I don’t understand how I fucked up so badly, with such a good thing. She was there for me through every depressive episode. Every panic attack. Every insecurity. Everything. She’s the only thing that ever made me feel okay. Above music. Above video games. Above taking walks. Above literally all else. It wasnt supposed to end this way. It wasnt supposed to end at all. She was supposed to be my person, and I ruined it. I did literally nothing to show that i cared or loved her at all and thats on me, but I know for a fact that I loved her more than Ive ever loved anything in my entire life. I still do. And I dont want to hook up with strangers to try and distract myself. I dont even want a hug from anybody but her. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and now shes gone. And it’s 100% my fault. All I have left is a big empty house and memories of someone that is never coming back. And Im so lonely. I dont have friends. I dont have family. I dont have anyone. She was all I had. And shes gone. Ive already decided that im done with relationships. And love. Because it seems like every good thing that comes into my life, I destroy it. And i cant understand why. But im convinced that im just not meant to be loved.
And this new guy shes with, hes great. I can tell. She seems happier now. More whole. But we have a son together and he appears to be a better father figure than I ever was. Which means it’s only a matter of time before I become a stranger to my own family.
I have single handedly sabotaged my entire life. And i have nothing left to give to anyone. Not sex. Not affection. Nothing. The world has taken so much from me, a lot of it I’ll never get back. But no one has taken more from me than me. She was my everything, even if I didnt show it. She was all I knew for 5 years and now shes just…gone.