It all started when I was 5 I was put on standards I was also emotionally bully that was when I started depression and anxiety age 5. During kinder-4th but during middle school bullying went to physical bullying I was so scared and afraid I had no one my “friends” used me I would had told my parents but I didn’t want it to be a big deal what was the point it was just me. Once intermediate school came school work has gotten harder for me I was stressing so much I harmed myself a lot the bullying kept going tho. Now where I am at now high school 9th grade age barely 15 now 10 years of depression. I like virtual school due to covid but have to keep my grades up or I will be forced to go to school my anxiety and depression causes me to do everything last minute I don’t want to go to school I don’t want to meet new different people I’m scared… I have to be perfect to everyone I want to be useful I no longer care about my happiness I just want to be worth something I hide my sadness put on my happy mask in front of others and break down at night. None of my family ever know how I actually feel I just act fine in front of them and ima keep it like that. I am broken and will always stay like this I am so tired emotionally and physically guess I was suppose to be born like this…
Hello UnknownUser,
I understand your fear, I understand it very well. To get along, to not get hurt you do whatever you have to do to get along, to get through it.
I’d like to tell you, you don’t have to be “perfect” for everyone. That is not possible for anyone, but I understand it is the fear that drives this thinking. I’d encourage you to tell someone about your experiences at school, and your desire to continue virtual education. The school, in my opinion should be reported for failing to address the bullying, especially when it evolved into physical attacks.
You are “worth” all the world has to offer, and more, but when others treat us so badly, especially from such a young age, we come to view ourselves as bad, and that’s not how it is suppose to be, we’re suppose to love and support one another.
What is happening is NOT your fault, and you need help to deal with these kids.
Your family, if they love you, will want to help you overcome this situation. I would encourage you to be honest with your family if you can, be you. Give yourself the opportunity to feel better. Please don’t make unhappiness your choice, tell someone what’s happening to you. Peace
Phew…feels like you’re at a place where you’ve grown this shell around your life…like you make this appearance of placidity, of everything’s good, I’m fine…but underneath, you’re suffering from these wounds that you’ve carried with you your whole life…being bullied, feeling like you’re not good enough, like you have to be perfect or perfectly helpful…it feels like the goal is to not let anyone see just how hurt you are, and to take the least amount of hurts as possible from here on out…if I just build walls around these wounds, maybe they’ll go away…
But you’re experiencing the effects of that thinking…you break down every night…you’re exhausted, you’re so fucking exhausted…it’s hard to live two lives…especially when one of them is totally fake and the other is terribly pained…
You were not born to be like this, friend. Your heart deserves to be seen, to be cared for, to be out in the light, not hidden behind these walls. You deserve to be validated, encouraged, uplifted, accepted, supported. You were born to be loved. And I’m so sorry that hasn’t been what you’ve experienced. This is not the way things were meant to be. Don’t bury your heart, friend.
Thx you all for the ones that replied and others for viewing it but what can I do I am stuck like this I use black to hide and cover up myself everyday but my parents got mad at me once since we were going out nice they are like “You better not be fucking depressed we will go send you off if you are” I can’t even get help from my parents. I tried many friends to see if they can help me they fucking all left me I tried it more then 10 times to ask help but everyone leaves at the end what’s the point I am born to be like this. Rather hide how I actually feel no one wants to deal or be involved in my shit. So I be helpful to other I give them their needs and wants I want to be useful for once and proud to be something instead of being known as a disgrace.
Just reading your post to sum it up a little bit. You have been dealing with depression and anxiety at age 5, you were bullied during middle school, and that’s when you started harming yourself, and now you don’t want to go to school.
Know you are not alone friend. You are loved and you matter.
I understand completely as I have been dealing with Depression for a long time now as I have been through a lot and have been dealing with PTSD ever since I was a young kid, and I’m 19 now.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been through all of this. I was bullied during my younger years all because of my skin color and learning disabilities.
I completely understand not wanting to go to school with COVID going on because it produces a ton of Anxiety. That’s how I was to the point, I decided to just take a break from school because all of the stress.