This is going to be long, but, I need to get it off of my chest. I completely understand if it's too much to read

There are two parts to this post. The first part is something I wrote I think about a year ago. Maybe a little less. The second part is something I am writing NOW.

Part 1 - THEN

An Aunt contacted me today through Goodreads. I wondered why she had followed me, given that 6 years ago she had expressed that she didn’t feel we needed to be in contact. At the time she had apologized for not doing more when I went to her as a child about my Grandfather’s abuse. While also expressing part of the reason, aside from my toxic mother, why she hadn’t wanted my cousin around me growing up, was because I was a weird child. Which later, now that I’m an adult, I know that “weirdness” as autism.

Anyway, she contacted me to let me know that my mothers biological father had passed away and she wanted me to relay the message to my mother. Whom I have no association with.

She also mentioned my sister, whom I wish I had contact with, but I don’t. I opened my big mouth and told my Aunt that my sister wasn’t doing the best right now and her boys are living with their father. I have no contact with her right now. So naturally it led to her wanting to know about the boys, their names, their age. She asked nothing about me or how I was doing, and I know she doesn’t care. I told her anyway.

She responded to what I said about my sister, returning interest and questions, but was short and disinterested in me. It breaks my heart how distant I have to be from my family. Separated. How little interest and genuine care they have for me and my well being. That life goes on whether I exist or not. And should I not exist, there wouldn’t be anyone to care. Which sounds more emo than I intend it to be. It’s just the truth with my family unfortunately.

Anyway, there is no point to this. Just needed to get it off my chest. It brought over a little sadness. I want to feel like I matter and I know I won’t to them.

Such is life.

But I can’t deny that I have someone who does love and care about me. And that’s all that matters.

Part 2 - NOW

The sadness and hurt I had in this post has resurfaced a lot lately. I see a lot of abusers from my moms side of the family connected to old friends, recents friends and the few family members I’m connected to. I see these “healthy” and “happy” relationships they carry and I can’t help but feel degraded, under valued, unworthy and slightly jealous.

I have distant family that I could only ever wish to be close to when I was growing up as we were raised separately and lived a great ways apart. I see how my abusers attract to those people, as those people are good people. But it hurts me how nobody has ever known how hurtful and abusive my mother’s side of the family has been. And all of the secrets they held for years while they neglected, degraded and ridiculed me. For things that were not in my control.

One being that I was sexually abused by both of my grandfathers. My grandmothers husband abused me my entire childhood and a lot of my teenage years. When I came forward to the family member mentioned in the previous post, she told my Grandmother but also called me a liar. She and her daughter doted on my Grandfather for his entire life despite knowing. Even featuring pictures of him on a pendant on my cousin’s wedding bouquet.

Again, they had these healthy, happy and affectionate relationships with him while I had one full of dark secrets that could destroy the family. They hated me instead of him. They lashed out at me instead. And they threatened me. They warned me he’d kill himself if I ever told.

Most days, I can mostly forget these things happened. Put it behind me. It took me many years to move on and let go of the anger. But it still saddens me to see people close to my abusers while I am miles away with minimal to no association to any family.

I try not to think about it. But I can’t help but feel like I have no value. I know these people don’t matter and so I shouldn’t worry about what they think or feel. But it’s still hard some days, especially around holidays, knowing I don’t have family to send me Christmas cards, birthday cards or even to reach out to casually. And those that I do, I’m terrified to. So I stay distant. I’ve had to accept that I do not belong anywhere in my “family” and learn to live my own life.

I wish I still had my therapist. She was a safe place I knew I could turn to. She offered understanding and helped me get through the hurt and the anger it all brought me. It helped me remember that I do hold value despite what my mother’s side of the family says or does.

But I will, no matter how much I try to put it behind me, always know in my heart that my Grandfathers abuse and my autism robbed me of family love. It robbed me the chance to hold those healthy and happy relationships that other people have with them.

My grandmother gave the previously mentioned persons daughter everything that was meant to be given to me. They cut me out of their will and their life. Because I told someone about the abuse. I stopped hiding. They told me I was hateful and toxic and to get out of their lives.

All because his abuse threatened the relationship they carried with him and I was “weird” due to undiagnosed autism and ADHD.

The anger resurfaces sometimes.

But I will come through it. As I always have, because I can’t and will not ever let them have control over or defeat me. Though there will probably always be moments of sleepless and teary nights and the need to remember, its them, not me. Their lies aren’t my truths.


I can’t put this anywhere else because it can’t really be seen by certain people. Especially by those I am connected to that are connected to my Aunt D. Which is who the first post was about.

I saw a picture of a distant cousin who was with my Aunt D, this evening. My Aunt had traveled to see her. My cousin expressed such love for my Aunt and the fun they had. And it just hit me in a really bad spot and sent me flying through depression and hurt.

I have so much love to give this world and often I can only ever share it with perfect strangers or people of the internet. Because directly around me aside from my partner there is nobody to give it to. In the eyes of my family I am a monster. A family wrecker in the sense of destroying their happiness over something that was NOT my fault. Even at my age now, I still carry a lot of guilt for ever telling anyone what happened. And to this day I still have not ever had the chance to share in detail the abuse I endured.

I love people here and post here a lot because of the pain I have had to experience. Because I have a BIG heart and I just want to love people. I want to help people. I want to be what I did not have. I have an overflowing amount of love for people. For the community here and the people who run this organization. Like them, I just want to make a difference. In any small way I can.

If anyone actually was able to tackle and read this post, the amount of appreciation I have for you is impossible to express.

-Kitty

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Hey kitty i read some parts and i wish the best for you and your family . love your friend my dms will always be open and ill always listen to you friend
-Ashley

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Thanks Ashley,
I appreciate you taking the time out to be such a good friend and extend encouragement and love. As you do so frequently.

Glad you found a safe place to write this. I’m really sorry for all this pain and suffering you have had to carry from such a young age. For the hurt that keeps you up at night. None of what you have gone through has been fair. I’ve seen and still see how much of a heart you have for others. Praying that you can find a new counselor that you can afford. That some of this hurt can be released. Rooting for you. I admire your courage and strength to be vulnerable.

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Hi love! Oh my gosh, what a story you have. My heart feels so heavy for you!! I know I’ve told you this before, but again: I’m so, so proud of you. For going through what you have, and just allowing yourself to learn love, humility and gentleness from it all. You’re so special, you know! And oh my gosh, I know just what you meant, when you said you have so much love for people and you love helping people. I’m the same!!! I freaking love… loving people! Gosh, all the mean people are really missing out, huh? Because it’s such an amazing feeling when you’re able to empathize so strongly.

Another thing- you said that you were feeling guilty about telling everyone about what your grandfather did to you. I understand why you feel this way, for sure. Your family seems to be so tough on you, it’s so not nice :frowning: Please know that by telling them you did nothing wrong. I believe that when we speak the truth of how we feel with no intent to hurt anyone, there is no wrong. I’m sorry that they made you feel… belittled for telling them though, because I can imagine it wasn’t too easy!

You know there will always be people in our lives who make us feel like we’re not enough- it’s sadly the truth. However, instead of seeing this as another thing to add to your list of woes, think of it as a challenge! Be like, “you think you can make me feel small?? well too bad for you, because I know I’m not!” And then at the end of the day you’ll look back and be like, “heck yeah, I did that!!” And that feeling of knowing you stood up for yourself- whether you made it clear or not- is so… fun! So go be brave, and don’t let anyone else let you think you’re not important. Because you sure as heck are!!!

Hugs!! Everything is going to be just fine <3

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Thank you my friend. I appreciate it. I’m feeling a little better today. It’s been a rough few days between my health problems and different emotional triggers. I battle a lot with feeling unloved, but places like Heart Support and people like you remind me that people do care. <3

Thanks for taking the time to read what you did and respond. Seriously.

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Hey Kitty, I’m glad you felt comfortable to post this here. I am so sorry about what happened to you. It’s so wrong that your family chose the easy way out for themselves, ostracizing you so they would not have to face the truth. I can’t imagine how brave you had to be to not stay silent about the abuse. What you did was powerful, you are powerful, and your family tried to rob you of that power and bully you into silence, but you didn’t cave to it. You have so much strength for facing the truth instead of trying to stamp it out.

I see you leave a lot of comments on posts here (you even replied to my post the other day!) and that’s another way you’re strong, for caring so much about everyone on here and doing your best to help, despite all your own struggles. You really do matter, thanks for caring about and changing our lives in a positive way :slight_smile:

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Thank you friend. I have a lot of nights where I struggle to see that strength. But I appreciate friends like you taking the time to reach out and encourage me. It helps. Perfect strangers have offered me more love and kindness than those family members ever did in my life. It’s crazy that people who don’t even know you offer so much compassion.

It’s a beautiful thing and why I love this community

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