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Things have gotten worse

Nothing is getting better. I have tried everything I could possibly think of to help take my mind off things. I have tried talking to friends, parents, therapist, I have written my feelings down, I have listened to music and nothing is helping. It has been half a year since my sister died and everyone is acting like it’s normal and everything is fine. I have still been cutting up my wrist. I have tried to commit suicide twice since the accident. All I do is cry and feel numb all the time. I can’t keep living like this knowing that the last thing I told her was the rudest thing ever. I just want to die so I can be with her forever. Every night has been nothing but crying over her and self harming and thinking about ways I could end it. I can’t do this any longer. I’m not okay and I will never be okay.

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Your sister would not want nothing more than you to continue surviving. You can honor her through living your life to the fullest. I can guarantee the last thing you said to her is not the way she remembers you best.
Helping others and fulfilling your dreams and most importantly being happy is how you can stay connected with her.

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Losing loved ones is so hard. I’m very sorry about the loss of your sister.

Grief is different for everyone. We all need to cope in our own ways and take different amounts of time to heal. And that’s okay.

But friend, suicide and self harm is not the answer. And I’m sure your sister wouldn’t want to see you hurt yourself either.

Love it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to need time to heal. It’s okay to grieve. I know therapy is probably very hard when grieving but I encourage you to keep talking to someone. Whether it’s sticking to therapy, a loved one or a friend. I know it may feel like it’s not helping but it’s better to connect to those you can trust than to isolate and bottle up all of these intense emotions

I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain. I wish I had more words to wrap around you and make it feel better. Just know that you are loved and valued here. You are among friends. I hope that you’re able to find that healing sweet friend.

hugs

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Hi @Bandfreak03,

You will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like this right now, even if it won’t be the same as before. You’ll be able to smile again, to not feel that pain all the time without feeling like you would betray your sister. What you’re feeling right now will be different. It will make a way for the pride of having such a wonderful sister and holding her in your heart.

It is such a long journey. You have all the right to feel how you feel. It’s difficult to find that balance between taking your mind off your pain and being aware of it so you can keep moving on. I remember what you shared in an other post some time ago. I’m sorry that it doesn’t get better yet. Sorry you are still hurting in such an acute way.

Friend, I know it’s really hard to hear this when you are missing someone you love, but be patient. As much as you can. With yourself, with your pain. You are doing the right things: crying, as exhausting as it is, remains healthy. Talking with your beloved ones and a therapist, writing things down. Keep doing this, as much possible. Keep chosing this rather than hurting yourself. I know it feels like it produces no effects at all, like it’s useless, like you’re running in the same circle again and again. But it is never useless to let out, in a healthy way, whatever thoughts, feelings, emotions you could have. Regardless of how many times you have to do that.

I can’t keep living like this knowing that the last thing I told her was the rudest thing ever.

It is obvious that you and your sister were close to each other. That there was, and is, so much love between you two. You’re still holding that love. And even if I didn’t know her, I’m sure she knew that.

I know we can dive so easily in thoughts such as “I should have/I shouldn’t have…”, “If only I said/didn’t say…”. Maybe the lastest thing you said was rude, yes. But you know, even in the most loving relationships, sometimes, there are moments of arguments, moments when we say things that we don’t really mean. It can happen to anyone. And it doesn’t change the love that is already there. Please, try to push back that urge to blame yourself for what you said. You have regrets and I understand that. But don’t be too hard on yourself. You only need love and kindess right now. :heart:

It has been half a year since my sister died and everyone is acting like it’s normal and everything is fine.

I see what you mean. This has been one of my biggest struggles when I was grieving someone dear to my heart. It felt like the world kept going on like nothing while I was feeling like my entire world just collapsed. It was like being a stranger to others, but not in a visible way. Like time just stopped yet it was still running out for others.

Of course everything is not fine when you are missing someone you love. But we all go through that process differently. Temporality is just different for everyone when we lose someone. There are ups and downs, and it’s hard to know what others are feeling or thinking. You can take your time. You don’t have to rush anything, even if sometimes there’s a pressure around us to be okay “as soon as possible”. Grieving takes time. Healing takes time. It’s okay.

You don’t deserve any of those scars. Keep reaching out, friend. Keep sharing. Even about self-harming, even about your suicide attemps. I know it can be scary and uncomfortable, but there’s nothing wrong to let your beloved ones know that if it’s not the case already. You already managed to be self-harm free before, and I believe in you to overcome this sooner or later. If there is a moment when you’re not safe again, please reach out to your family, friends, or call a crisis line:

I know how tempting is the idea to be with the person you are missing. But your sister is already right here with you. In your heart, in your mind, through that pain you are expressing, which is the other side of the love that you have for her. Hold on to that love, friend. As much as possible. Your sister would only want the best for you, nothing less. And here we want you to be safe. Hang in there. :heart:

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