I am at a crossroad that is a complete clusterf-ck! I have been achieving every goal I put my mind to. My car is in my name and I have a license. I am now officially working from home and transitioning my children back home. I am super settled into the new house and loving it every day that I awake. I even started doing DoorDash in my free time for additional income so I feel comfortable about making rent. Last two court dates coming up and no longer will be on probation as of March 23. Going to expunge the charge and clearing the debts messing with my credit score. Everything is absolutely fantastic, but…
But I have been having a lot more panic attack. Afraid I won’t make rent no matter how much I work and even knowing I’ve made it happen twice already. I am panicked that I am going to get fired for a huge mistake I made at work even though everyone stated it would be fine because I am too valuable, and they’ll defend me to keep me on board. I am afraid I am going to have a car accident that will total my car even when I am practicing safe driving and have insurance. I am freaked out that I will end up on probation even longer although my release is well earned. Everything is freaking me the f-ck out!!!
I’ve been craving alcohol, but I know better. At this point I know it would do me justice to go to AA whether it’s virtual or in person, but each time I think about joining/going, My heart drops about the number of people that’ll be there even knowing COVID procedures. I have the worst social (generalized) anxiety that it has gotten to the point of panic attacks just thinking about doing it. I try to keep busy, but my anxiety is getting to me even then.
I don’t understand because I am taking my meds, I am going to every therapy and psychiatric appointment. I am happy and depressed all at once, but meds are being taken. The only thing I know must be counteracting with my medication is the fact that I smoke marijuana occasionally. I know I am not supposed to with Lithuim, but it calms me a lot better than my anxiety medicine does and helps me sleep a lot better than my 100mg of Seroquil (which I am bewildered to find out is NOT for sleep)!!! I’m on more anti-psychotic drugs than I originally thought!!! So why am I so worked up?! why is my chest tight even now?!
Disclaimer: I was experiencing this all before I started smoking marijuana again. I haven’t smoked in years and don’t do it often because, for so many reason, I am just not supposed to.