this stuff today really hurt me.

The way this person treated you is not fair. I don’t know how is your relationship with them (only what you shared here), so I don’t want to sound like I’m judging them in any way. But the elements you give here really display that this person has an unhealthy way to deal with conflicts: blocking you, ignoring you, blaming you. That’s not mature. And as much as it hurts, that is 100% on them right now. If something was bugging them, they should have talked to you in a calm and honest way. Even if it was to end a friendship.

I know from experience that people tend to avoid that kind of conversation because it is, indeed, uncomfortable. But it’s still immature to pretend that an issue can be solved through silence, rejection or putting the blame entirely on someone else. It’s just a way to put our head under the sand and avoid something we don’t want to address… I’m really sorry that you’ve received the consequences of that behavior on your end. That’s not loving, and you didn’t deserve to be treated like this. There can be a huge amount of love between two people, but it has to go along with respect and at least a certain amount of maturity for a relationship to function.

The friend called me irrational for asking for my stuff back yet it is my things and I have a right to get them back I loaned the stuff to them. Its not like I was asking for them in that exact moment or today but more just when they could get around to it. So now I feel like the bad guy for asking. I feel like I did wrong in asking.

You know, objectively, that you didn’t do anything wrong. And that person calling you irrational for this is really off-topic. I’m sure they don’t even realize that at this point it would be easier for them to give you back what belongs to you, so you could just both keep on living your own life. You weren’t wrong for asking them to return you this thing. Whether there’s an issue between you or not, it’s just a normal thing to ask to someone we know.

This friend had blocked me on a few forms of social media and I wasnt sure why. I have been trying to decide how to approach that and decided it had to be addressed since it felt like we both were kind of splitting apart.

I’m so sorry. It really hurts to be ghosted like this. I’ve been there too… and honestly I felt like shit. I had this weird sensation in my stomach almost everyday and couldn’t wonder what I did wrong for things to end this way. Even if I knew that the situation was beyond my control, that if this person really wanted for things to work between us they would have talked to me… I still looked after reasons to blame myself. And as someone who’s already quite insecure and feel like a burden all the time, the situation triggered some very painful thoughts and feelings too.

It’s really heartbreaking to be in this position. But I want you to know that this is not your fault. Again, I don’t know the issue behind. But what I do know is that the way we address an issue is still something in our control. The way we address an issue is a personal responsibility. And ghosting someone, as this person did, is not a mature or a constructive way to deal with a problem. It’s not your fault, Ash. This behavior is the reflection of their own limitations and insecurities, not you, not your worth, not your beautiful heart.

I have struggled to feel good enough to have needs and things that I need to take care of for me. Like why do I deserve people who care. The last few weeks have been even rougher on me because this was a close friend to me and it just felt like I was the burden to them and that maybe I ask to much of those around me.

Yea, it’s definitely the kind of situation that brings this whole package of painful thoughts about yourself. I feel for you. Know that none of this invalidates the beauty of your spirit. And I can testify because I see it here, in this community. I see how loving, generous and kind you are. I see how much of a blessing you are for the people who have the chance to know you. Sometimes, people give up on us while we really love them. It’s a real loss and a grief to process. But know that you still have a huge amount of friends and a chosen family who’ll keep reminding you of how beautiful you are. And those voices have to matter too, if not more than the silence of this friend who stopped talking to you.

You are not a burden. You are not dramatic. You are not irrational. You are truly beautiful as you are and no one can take that away from you. I’m sorry you were feeling that way during such as special day that is your birthday. But I’m also so very proud of you or allowing yourself to feel those things, just because it needs to be felt. You’re processing those emotions. You’re learning to make sense out of a situation that is, fundamentally, unfair.

Learning to love ourselves as much as we are able to love others is a long process. But we’re in this together friend. You’re not alone. And there is so, so much love for you right here, always.

Happy belated birthday dear Ash. I hope the tears dried. I see that you’ve been taking care of yourself since you’ve posted and that’s truly awesome. Keep it up. Keep being kind to yourself. In times of acute vulnerability, we need to take care of this sacred place that is our heart.

Sending hugs and love your way. Thinking of you today.