My mom dropped it on me that I cannot be in my zoom NA support meetings after hours after 10, because of my sister. This pissed me off and I automatically wanted to go and use drugs/prescription pills again I wanted to fuck up my sobriety so bad because I need all the support that I can get. They are my family now. They support me all the way, and what my mom said hit me hard. I just want to relapse so damn hard but I called my sponsor up and she made me promise to not hurt myself. I just don’t know if I can stay clean now with me not being able to see my group after hours… they are my family now. Not the family I have. I am so upset my sister told on me I told her I was sorry and now I have to suffer. I am so pissed and I want to… end it all.
Hey there,
Thank you for being here and sharing this. I cannot imagine how hard that was to hear, especially since your group is such a huge support and family to you. That took tremendous courage to stay strong and not relapse when you wanted to most. That is something to recognize because it shows just how strong you are. I can see there is a lot of anger surrounding this and I don’t blame you.
Emotions are there for a reason, but what we do with them is important. Remember that even though you wanted to relapse you didn’t. You reached out to your sponsor instead and found support through her. You also are feeling like you want to end it all, but you came here and shared what you’ve been experiencing which is so wonderful because you do not need to carry this weight all by yourself. You have a community here who not only believe in you, but care for you so very much! You are stronger than you think and loved more than you know.
Hold fast my friend, we believe in you.
Hannah Rhodes
Thanks, I got into another dispute with my mom tonight I tried to resolve it with her and then she brought up the film school, and so she then said either drop out or go to Jr.College and I said I wouldn’t so I Almost relapsed three times tonight and almost did end it. I cried and cried and was in huge emotional distress and I just wish that my sister never said anything. I am distressed right now and am feeling a huge heavy weight on me. My mom blames me and each time we fight I get emotionally distressed and I want to go and look for pills and overdose on them and just end it all so I don’t have to deal with them anymore. Then they both will feel sorry for what they said. Tonight was not the night I almost killed myself through any type of pills or through cutting. I am struggling going through the withdrawals. I almost relapsed fot three nights now, so it has been very hard for me. I wish it would be easy for me. My mom just doesn’t understand my situation and now I have been kicked out of my only family who understands what I am going through. My mom doesn’t know that I relapsed twice and I’m addicted to drugs, so it’s hard to not tell her .
It sounds like you’re trying so hard to fight against such a strong current. I can’t imagine how exhausting and distressing that must be. Having blame placed on you during an argument makes communication that much more difficult I’m sure. Know that you are so brave for continuing to fight and resist the pills and not going through with your plan. That is nothing short of courageous.
I am sorry this is something you are having to battle right now. It sounds like it has been such a hard season for you lately. Plus with the way conversations with your mom seem to go, I can imagine it would be very hard to be open with her about your addiction.
Do you know if there are any other options to where you could get connected with a group earlier in the day so you could at least have some more support and so it wouldn’t have to be late at night?
yes there are, I am busy on some time schedules though so it is hard. I wish things seemed easier for me. Today… my friend said something mean to me so I was considering it… overdosing on pills and ending the sobriety so it’s that hard
That’s so hard when time schedules don’t line up. That has to be so very frustrating and defeating. However, that is good to know that if your schedule changes there are options! But until you’re able to join a day group, what was the most helpful support your NA group was able to give you? Maybe we can talk through some possible alternatives that can help you when you are struggling but aren’t able to speak with them?
That’s cool I don’t really consider them family anymore. My mom and sis. They are always treating me like they’re not respecting me. I’ve had it.
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