I’m absolutely terrified of my mother. She has caused so much trauma in my life and has called me so many awful things and accused me of such awful things that it makes it hard to want to have a relationship with her. I’ve been visiting my bf in the UK for about two months now and plan on getting a visa so I can live and work here, but she doesn’t know that. My mom and dad think I’m here for work, because I could never muster up the courage to tell them I have a boyfriend who isn’t Christian and I’m living with him and his family. If I were to tell them, my Nmom would absolutely lose it. She’s very Christian (my whole family is) and is a total Jesus freak. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve just never believed or felt connected to it. She would call me manic, unstable, say I need help, say I’m a danger to myself, demand I come home, maybe threaten to get on a plane here and make me come home, etc. I’ve been to therapy, and have talked about cutting ties with her and standing my ground and becoming my own person. The only way I feel like I can claim independence and stand up for myself is if I be truthful and tell her I’m not Christian. I’m just terrified of how she’ll react. I’ve always been very closed with her, so she won’t see it coming and it’ll seem sudden and manic to her. I was gonna explain to her that I’ve felt this way since high school but then she’ll call me a liar and it’ll just be a mess. Any advice? Any encouragement? I don’t want to talk to her anymore and just don’t want to be afraid of her. I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be afraid to be my own person and speak my mind. I know it’s a dumb question, but if she were to come here from the US, can she make me come home with her? I’m pretty much financially independent, my car insurance is getting switched over to me soon and all I’m on is their health insurance. I’m supposed to call them today and kinda want to just get it over with and tell them since it’s been weighing on me so heavily and causes me physical pain from the anxiety. I’m just over it
That’s such an incredibly brave step to take and I 100% agree on this one:
Being alive comes with the right to be who you truly are and no one can take that away from you no matter how much someone is convinced to be entitled to do so. You don’t even owe your mother an explanation. Do you want to talk to her or have you also considered writing her a letter? Since it comes across a bit as if her reaction is somewhat unpredictable and might not originate from a clear mind, writing a letter could give her the chance to calm down and read that again.
That’s a very valid question. I am not familiar with the law but I cannot imagine that you can force an adult child to do anything.
I went no contact with family few years ago and have a rather clear opinion on this. If my mother wants to be a part of my life, she has to respect my boundaries and that I’m my own person with my own values, all of which she doesn’t. Of course, that comes with a lot of emotional pain to not be seen by parents and I am not willing to deal with that. Since I anticipated disrespectful behavior from her side, I communicated my boundaries alongside consequences for overstepping which was going no contact. So she neither knows where I live and doesn’t have any contact details, as I changed my phone number and email addresses and also moved to a different place. She knew that in advance, thus this was her choice and that’s not my problem.
Well, that’s my take on this. Clearly defining for yourself what you want, what to expect, and how you want to react to all sorts of reactions from her side might be a good (emotional) preparation for the talk. In the end, you are not responsible for her reaction. Maybe you can get a new phone number and email account so that you can check your messages without having to deal with potential threats from her side. Take good care of yourself during these very challenging times. Standing up for yourself is always the right thing to do. You’re loved.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t want to talk to her, but I still talk to my dad and with talking to him comes talking with her.I was thinking of sending a text message to them both explaining myself, I just worry that they’ll accuse this of a manic act, ya know? I’m not even a manic person, but my mom uses that as an excuse to get to me. I can see why they would be concerned since it’s out of the blue and I’ve never talked about having a boyfriend, living with him, or not being Christian, I just don’t wanna make it a bigger fuss than it might be.
Were you scared about confronting your mom? How did you muster up the courage to do it? I admire your ability to stand up to your mom, it gives me hope❤️
Did you already make the decision to cut ties with your family? Would you want to keep your mother in your life if it was possible anyhow? From an outside perspective I can only speculate, but I think you have some options with respect to how you want to approach this, for example slamming the door into their face (might even be a good choice depending on the case) or leaving some Easter eggs here and there and if they’re up to it they might even get what’s going on.
The wording will make a big difference. Saying “I know you won’t understand …” isn’t the same as “I can imagine it is hard to understand …”. Strategically there would be a lot to think about.
However, my guess would be that your mother will make up the stories she wants to. What she’s put you through and given how terrified you are of her doesn’t sound like she’ll be an understanding person all of a sudden.
It absolutely understandable that this is incredibly terrifying. For me personally, I would start preparing the talk and writing out what you want to say in order to avoid an explosion of everything that is bottled up when a trigger comes along. Definitely not to say it wasn’t a super tough thing to do, but waiting won’t make it any better. You only keep torturing yourself with potential scenarios and are exposed to this fear of what will happen when you’ll tell them. However, you won’t know until you’ll let them know.
As to my story, which is very different from yours as to the specifics, there really wasn’t any courage involved. Several events happened making it inevitable to cut ties, so there really wasn’t the question of the right timing. Since I changed all my contact details after she disrespected my boundaries I communicated in a letter, there was never a discussion about anything. I disappeared and remained silent. There is no point in discussing, she’ll never be capable to see me as my own person, which is something I simply have to accept.
Cutting ties with family isn’t an easy path to follow but may be the only one to start a healing process. Unfortunately, this entails a lot of emotional pain. For me still to this day, but it was an important step to take.
You should tell her by text if you afraid of her harming you, and if she doesn’t have anything to track or find where you are, she can’t bring you home.