why do people that live across the world care more than “friends” do? look, you guys, the people from Heart Support can talk and help people that you barely know, why can’t people that we consider friends do that? i simple question without an answer…
i pushed so many people away during all of my mental problems because i dont consider myself a “good friend”. right now i have about 5 friends that i rarely talk to because its hard to just ask: Hey are u ok? How do you feel today? PEOPLE DONT CARE ABOUT OTHERS! They are selfish and care only about themselves. at the end of the day this is one of the questions i ask myself: Why can others can and friends can’t?
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friends care about each other. I always care about my friends specially if they are in a bad mood. but on the other hand I don’t talk about about my problems to them because I don’t think they can help. all they can do is to say it’s gonna be alright . I mean c’mon how is that gonna help.
so they think everything’s fine with me and we all don’t speak about our problems.
maybe you have the same situation.
This may be a simple question at first glance but I think there are a lot of variables to consider.
There is a method of thought (I don’t remember the name for it off the top of my head) which basically entails the active realization that others are complex beings, just like you. They have their own lives, their own problems, their own ways of dealing with those problems and their own coping mechanisms. It is easy to forget this and just think of someone as a side character in your story for example, but they are the main character in their own story. Which leads to -
Because we all have complex lives and problems, not all of us are equipped to take on someone else’s problems on top of our own. If you are someone (not making assumptions here, just an example) who often complains or shares the things you hate about your life or something, and people know you are upset and are having trouble, they may avoid asking how you’re doing simply because they already know but are silently drowning in their own problems and simply can’t keep you both afloat.
There is a stigma around mental illness unfortunately, and I’ve found especially men/boys are taught they they need to be strong men and not be emotional. Other people who are born in exceedingly conservative households, or people who are subject to abuse are often taught that they shouldn’t or can’t show emotion. Abuse victims are usually good at this because it is important to keep the abuse a secret from the outside world. This is what happened to me, and I can tell you from my own experience, my world was so dark I couldn’t begin to think about anyone else while I was hanging on by a thread.
There are probably things I haven’t even thought of on this subject, but please remember these friends might have so much on their plate that it hasn’t occurred to them to ask how you’re doing. Maybe they do care but are afraid to speak up. Have you asked them how they are doing? How did they respond.
I think context is also important to remember. The majority of people on Heart Support take comfort in the anonymity. It is easier to be open and vulnerable because it is a safe place. ‘Real life’ may not be safe.
So, yes, simple question, not so easy answer.
Keep an open mind, friend. Be well.
Absolutely this. I don’t often bring my problems to my friends, and when I do it’s only a couple friends (who happen to be out of state). Part of it is hang-ups with vulnerability, part of it is I don’t want to be a downer. I am happy to help my friends if they need it, but the same rules apply for them–they don’t want to burden me with their problems, and they don’t want to think about their problems when they’re hanging out to have fun.
I like to say that HeartSupport is a place where you can scream into the void, and the void whispers back words of encouragement. You can dump your secrets and fears here without fear of judgment because these people don’t know you, so you don’t have jobs, relationships, or your reputation on the line here. Total anonymity, total safety. For that reason, I don’t tell my friends about HeartSupport or invite them to join, and I know others here feel the same way. More power to them if they happen to find it, but I’m not giving them an invitation to read about my most vulnerable thoughts. There are things I post on here that I don’t even tell my wife.
The other side of sharing is I don’t need to worry about how I respond. I can be honest about what I think and how I feel, I can choose who I respond to based on if I feel like I can relate enough to help them, and I can be vulnerable in my responses as well. It doesn’t matter too much to me whether someone likes my response or not, as long as it doesn’t make things worse for them. Two-way anonymity also means I won’t make snap judgments about you as a human being with a body and hair and a certain voice. I believe that, even if we walk it back, we all make instant judgments by reflex. I don’t judge walls of text, I analyze them.
Lastly, and a big one for me, is the ability to write down, preview, and edit my responses. Talking is hard. I have a lot of big ideas, and don’t always have the words to say them in conversation. There’s always so much more I could say, especially in times like right now when I haven’t had my coffee yet
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