Things are always bad. Always have been

I write this here because I’ve been on a 30 day social media detox and I can’t write this anywhere else. I feel as if lately I am loosing my mind. Can’t use another hospitalization. To add another to 6 already. I’ve got some stuff going on in my life. My mom is going through cancer I am the only son and it feels I am using all I have in me to hold her up with all the brokenness to bring me to where I am. I can’t help but being agitated at my work , menards. I am under stress and I always feel terrible dealing with customers. I seem to be having panic attacks as I go to sleep and insomnia when I wake up in the night. I can’t live with this all my life. I feel like a rat. I’m sick of having suicidal thoughts even when things are going okay and being in the grey area . Meanwhile trying to let go of co dependancy in relationships is tough. Losing my mom would be terrible because she saved my life when I was 16 with cpr because I overdosed. I’m almost 5 years clean , 20 years old now. The place where I live is a Dutch place. Holland Michigan. And even the fact of bullying in my childhood makes it pretty damn hard to socialize with anyone. Even though my confidence has gotten better because I’ve lost 32 pounds I can’t seem to get any sleep lately. Help. Am I loosing my mind. Seems like every heavy metal band song about going through shit is my life . Feels like every broken heart story is how my life has been. I hate the snow. I hate dealing with pay that is such crap. Am I the only one that dreams of touring in this conservative city. I can’t help but fear that if something happened to my mom I’d be homeless she has cervical cancer. Then I could really be at the verge of suicide. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

1 Like

From: ladytapioca

This gets to me a lot. I had to take care of my mother for 8 years and it didn’t help when i was already spiraling down into depression. I felt so hopeless and I honestly gave up on a lot of my dreams. I had a day when reality hit me and I wanted to be free from it, so I had to have that hard talk with mom about how I couldn’t take care of her anymore. I know you can get through this friend, I believe in you. Hold Fast.

From: collarfullofpanic

Hey Friend, we love you. You’re a very motivated person and you are strong enough to get through this! Believe in you, Hold Fast!

From: kayla1508

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this stuff. But look at where you are. I’ve been clean from opiates for 18 months, and 5 years STILL seems like a crazy long time. AND you’re doing it while suicidal and caring for your sick mum. Find some rest time for you, lean on people who love you - there’s a community of them here <3

wow you unpackaged a lot and its clear to see why you feel this way. While we both know we cant change the circumstances life has sometimes i do feel that its entirely up to us to make the right decisions in response to those situations. Your life has value and meaning which your mother obviously knew. You deserve to live a life of victory and love. We here are definitely in your corner and ready to help support you in these hard times. Learning to be social can be hard but again we can start here. I really want to encourage you to practice good habits for responding to difficulties to build that healthy resilience. start with little things that make you mad and make a conscious effort to tell your thoughts “no” and that you are in control. stay in contact please we care about you.

Hey @Batmacisrad123. We covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream. Here’s the live video response:

Hold Fast