Hey Sapphire, I’m sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Thank you for keeping us posted and I’m so sorry that things have been getting worse.
How is Kiera going now? I hope that your doctor or the hospital staff will be able to give you some idea of how to prevent that tube pulling. I know, it’s another thing to have to do. With all the other things going on I know every extra thing is a lot.
I’m glad your manager understands! That’s a big boon. Some time to regroup can make a huge difference, it’s really valuable that your manager was able to understand that.
I can tell how much this is all weighing on you. It’s just so much to deal with. When things feel impossible just remember that every small step is still a step, and pausing isn’t a terrible thing either. When you don’t have time for dinner, getting anything in your stomach at all is a big thing.
I don’t know how much your financial situation could allow this, your husband did take on the extra work specifically to help with that, but handling work and caring for Kiera on your own is a gigantic load to bear without him there to help. It’s just so much, even with two people it would be immensely difficult. Do you think this could be worked out in a different way, so he’ll be around more? If not I just hope you two can be there for each other. Is there anyone else you could ask for help, too? Even so you can unwind for as little as an hour, that may be able to help.
I don’t have big answers, I just hope you know that we’re here for you. This will not last forever. You’re doing so well by just surviving right now. Don’t give up on yourself, you can make it. I’ll be here, keep letting me know how you’re doing.
My husband didn’t choose to work more for money sake, his job is forcing more work on him against his will. If we didn’t need the money I would’ve let him quit a long time ago. As long as he has an income we should be fine but no new job is going to work with him around Kieras needs like this job does so he chose to stay.
Kieras tube didn’t bleed today but she’s been pretty fussy. She may have a tooth coming in.
My stomach is killing me thanks to my ulcers… the anxiety probably isn’t helping.
Edit: I got maybe an hour of sleep last night because my stomach was hurting so bad. I texted my manager last night to say I may not work today but I am going to try. I have some meetings I need to be present for this morning and then I might clock out after.
That’s awful! I’m sorry Sapphire. I can’t believe they’d do that, knowing about Kiera and how much you need your husband at home too. Is this going to go on for long?
I’m happy to hear this small bit of good news. Little by little you’re all making it through.
I’m so sorry about your ulcers, I know how disabling they can be when they’re really bad. I hope that whether you worked today or not that you’re taking care of yourself however you can. Any tiny bit of stress reduced can have a huge impact when things are so tough like this. You mentioned a doctor’s appointment coming up in a few weeks, is there any chance that could be brought forward? This sounds like something that should be treated, for your own relief.
You’re doing so well Sapphire. Things are borderline impossible right now but you’re still surviving and I think that is a miracle. Keep pushing, I know things can get better.
My husband’s work is going to stay like this as far as we know.
I worked 3 hours or so today and then asked to leave because I was having a really hard time staying awake and my stomach still hurt. I ended up sleeping on and off for the next 6 hours, making sure to tend to Kiera of course.
I wasn’t able to eat anything until a few hours ago.
My doctor has tried to treat my ulcers before and it didn’t work very long. But I do want to look into it more. Another doctor I saw while pregnant seemed pretty worried about them but wanted to wait until Kiera was born to move forward. My PCP doesn’t seem to want to look into it too much.
Why did I have to have special needs daughter? She deserves better than me. I don’t have the patience to do this. It’s too much. In the past week I’ve had 3 crying spells because this is so fucking hard. I wish I could just fix her. I wish I could afford a babysitter. I wish I wouldn’t get so irritated. I just want to give up.
Don’t give up. Sometimes God sends us blessings in disguise. We don’t know what they are until it is time for us to know. But I pray that you and your family will heal and get well.
Hi Sapphire, You have so much to deal with friend, I cannot even imagine how you ever find the time to do anything. Life has thrown so much at you and I often wonder how it happens that occasionally you see one person that gets a shed load of heaviness come their way and the next person seems to float through life seemingly without a care in the world and it all seems incredibly unfair,
Saying that
if this little one needed to be born to someone, I cannot imagine a more amazing person to be born to. As hard as it is, as trust me I know that I cant even begin to know how hard you have to work it is beyond comprehension. One thing I do know from reading your posts is that no one could love, care for and be a better mum to that little one. So maybe that is why you have a special needs daughter. Maybe she chose you. That might sound a bit wierd but its just somthing that I think about.
Sapphire, I wish you also could get more help, I think its so sad that you havent got more support around you but I hope you find some moments to just sit and breathe. You are loved, You are more than worthy and you are one very special human being. Thank you for being so fantastic.
Lisa. xx
Hey Sapphire, I’m so late in answering this. Things have been tough, but somehow we keep moving.
First of all I just want to say that of course, of course you’re enough for Kiera. You’re doing as much as you possibly can in this impossible situation, for her and your family. The place you’re in right now is so awfully hard, but that doesn’t mean by any stretch that you’re awful or that any of this is your fault. You’re not the problem. Anyone could tell how hard you’re working to make this better.
I’m sorry that your husband’s work is doing this. I think it’s a heap of garbage, for them to lay on so much work when they know his situation. You can’t be expected to handle all of this at home by yourself. Is there anyone who could help you through this? I know you mentioned family being a difficult point in your initial post, are there friends who you could ask for help?
Those ulcers sound awful! I’m glad you’re open to looking into it more. If your PCP isn’t interested in helping you with this then, if this is possible, I’d encourage you to see another doctor specifically for this, possibly the one you saw while you were pregnant. They’re eating into your sleep, making it difficult to eat, causing you so much pain. This sort of thing can and should be treated, and the sooner you can get some relief the better you’ll be able to cope with everything else.
In a time like this there’s not much we can do about the huge pressing issues, not all at once. We have to be okay with slowing way down and taking small steps, otherwise nothing feels possible. If there are little things you can do right now that you know will make things even a little bit better, I want you to do them – or half of them, or just do them for 2 minutes. Any way you can remind yourself that you still have some control is helpful right now.
You can do this, friend. Keep us posted, we’ll be here to listen. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
I had to have my car towed today. I think my alternator is kaput.
Went to work to see that my manager had recognized me for my hard work in spite of my hardships. And then my husband posted this on Facebook:
I just felt like sharing this.
I’ve had a lot of lows in my life and I’ve fucked up a lot. Despite everything I’ve done and said, the last 9 years have been really good. Sometimes a little hectic and even stressful but I always knew that I could count on one person. She always made me try to be better and do better. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for her. I know I say a lot of shit and tend to be negative all the time, hell, even depressing.
But I am happy. Sure I hate my job. Sure I hate [insert location]. But as long as she’s waiting at home for me, that’s all I need. She choose me, despite my fuck ups in the past and present, she’s there.
Love you [insert real name]. You make me happy and you make me feel like I have everything. I know I can always count on you to be there for me.
Times are tough right now, yet you still remain.
This brought me to tears.
And Kiera shook her rattle for the first time today and has only thrown up a small amount.
This past weekend my husband did everything he could to make sure I was able to relax and he took care of Kiera. He finally understood how frustrating it is with all of her needs, and he wasn’t working on top of everything. So there have been ups and downs. I don’t feel as hopeless. Still trying to go easy on myself.
Unfortunately no. All of my friends from school have fallen into drugs and alcohol and I don’t want that around Kiera.
That’s a wonderful thing that your husband did. It’s up to both of you to make sure you’re continuing to bear this load evenly, it’s the only way you can take of each other through this. There is so much hope for your family, parents and kids have made it through all sorts of awful situations throughout our history. I hope it brings some comfort to know that not only are you all capable of making it through this, but that there are certainly better things ahead. You can slowly but surely make your way out of this situation, and while it won’t be hard it will be worth it.
That unexpected expense is definitely a pain. I know money’s hard right now. I hope this hasn’t set you back too deeply. How have things been with you all over the past couple of days?
We are having to transition Kiera to a different formula due to supply shortages and it has caused a lot of stomach upset. Because of this we decided to put her on her feeding pump to be continuously fed until she is switched to the new formula. It has drastically reduced her vomiting.
My manager wants me to study up on project management and has arranged for me to shadow one of her colleagues. We’ll see how that goes. I never planned on going into management because of the added stress.
This might be TMI but I recently had to take the Plan B pill because our protection failed and my state is now ready to crucify pregnant women at the slightest misstep and we are well aware we can’t afford another child right now. It was stressing us both out but I got my period so it worked it seems. But I still am having side effects, mainly fatigue and headaches.
I didn’t do a very good job with self care yesterday. I did a very poor job with hydration. I maybe drank 12 Oz of water. I was spending all my time working or playing with Kiera. I did take the time to cook dinner.
So it has been up and down. I’m ready for the weekend. I need sleep.
I didn’t want to start a new topic for this cause it could kinda fit in the topic and I don’t want to flood the board.
I’ve been finding it incredibly hard to motivate myself lately, probably on account of the depression. That being said -
I did a mile on my stationary bike today after work before I fed Kiera. It wasn’t much but I haven’t exercised since I found out I was pregnant and I have to go easy with my blood pressure. So yea. I guess my starting point, if I can continue to talk myself into exercising after this, is 1 mile in 8 minutes. I also need to strength train because I’ve been wanting to get back into archery again. But I just don’t want to right now.
More importantly, my husband has been going out of his way to help me more and he told his boss he wants a 4 day work week to be able to help even more so we’ll see what happens. I have been trying to communicate more and let him know I appreciate him but if you’ve known me for any length of time, I have issues with mutism when I am experiencing intense emotion. So even if it’s just a text I let him know that I appreciate him for what he does.
I’m really trying to not succumb to my depression because I know the signs and I know the deeper I sink into it, the harder it will be to get back out. I think that was why I rode the bike. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything else right now.
I want to give up. Life is just too much right now. I feel like I’m doing everything by myself.
Kiera cries all day because I can’t work and hold her at the same time. And caring for her in general. Work is getting infinitely more stressful but I need to save my time off in case something happens with Kiera so I can’t take a vacation.
I’m just a broken record at this point. Gotta take care of money and bills and Kiera and work and I’m not sleeping, my hygiene is slipping, I don’t eat half the time and I’ve had to start asking for things to be done around the house because my husband is depressed too and hasn’t been doing it.
I’m not in the best position right now to share any kind of deep thought, but I see you, I care about you. I see all your efforts, your devotion to your family, and I’m so proud of knowing directly someone like you, someone who is ready to turn the world around in order to do good and care for the one they love.
But every brave fighter needs rest, silence and peace. I want so much for you to have a break from everything, even just a little bit. It may not be possible to make it full right now, but it might be possible to still enjoy some short sparks here and there throughout your day. This good old coffee or tea cup enjoyed in the silence, or with a soft breeze on your skin outside. The warmth and gentle hydration of a shower. A sweet treat to savor during the evening or afternoon. I hope you can find peace and calm when Kiera manages to sleep. Rest is not something to earn of course, but in your situation it’s absolutely safe to say that you do deserve a breather.
@Sapphire
It may feel unfair, it may be hard 99% of every single day, you may be feeling crappy and exhausted and maybe doubting your abilities to be a good mother
BUT
Do you know what that precious little girl sees and experiences?
A loving mother who is THERE for her, who holds her so often, who seems to always be there, who comforts her, feeds her (however that looks on a given day).
Do you know the absolute blessing you are to that kiddo, who never feels blamed for who she is, but only loved on, helped, and has the most amazing warrior mom who will march into the hospital and get proper care for her baby.
In your head, in your body, things may be hard, bleak, tiring.
But like ll the most amazing parents andguardians out there, you shield your kids from that, you absorb the blows and all that passes through to baby is the well wishes to get healthier and stronger, and have a good day.
I wish you could have a day of rest, but like Micro suggested, try to create a moment of calm. Listen to some soothing music while with baby, listen to the sounds of rain or the sea while you do stuff. Hot cup of tea while Kiera is sleeping.
I spoke with my manager this morning. She pretty much urged me to take a vacation either next week or the week after. It really made me feel supported.
My husband is currently at Urgent Care getting tested for strep and Covid so… depending on how that goes, it could go either way.
Fingers crossed for your husband. We’re all rooting for you.
As far as for your manager: this is SO good to hear. I’m so glad they’ve acknowledged your need for more time to deal with everything that is happening right now. I hope this gives a little bit of a relief and peace today.
My husband doesn’t have Covid thankfully but the doctor isn’t sure why he’s sick so they gave him antibiotics. I’m trying to get him to not go to work tomorrow but he’s stubborn.
Yea, I’m really glad I will have some time off. I told her I wanted to take some time of in September and she said no, I need to take one sooner. So I’ll be taking the first week of August off.
This will not last forever. You’re doing so well by just surviving right now. Don’t give up on yourself, you can make it. 