So I’ve been isolating myself to keep from causing more harm and my mind is just drifting into terrible thoughts. I’ve been feeling anywhere from numb to angry to sad. I’m sad I’m not getting better, angry at the fact that despite efforts I keep ending up in the same place. I feel like I’m dead but alive at the same time. Keeping from people who care I know is not helping, but I’m tired of causing problems. I can’t kill myself because it would cause more problems and hurt. In my mind, its more comforting to those who care that I still be alive, albeit un-involved in anything. I hate this. I hate what life has come to. I hate that for the better part of a decade I’ve been a waste of space and burden to others. Waking up is disappointing, sleeping is my only solace. I can’t fix this, I can’t fix me. At some point I lost faith in God’s ability to change things for me, to help me be better. But I do believe He can work in others. Its stupid. I feel like I’m failing in every area and doubting God’s power to do a work in me that’ll change things has been the straw that broke the camel’s back. I feel unreachable and I’ve given up on myself. Isolation has seemed the only solution to keep this in. But I can’t keep it in…things are getting so messed up in my head. Idk what I need, but I just want to feel better and stop these thoughts. There’s only so many shows and games I can dive into before the thoughts are back.
How frustrating, how debilitating… I’m sorry that you are going through this experience, seemingly alone… by choice or otherwise.
All of those feelings, the numbness/anger/sadness/“dead but not alive”, sound like you are in a deep dark funk and/or depression, if you want to call it that. You feel trapped too because even your ultimate out in suicide it is not an option because you do not want to hurt people even more. Which speaks to your character as a human being and your amazing heart.
You are not a waste of space. I believe that everyone brings something to the world - what that is often really hard to see given the funk, but its there. Sometimes we need others to help us draw that out and that’s what we are here - helping you see through that funk and finding some validity again.
Regarding God, doesn’t He put you on a path - and put things in your path - to effect you and guide you… towards His final destination that’s been preordained? Therefore, He purposely placed these things for you along the ‘divine plan’ that was laid out. God does not change things for you - but will put things there for you to change, somehow. How is always tricky, especially in the realm of mental health and/or trauma but, we need to find a way. Another way of looking at it is that the ‘plan’ is really just free will set in motion we are all just “sea monkeys”… ushered along a path at the dawn of time.
What you believe is your concern - how we can work on this today, in the here and now is ours. <3
We know that isolating and sleeping is comfortable, a fortress of solitude if you will, but it’s not helpful for your overall mental health and keeping you in this world. We’re left with a few options - break out of that solitude or remain.
You sound like you recognize that though and are here with us for a reason.
Typical solutions are…
- Therapy, are you seeing anyone right now?
- Medications, are you taking anything? Is that an option?
- Lifestyle changes.
I’m happy talk about this further and post more. Thank you for being so brave and posting your story. I’m a mental health professional and twitch streamer and we picked your post tonight to discuss.
Thank you Dr. D,
I got up and out of bed today, and at a reasonable hour. I do feel somewhat better today, which is an improvement in the last week. I am taking steps today to handle some things so that I can be seen tomorrow (hopefully I can muster up the motivation to actually go), to get back on mental health medications and get set up with a counselor. That has been my biggest hurdle for months now. I lost my counselor and doctor within a few months of each other last year because of an insurance glitch and things just got out of control for me. The longer time has gone on, the worse I got and the anxiety to go to the mental health urgent care my hospital has has been overwhelming. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply to my post. Any further advice is welcome and I appreciate you and this community very much.
Hey, love you. I believe in you.