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Things keep getting worse. Officially in crisis. Please respond. I’m desperate

I’m so fucked.

In addition to struggling with the grief of losing my fiancé, a battle with the worst bout of depression I’ve ever experienced, and trying to get sober and disconnect myself from weed entirely, I just got another reason to add to the pile of why suicide is valid.

So I have my ESA. Her name is Stella. My ex has our other dog we adopted; Maya. Well, there’s a third dog. My childhood dog. An 11 year old Boston terrier named CJ. CJ stayed with my ex and I for a while, but eventually having two big puppies around started making him miserable. So we decided to let him stay at my childhood home with my mom. Things were good for him.

Just found out he has a life threatening hernia. He can’t control his bladder. He can’t take a shit without experiencing intense agony. The surgery is gonna cost anywhere from 1500-1700 dollars. It’s either that, or put him down. And the surgery isn’t even a guarantee. Putting him down will still be on the table.

I was trying to move out of my shit hole apartment that my ex and I lived in together. The one she decorated. The one we made memories in, and now those memories are painful as fuck so naturally I wanna move out.

Well, can’t afford moving out AND surgery. So surgery it is.

Life just keeps adding things to the pile. I have no idea how I’m gonna get through this. I have no idea how this can ever get better. I’m so tired of hurting. It’s just not fucking fair. It’s NOT FAIR. Why me…and why my little buddy CJ…he was always there for me growing up, more than anyone else ever was…and now his life is on the line, and it’s either drop that money and save him or move out and save me…

Obviously I’m gonna do the right thing. I’m gonna get him the surgery. But I think if I stay here another month, I’ll be dead.

It hurts, everyone. Life hurts. Life just keeps giving me reasons to let it all go and say to hell with it. It just keeps getting worse, despite any and all of my efforts to make things better. Things completely out of my control keep coming to absolutely wipe me out. Over. And over. And fucking over again.

Where do I even begin…

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@connerm1219

I’m so sorry that you’re going thru all this shit. It’s hard, but you know what? Not being here for Stella or giving up on the potential of you and your fiance reconciling is what you’re giving up if you listen to the lies your head is telling you.

Is that what you really want?

When we are in a state of crisis we don’t look at how our actions will effect the people we love. We are only focused on getting rid of our pain. We don’t think about the pain and suffering we’ll put our loved ones thru.

I’m only saying these things because I’ve been thru this several times and I know.

If you do not feel safe right now, get yourself to the ER and tell them. We love you and care about your safety. :hrtlegolove:

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No it isn’t what I want…I just want things to get better…

I’m not gonna act on any of these thoughts, I promise.

I’m gonna go to my mom’s house. Try and spend some time with my dog.

I’m sorry I’ve always got another reason to bitch and moan and complain…this is just so hard…all of it…

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I know how overwhelming life can get when you’re already dealing with mental challenges, trust me. We accept you here and you don’t have to apologize for anything. You should see some of my posts!

I think it’s a great idea that you hang out with your mother today. Distraction and support is needed right now. If you feel safe enough to talk to her is that something you would consider?

Also, Stella is there for support. Let her support you and love you too!

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Honestly, she’s the type to hear me say how I’m struggling with my mental health, and turn it around on me. How it’s all her fault. Stuff like that. It just isn’t helpful.

We can definitely grieve for my dog, and feel sad about it together. But in terms of my mental health, it tends not to go well.

She knows full well how I am mentally. Knows I struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction, etc.

It’s just when I bring those sorts of issues up, she can’t stay focused on me. She wants it to be about how she’s failed as a mom. And that just isn’t helpful for anybody.

It sucks to go through what your going through. But suicide isnt the only option, You can survive from this. I dont have any advice but at least i have encouraging words.

Yeah that’s not helpful. Is there anyone else you can talk to? If not we are here to talk to.

That’s her struggle. As a mother I feel her, because when our child struggles in life we blame ourselves for doing something wrong. It’s a valid emotion she is having and I don’t think minimizing it’s value helps either.

It doesn’t help either that we don’t receive the support we expect from someone like family, but the reality is… everyone has their own demons and things they have to deal with as well, not just us. Putting unrealistic expectations on people isn’t fair and I do it all the time. We have to recognize what the other person is going thru and have compassion for that too, but we forget because we are so focused on our own pain.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

I mean I’ll be at work for most of the day today, unfortunately. Not a lot of talking to be had with my coworkers, at least not about something so heavy. Heartsupport it is, I guess.

That’s totally fair. Just blinded by my own pain, I guess. This is all so hard.

I’ve calmed down somewhat. Spent a bit of time with CJ and my mom. She just held me while I cried, for a good hour and a half or so. She had apparently called my ex earlier in the morning, letting her know about CJ. My ex took just as much care of him as I did, so honestly that seemed like a courteous thing to do. My ex told my mom she would give me a call at some point today. I’m not holding out hope for it.

I’m not feeling quite as overwhelmed at this moment. More so just exhausted…I’m not sure where to go from here. Missing my ex sucks. Beyond sucks. But this stuff with my little buddy…? An innocent old dog who was there for me literally during my one and only suicide attempt when I was 14…? He doesn’t deserve it. But it doesn’t matter what I think he deserves. That’s life.

I’m not sure what to do with my feelings right now…I felt so overwhelmed earlier that now it’s almost like I feel nothing at all…it’s almost a relief.

I’ll just keep posting on this thread whenever I get to feeling shitty again. Thank y’all for being here for me.

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Trust me, I get like that all the time, but it helps when someone reminds me that I’m not the only one who is hurting.

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I commend you for using the funds for the doggy, and I really hope he’s gonna be okay and recover well. I know this means you’ll be staying in the same apartment for a bit longer. I really am going out on a limb here with this suggestion, and please forgive me if it sounds naive! Would slapping some paint in a super different colour and moving all the furniture help at all? I know being in a place with so many memories is hard, but I’ve always thought that changing up the flow of things and the look of it can help interrupt the constant memories because it gets a bit harder to recreate the memories when things are physically altered. It worked for me, but I know not everyone may have the same reaction.

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Thank ya for the helpful suggestion. I can probably rearrange where the bed is at the least. Truth be told, I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything at all. I eat once a day if I’m feeling stable. I’ve got a pile of laundry waiting to be done. Hell, some nights I get home from work and just go straight to bed, no shower or anything. Makes me sound gross, I know. My point is just that like…painting the apartment sounds like climbing a mountain. And I’m sure it would help, it’s a good idea. I just don’t feel like I have the energy, ya know…?

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Little steps, @connerm1219. I am not in your situation specifically, but I’ve been battling depression for a while and it mostly looks like what you just described. Being aware (too aware) of the things that needs to be done and are piling up, of the things that could actually make us feel better and do good, but also feeling just empty of energy. When this kind of wall appears, it’s really important to focus on really smal steps. Reading two pages of a book is better than zero. Waking up but still wearing pyjamas will make you feel better than staying in bed. Making one pile of clothes, even without doing the laundry the same day, is better than nothing as it would make your space less cluttered. Putting water on your face and washing your hands is a win even if it’s not a shower yet.

Take it easy. Think really small and take the time to celebrate each step. You don’t need to do ten things a day. Focus on one, whether as a small task or for a very limited time. Little by little, you’ll often notice that it creates some flow that you want to keep up longer than you expected.

Your priority right now are your basic needs: sleep, eating, moving a little. I would encourage you to focus on those ones for you, one by one. You don’t have to do it all perfectly at once. Make your life as simple as possible if you’re running out of energy. It’s okay. :hrtlegolove:

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So, a small update. My ex and I talked for a good thirty minutes or so today. Her mom, a teacher at a local school, had a panic attack and had to be rushed to a hospital. She’s totally alright now, but it was quite a scare for both her and for my ex.

We talked about CJ. She told me she’s behind me 100% regardless of whether surgery or putting him down is best for him.

And this is where it gets interesting. We have a ‘date.’ I’m hesitant to call it that for fear of getting ahead of myself. We’re gonna take the dogs to the local park. And if the weather doesn’t permit for that (local weather is real stormy, probably will be for the next week or so), she outright suggested we could go get lunch somewhere. It’ll be next Wednesday. So eight days from now.

I’m trying to remain grounded, and not let my expectations get out of control. But this is the most positive news I’ve had in the last few months. If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, or advice, even if it’s harsh or hard for me to hear, I am absolutely open to it.

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I’m glad you had some support regarding doggo with her. I hear you, it can be difficult to do anything when you’re low. And the worst thing is being overwhelmed with too much to do. But a tiny tiny change is better than not doing a big change. Painting is a big task, it is true. But any little bit will help you. If you can afford some new sheets (discounted or thrifted even), that would help too. Something new, something that’s just yours