This is more or less just to get my thoughts on paper so to speak. Not looking for anything in particular other than my own reflection on the past year or so.
Having Kiera for me has been a really long, hard, stressful, eye opening, roller-coaster of a ride. And its forced me to come to terms with some things, put my foot down and realize that I’m not superhuman.
Being a mom is hard when you’re an empath. I’ve gone into this is a past thread so I’m not going to go into it again. I know that no mom likes to hear her baby cry, but it’s really hard for me. Seeing anyone cry hurts me but seeing her cry, even over the stupid little things babies cry about is a lot for me. I have to literally walk away or put on headphones until she throws her tantrum. On the other hand, after she had her g-tube surgery, listening to her hoarse little cry, scared and hurting and me not able to pick her up and comfort her. That was so bad. And I know there will be times on the future when she makes a bad decision or has her 1st breakup, etc, and she will cry and I will probably cry with her.
But at the same time, I’ve seen her overcome her Noonan Syndrome setbacks by starting to eat by mouth, learning to communicate, very nearing nailing the sitting thing and now she’s starting to pull up on things. She has the most adorable little smile and she does this thing where she turns to head to the side and looks at you with a cheeky grin that makes me laugh every time. She is excited to see me in the morning and we look forward to hugs.
And it has helped put things in perspective. I started setting firm boundaries. I stopped enabling my brother. I stopped putting up with my mother’s abusive words. I gained my father’s respect. I learned that my boss has my back in my chaotic life, from finding my father in law dead in his apartment to an unplanned emergency c-section, all of Kiera’s appointments and therapies, etc. I’m so thankful for that. And in spite of it all, I’ve managed to continually do exceedingly well at work.
Probably most importantly, I think it’s finally gotten through my skull that I can’t do everything.
My Cerebral Palsy has shown me the consequences of being pushed and having pushed myself to my limit all of my life until now. I’ve talked with others with the condition and mid 20s-30s is when most of them start to really feel it, and especially when they had pushed themselves too hard. Notably, many of them don’t have kids because of how hard it is on them and their bodies. Which I get. I’m wrecked after the pregnancy/c-section/sepsis. I feel like my tendons are being stretched beyond their range simply by straightening my legs or sleeping on my side. My muscles have painful spasms and are weaker now than they used to be. Thankfully my doctor is finally working with me to get treatment.
All things said, I look forward to Kiera’s 1st birthday on February 15. I’m glad she’ll actually be able to eat cake. I look forward to continuing to watch her grow and learn. I’m glad I’m learning to say no. Putting me and my immediate family 1st. Learning to take it easy on myself.
Krymmenos
I’m glad to hear that despite your struggles, you’re resilient and taking care of another life to make sure she gets the best care she can in life.