This is hard

I don’t understand how I fucked up so badly, with such a good thing. She was there for me through every depressive episode. Every panic attack. Every insecurity. Everything. She’s the only thing that ever made me feel okay. Above music. Above video games. Above taking walks. Above literally all else. It wasnt supposed to end this way. It wasnt supposed to end at all. She was supposed to be my person, and I ruined it. I did literally nothing to show that i cared or loved her at all and thats on me, but I know for a fact that I loved her more than Ive ever loved anything in my entire life. I still do. And I dont want to hook up with strangers to try and distract myself. I dont even want a hug from anybody but her. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and now shes gone. And it’s 100% my fault. All I have left is a big empty house and memories of someone that is never coming back. And Im so lonely. I dont have friends. I dont have family. I dont have anyone. She was all I had. And shes gone. Ive already decided that im done with relationships. And love. Because it seems like every good thing that comes into my life, I destroy it. And i cant understand why. But im convinced that im just not meant to be loved.

And this new guy shes with, hes great. I can tell. She seems happier now. More whole. But we have a son together and he appears to be a better father figure than I ever was. Which means it’s only a matter of time before I become a stranger to my own family.

I have single handedly sabotaged my entire life. And i have nothing left to give to anyone. Not sex. Not affection. Nothing. The world has taken so much from me, a lot of it I’ll never get back. But no one has taken more from me than me. She was my everything, even if I didnt show it. She was all I knew for 5 years and now shes just…gone.

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From: ⎝╲⎝⧹C_C⧸⎠╱⎠

Hey, I suggest going to specialists (therapist and psychiatrist) so they could help you out better.

Hey Friend,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but also think it is an incredible opportunity for yourself.

Moments like these make us take a look at ourselves and ask what the hell happened. As you already identified, it starts with you and you’re right. The important thing here, though, is that you show yourself the same love that you exclaim for the person you are writing about.

What I mean is that if you take the energy that you are putting into self-loathing and turn it into fuel for your inner fire to align to bettering yourself in all the ways that you fault yourself for, you will attract what you desire. Once you’re able to pour into yourself you will emanate love that other people will love and see.

Further, sometimes doors close so that others can open. It’s important to learn why some doors are closed so that we can be aware and ready for when the next door opens. Further, I don’t think it would be a bad idea if you’re able to, to go see a therapist to help you navigate some of the things that seem to be consistent in your life that has amounted to this.

Stay in there my friend and give yourself some room to breath and love yourself!

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