I have been gripped by depression for so long that I don’t want to live. The story of how I got here is not something I’d like to share right now. I do not believe in suicide and have no intention of harming myself, yet I’m mired in the idea that ceasing to exist will give me peace. Many have lived in this haunted house, I know.
I am a person who wants everyone to be as happy as they can be. Strangers come up to me often and immediately tell me their life’s woes and I feel so much for them and I offer encouragement. My few friends also are the recipients of my open ear and endless support. I am compelled to stand by people and try to lift them; it is an automatic response. I never relay my own troubles, and I never ask for help, but I found myself in such need that I did tell my oldest friend, and I asked for some supportive and encouraging words. I received gruff annoyance in return. It drilled a sting of pain into the numbness that is depression. It made me feel so much worse. I had just spent every day for almost a year talking this person through a tough time, checking on them, making sure they were actively engaged in the world.
I understand not every person is equipped to deal with a crisis plea and respond in an effective way. But this person is pep talking everyone around me and telling me about it. It’s unbearable to witness.
I must also add that I have a wonderful, supportive husband who is doing his best to keep me afloat. I know I need some professional help, but in this moment my first tiny, vulnerable step is to string together those words above, to hold them out to like-minded strangers and hope there is an echo back that I can FEEL and not just hear: You matter.
I do wish that I had the words to comfort you, and I hope that you can believe me when I tell you that, you too, do matter. I honestly believe that you do.
I appreciate the honesty. Thank you.
Not to sound maudlin here, but the whole non response experience as my first request for help is just convincing me my feelings of not mattering are valid.
I’m so freaking proud of you for reaching out to our community and admitting that you’re struggling. I know how hard it is to open up when you’ve pretended to be ok for so long. You CAN talk to your husband and get him to come along i your journey to professional help. He’s there for you to lean on and he will help you. Keep reaching out. You’re already doing amazingly.
Thank you, Kayla for hearing me and responding.
I am proud of you. Youare loved. you are important. Thank you for being here.
Lyss ( your old pal Blurryface)
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
We are here for you and truly want to fight alongside you.
You took the first step and that’s a huge success. Celebrate! I’ve found in my battle with depression that it’s best to celebrate the small victories when they come. Whether that’s getting out of bed, showering, or seeking recovery, they are all essential in healing.
So celebrate that and keep walking. Find your stride in the land of recovery. It’s so worth it.
I believe in you.
We believe in you.
I am so, SO proud of you for deciding to reach out! I hope that you can find a sense of safety and refuge within the HeartSupport community.
From personal experience, I’ve found that the more I talk about my issues (with trusted personnel), the better I feel. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made was to get looped into counseling, being able to talk to a professional about what I’m struggling with. Studies show that you have similar results (regarding the feeling of relaxation) if you simply talk with a close friend or family member about what you’re struggling with (the only plus about talking to a professional about it is that they went to school in order to be trained on how to properly respond). Please keep us updated! We’re rooting for you!
Thank you so much Eric, for hearing me and reaching out. I know telling my story is key to getting help, but I struggle so much because the times that I have reached out to friends and once to a counselor ended up being more hurtful than helpful. Maybe because I reached to the wrong person. Maybe because I wasnt ready to listen. But I am still here and still trying to learn, by steps and not leaps. Thank you SO much for your kind attention. It truly means something to me.
Hello sarahmariejohnson and thank you for your considerate response. I am taking your words Hold Fast to heart and doing my active best at completing the small tasks. Though I don’t feel better emotionally, getting things done is better than balling up and wasting away, and I’m trying to build on that. You’ll never know how much I appreciate your kindness.