This is all too familiar

I’ve been in toxic relationships before just like many of us have…I love my current partner and really take a lot of effort into making sure it’s healthy with all of our needs being met accordingly. But lately, she just has not been the person I’m expecting and it’s been really making me depressed and insecure of what it should be. I know I can’t control what she does or how she reacts. I’m just so tired and exhausted. I want to believe she will stay and care like she does through the difficult moments…today I made a comment unintentionally that embarrassed her and she has responded with hurtful words and silent expression. I’ve made the attempt to reach out and talk…I want communication to be transferred but feel like she just isn’t on the same page. I pray that she finds it in her heart to listen to what I have to say. I don’t want to loose her but know I deserve better if she chooses to let go.


Wow. This is the total embodiment of the Serenity Prayer. My friend, you’ve come a long way from your previous posts about toxic relationships.

I’m so glad to hear that you’re in a loving relationship worth investing in. However, the hard reality is that when the endorphins subside, love becomes more of a choice than a feeling. That’s where the real work begins. Her not being the person you expected is enough to make anyone depressed and insecure. It could be that if things have settled down for her, she’s not choosing love when she doesn’t feel love. It’s not an intuitive action. It’s easy to take the feeling of love for granted, and hard to keep going when that feeling fades.

Communication is key. Good on you for reaching out after saying something that she felt hurt by. Hopefully she comes around when she’s calmed down and you can reconcile. After that, it’s important to sit down, assess where your relationship is, and where you want it to go. Relationships aren’t easy even if you are on the same page. Having honest conversations to get each other on the same page is how you keep them going, as well as checking in to make sure each other’s needs are still being met. Sometimes her needs may surprise you if you ask her about them, and likewise she may have no idea that you feel like the relationship is lacking. Y’all aren’t mind readers, so there’s no shame in checking in with each other.

Thank you so much for checking in. I have been really trying to work on my responses and really pay attention to those needs. Truthfully, we do show a lot of love to each other most of time…but in the moments of hurt, she typical responds with things that hurt me to protect herself. I understand why she does it because I used to do the same thing more than often not so long ago. Even now, I sit here thinking to myself how I can live with this hoping our sense of understanding will get better? Although, I believe I just need patience and perspective. I see a solution but the steps to get there is what seems challenging right now.

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