I feel like my life’s been walking on a treadmill for years. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere…
Am I supposed to be getting anywhere? What am I expected to be doing with my life right now?
I do digital art as a hobby. I’ve been doing it for quite a while now, almost two years. I’ve been trying to do it everyday to help build my skills, but it’s hard to tell if I’ve made any progress. I have a sibling who draws quite often, and the amount they have improved is way better from where I’m at.
I try to compose music but end up stuck on what to do constantly. I look at tutorials, and download extensions, and all this other stuff that’s supposed to help me.
It doesn’t help.
Looking back on it now, maybe all of this has something to do with my mental health… …But how am i supposed to know if that’s what the problem is if- sigh… Sometimes I wonder, maybe I’m just not cut out for this stuff. Then I start telling myself, “But you love to draw! You love composing and doing things with music!”
Sure, but I’m not getting any better at it…
Someday, I hope to become a music producer. Mainly aimed at making Lo-Fi House music. My goal is to get enough experience and skill with making the music so that I can start posting my music on platforms such as Spotify and Apple Music. To start making money from it.
It’s a good goal, but it feels so out of reach…
I don’t even know how I would accomplish a goal like that… I would need money, and that’s something I don’t really have access to…
Money…
Being completely honest with everyone, I don’t even have a job. My parents help pay for my basic needs while I focus on my academics.
F***, I don’t even have a car…
My parents don’t contribute much to my interests, I just wait until Christmas or my birthday for money so I can spend the money on those interests myself…
It feels like my goals are in space, almost unreachable…
What am I supposed to do if I don’t have much access to the things I need to reach my goals…
Do I just wait? Heheh, yea. Perfect idea. THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TO YEARS AND I’M SO TIRED OF IT.
At this point-
I want to give up.
Every year, I’m growing closer to my parents kicking me out of the house.
It makes me feel so helpless…
I want to crawl into the corner of my room and cry, because I feel like I’ve tried everything…
What’s the point… Of living through all of this when I’m obviously getting nowhere…
This is no longer just a journal entry, this is a cry for help.
I want to scream.
I’m not living anymore…
I’m just surviving…