I’m so fucked.
In addition to struggling with the grief of losing my fiancé, a battle with the worst bout of depression I’ve ever experienced, and trying to get sober and disconnect myself from weed entirely, I just got another reason to add to the pile of why suicide is valid.
So I have my ESA. Her name is Stella. My ex has our other dog we adopted; Maya. Well, there’s a third dog. My childhood dog. An 11 year old Boston terrier named CJ. CJ stayed with my ex and I for a while, but eventually having two big puppies around started making him miserable. So we decided to let him stay at my childhood home with my mom. Things were good for him.
Just found out he has a life threatening hernia. He can’t control his bladder. He can’t take a shit without experiencing intense agony. The surgery is gonna cost anywhere from 1500-1700 dollars. It’s either that, or put him down. And the surgery isn’t even a guarantee. Putting him down will still be on the table.
I was trying to move out of my shit hole apartment that my ex and I lived in together. The one she decorated. The one we made memories in, and now those memories are painful as fuck so naturally I wanna move out.
Well, can’t afford moving out AND surgery. So surgery it is.
Life just keeps adding things to the pile. I have no idea how I’m gonna get through this. I have no idea how this can ever get better. I’m so tired of hurting. It’s just not fucking fair. It’s NOT FAIR. Why me…and why my little buddy CJ…he was always there for me growing up, more than anyone else ever was…and now his life is on the line, and it’s either drop that money and save him or move out and save me…
Obviously I’m gonna do the right thing. I’m gonna get him the surgery. But I think if I stay here another month, I’ll be dead.
It hurts, everyone. Life hurts. Life just keeps giving me reasons to let it all go and say to hell with it. It just keeps getting worse, despite any and all of my efforts to make things better. Things completely out of my control keep coming to absolutely wipe me out. Over. And over. And fucking over again.
Where do I even begin…