Lately I’ve been thinking about doing something i haven’t done in over 2 years. But I’m not completely sure why, I mean I’ve been a lot more depressed recently and my anxiety and eating disorder have been worse, but I still don’t know the actual reason I’m thinking about relapse.
I don’t really know what’s going on anymore. I feel like I don’t have control over anything, I don’t even have control over my own head. So maybe if I relapse I’ll have control over something again. I just don’t know.
I’m sorry if I wasted your time by you reading this.
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Reading about your struggle is not a waste of time. Your speaking up may even help someone else who is struggling too. I am also someone who in the past used unhealthy coping strategies to find some semblance of control in my life. I am very lucky that I got the help that I need but like you feel the urge to fall back into those bad patterns. This doesn’t make you a bad person, your a person in pain who is struggling. I find that when I feel week I lean on a close friend for support. Whether I need advice, or just to vent, doing so usually helps me find my way back. Don’t listen to that voice that says your bothering them, they would not be your friends if they were not there for the bad times as well as the good.
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Hey @Luca,
You don’t waste our time, never. And I’m glad you wrote this post.
As you already know, a relapse will make things worse over time and it’s not a healthy solution. It’s not a solution at all. Even if the idea of doing it is attractive, keep fighting against that as much as possible. You have the strength to resist, you’ve already gone through two years without it and, by the way… congratulations for this! 
It’s quite normal for this thought to appear at a time when your anxiety and eating disorders are getting more intense. This feeling of not having control on things that are happening can be particularly scary. But yet you’re here and you came to write this post, which shows already that you’re not without any control over the situation.
So, if for the moment your anxiety and eating disorders are getting worse, how do you usually deal with this? Maybe you already have healthy resources available but, for the moment, you’re having some difficulties to think about them clearly. And if it’s not the case, we can still try to find some healthy solutions to help you cope with this. 
Take care, friend. It will be okay. 
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