I worked at a place for 10 years and it has took a huge tool on my life. I quit this place 4 years ago and moved on but I still think about this place and the people that wronged me every single day at least a couple times. I was 18 and I started out at car dealership. I knew nothing when I started. I worked my way up through the years trying to learn but not everyone was willing to help me and show me the ropes . I made alot of mistakes at this place and I did learn from them but everyone would give me hell for the mistakes and talk shit behind my back. I had alot of friends there. We hung out alot out of work. These people were supposed to be my really good friends but when it came to being at work if I messed up someone would tell me about one of my friends talking shit. I became so paranoid to mess anything up. If I messed up on the littles thing people would be on me about it but if one of them would mess up it was ok. It really made me paranoid and made me think everyone was constantly talking shit on me at work. I think mostly about 2 certain friends that really hurt me. I overheard one of them talking shit and I called him out on it. He turned it on me saying I was wrong and I was acting like a girl. I herd him clear as day!!! He threatened our friendship… I would sometimes look across the shop and see him looking at me while he was talking to someone and I knew he was talking shit. I was loyal to this guy. Tried to be a good friend to him and he does this shit. It makes me feel horrible. I haven’t seen him for years because I distance my self from him but I can’t get over it. I still hold alot of anger for that guy. I feel like he is probably there still talking shit. I can’t get over him. Second guy I worked with I also hung out with alot out of work. Never had a problem out of work. He was a different person but inside of work I was told he would talk shit on me. That was a hard pill to swallow because we always have so much fun out of work. I still hung out with him after i left but the thoughts I was having made me back off from hanging out with him. Moral of the story is I feel like they are still probably talking shit on me even though it’s been 4 years. Im a different person now and have a good job and feel like I’m being still judged on my past from My early 20s. I’m 31 I have babies and I’m try to hold it together but I feel horrible all the time like I’m not as good as everyone else. Everytime I see someone I always think to myself if they are thinking of how I made mistakes at my last job or if they know about me working there… Please help. I can’t get over this stuff. I went to a therapist and I’m on Lexapro. I get anxiety from this everyday still!!!
I’m sorry you had to deal with that work enviroment, it’s crazy how toxic jobs can be. What you said really connected with me as I can relate to almost all of what you said. It sucks when people give you reason to always be watching your back and nervous about what they’re saying. It did a number on me and I still deal with the fall out of it like, never feeling “good enough”. I started a new career recently and its like those scars from a prior job still linger with me and cast self doubt in this new job. I wish I could say I had a perfect answer of how to get past it but i don’t. A therapist once told me about a practice to use when I have those feelings sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. Basically it’s asking if I know for a fact whatever I’m feeling is true, if I think it’s true how can I prove it. Often I felt it was true but couldn’t give myself concrete answers to show it was true (if that all makes sense). I think one thing for me is also to remind myself how terrible they made my life then and to fight myself to not let them have that power now, to still make me feel terrible. Not sure if any of that makes sense but I thought I’d share as I really related to your post.