So I hate that I am posting this on a day that was suppose to be good stuff but it isnt ending up that way right now. I was hoping to enjoy my birthday but no I ended up hearing stuff that broke me. I official do not feel like going forward any more. I can hear everyone say things and I can hear them talk to me about stuff but I cant keep people. I cant get out of my own head that I am just not someone people can some how stay friends with. Someone I saw as a very very close friend and trusted deeply has basically left me high and dry. I had been giving them space as they had asked. Than was shown that they blocked me on facebook and stuff like that. I decided to ask them for somethings that are mine that I had let them barrow for their service dog in training because my dog wasnt using them currently but they had meaning to me. So I asked for them back because since we werent talking and they seemed to shut me out of everything that it was best to ask what was mine back. They ended up calling me irrational and stuff. I have been trying to deal with that since they said it. I have already been in a place of dealing with stuff from them treating me like I was a bother and was hurt by that and now all of this stuff today really hurt me. I wanted to have a wonderful day and try to be positive and stuff but instead I spend a good portion of my birthday crying and upset. I know I kind of had to take care of the situation but it was still hard on me. It has really brought up issues for me because I felt stuff was better than it was at the moment but I guess not. The friend called me irrational for asking for my stuff back yet it is my things and I have a right to get them back I loaned the stuff to them. Its not like I was asking for them in that exact moment or today but more just when they could get around to it. So now I feel like the bad guy for asking. I feel like I did wrong in asking. This friend had blocked me on a few forms of social media and I wasnt sure why. I have been trying to decide how to approach that and decided it had to be addressed since it felt like we both were kind of splitting apart. One of my other close friends had told me that what was going on wasnt the truth etc… As they had a different picture of it. I have spent most of my evening and day trying to not feel like I am not good enough for others. Which yes it has been one of my constant fears and stuff but I am trying to not get too caught up in that. I have struggled to feel good enough to have needs and things that I need to take care of for me. Like why do I deserve people who care. The last few weeks have been even rougher on me because this was a close friend to me and it just felt like I was the burden to them and that maybe I ask to much of those around me. Today some things that hadnt really crossed my mind since basically moving into the place I currently live came into my mind. I was deeply struggling to feel like I even deserved to be here because why would people continually hurt me like this. My best friend basically told me I am not good enough for them because I am irrational. I was not okay earlier. Thankfully I reached out to my therapist and a few people I am near and dear friends with and they helped me realize the thoughts arent good ones and I was able to calm down from that mountain my mind was feeding me. It was really hard on me. Basically made today even harder then it has been in the past and I kind of still want to just be a ball and not have issues what so ever but at this point they cant be helped. I am trying to chill and calm down before I go about addressing how I feel right now. But I knew there is only one group that I feel even remotely connected too and that is here. I try so much to love others and care about them as much as I need for me. And this is just not easy for me at all. I struggle to feel good enough for you all and I struggle to feel like I am not just this huge clingy burden people make me out to be. I have been trying to be okay mostly alone in my area because I really only have one good friend here and I rarely do stuff with them. I would like to be able to go out and help others but currently I cant because of covid. Maybe soon. The only idea I have right now is to find where I belong in other ways. I am glad I have my dogs and the few people I have right now.
If you made it through my very confusing post to here thank you. My mind is all over the place and I just dont want to sort it out as I will break down if I do that. I am holding onto somethings tho. Thanks again and sorry this is just lots.