I am at a crossroad that is a complete clusterf-ck! I have been achieving every goal I put my mind to. My car is in my name and I have a license. I am now officially working from home and transitioning my children back home. I am super settled into the new house and loving it every day that I awake. I even started doing DoorDash in my free time for additional income so I feel comfortable about making rent. Last two court dates coming up and no longer will be on probation as of March 23. Going to expunge the charge and clearing the debts messing with my credit score. Everything is absolutely fantastic, but…
But I have been having a lot more panic attack. Afraid I won’t make rent no matter how much I work and even knowing I’ve made it happen twice already. I am panicked that I am going to get fired for a huge mistake I made at work even though everyone stated it would be fine because I am too valuable, and they’ll defend me to keep me on board. I am afraid I am going to have a car accident that will total my car even when I am practicing safe driving and have insurance. I am freaked out that I will end up on probation even longer although my release is well earned. Everything is freaking me the f-ck out!!!
I’ve been craving alcohol, but I know better. At this point I know it would do me justice to go to AA whether it’s virtual or in person, but each time I think about joining/going, My heart drops about the number of people that’ll be there even knowing COVID procedures. I have the worst social (generalized) anxiety that it has gotten to the point of panic attacks just thinking about doing it. I try to keep busy, but my anxiety is getting to me even then.
I don’t understand because I am taking my meds, I am going to every therapy and psychiatric appointment. I am happy and depressed all at once, but meds are being taken. The only thing I know must be counteracting with my medication is the fact that I smoke marijuana occasionally. I know I am not supposed to with Lithuim, but it calms me a lot better than my anxiety medicine does and helps me sleep a lot better than my 100mg of Seroquil (which I am bewildered to find out is NOT for sleep)!!! I’m on more anti-psychotic drugs than I originally thought!!! So why am I so worked up?! why is my chest tight even now?!
Disclaimer: I was experiencing this all before I started smoking marijuana again. I haven’t smoked in years and don’t do it often because, for so many reason, I am just not supposed to.
First I want to congratulate you on all of these huge achievements!! You’ve accomplished so much and worked so very hard for every bit of it! So glad to hear it friend!
I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing more panic attacks recently though. Those truly take everything out of you and having so many so frequently definitely takes its toll. If you think about it, you’ve had to be in a sort of survival mode for a long time trying to balance everything you’ve been working towards. So to finally have it all come to fruition and to be able to be at a more secure place is a pretty big adjustment. I wonder if because you have had to kind of be on edge for so long to make things work and balance everything, that you’re kind of still in that mode just because it’s what you’ve been used to? Plus finally achieving what you’ve wanted for so long it makes sense as to why you would have anxiety about it suddenly being taken away somehow. These things are so important to you and you’ve worked so hard for them, but it sounds like for every anxiety you are experiencing you have a rationalization for why it wouldn’t happen and that is great! So I would encourage you to remember those assurances when you start to feel those anxieties surface.
I feel like anxiety is more complex than many people think because we can do everything we are supposed to and sometimes still feel panic and anxiety. However, I don’t think that means your efforts are for nothing. I think its still very important to stick with the medications, therapy and psychiatric appointments. I don’t think working towards better mental health is a linear process so there will be times where you may feel like you’ve taken 10 steps back but I think that is ok because at the end of the day you’re still committed to working on yourself and working towards growth and healing and with time that growth will surely follow!
Thank you so much. Everything you said makes since and I didn’t even realize I rationalized everything because I was focused on the foreboding. I’ll have definitely afraid of the fact that I may lose everything I worked hard for and it has no off switch lately. But at this very moment, it’s off because watching my twins eat cereal at their toddler table, my oldest upstairs homeschooling, and my work station looking fantastic, I’m confident that I will always find a way survive no matter what my fears are telling me.
Of course! Anxiety is made up of a lot of what if’s and it can be so very hard to shut off but it sounds like you have some really wonderful things in your life like your children to help ground you and give you that power to fight that anxiety back and to let you know everything truly is ok and you can absolutely survive no matter what!! Much love my friend!
